Anyone else have a child who just HATES strangers?

[Glasgow2Benfleet]

My middle DS (almost 3) is very highly strung and spirited, but he’s also very sweet and affectionate, and loves his friends and family. No developmental, behavioural or social problems. Neurotypical. He behaves perfectly in nursery.

However he just HATES strangers talking to him, and sometime even just looking at him. It means every interaction at the supermarket checkout, in cafes, etc. is just hellish for me. Strangers will try and talk to him, he’ll get annoyed that they’re even looking at him, and he’ll start having a tantrum or pretty much growling at them! Usually these people don’t know how to take the hint and will carry on trying to talk to him, or will start laughing or say ‘you’re not very friendly, are you?’ Then this winds him up even more, to the point where he’ll be having a huge tantrum while I’m trying to pack my groceries.

I always feel like I have to make excuses for his behaviour (‘oh he’s a bit tired/just a bit grumpy today’) and this usually makes him worse. I just feel like I’m constantly apologising for him (on a daily basis) and I’m just beyond sick of it. It sounds silly but I sometimes just feel like crying after one of these interactions. Today in the supermarket the cashier and the people in the queue found it all hilarious (laughing and winding him up more) and I ended up having to carry him out of the supermarket, almost in tears myself.

He has an older brother (6) and a younger brother (18 months) who are complete charmers with strangers and absolutely love the attention, so this just highlights how different his behaviour is. He’s always been like this too - it doesn’t seem to just be a phase.

Occasionally he’ll be absolutely fine with a stranger (super friendly even) but on the whole, he just hates them! It also extends to acquaintances (such as my friends) from time to time.

Anyone have experience of this, or any tips?

I don’t think you can be clear that your DS is neurotypical age 3, especially displaying that behaviour.

My now 5 year old hated strangers looking at him as a baby and toddler, he’s grown out of it though. He’s neurodiverse.

Thanks @Thecoldwar, but no other signs of neurodiversity whatsoever (whereas several of his peers are already displaying quite a few) so it would be incredibly surprising if that were the case.

ETA: can’t seem to change the original post but he’s almost 4 - almost 3 was a typo.

That’s fair enough, you know your DS best! I wouldn’t dismiss it completely though, a lot of ND doesn’t become apparent until much older than 4.

My brother was like this as a child. He was absolute nightmare and it wasn't that he was shy he just didn't want to talk to anyone that wasn't either my mum or dad. He did grow out of it by the time he was 7 or so but until then going anywhere with him was so embarrassing for me cos he would have complete meltdowns wherever we went

If he's nearly 4 (as per your clarification) he was born in 2020 yes? Obviously I don't know your personal circumstances but if he was born during a time when we spent a lot of time having limited access to people outside our own families it could be a hangover from that? I have seen things written about the effects of Covid restrictions going on for a while, especially in children who were very young at the time. If it is related, I don't know the answer though I'm afraid, other than as he grows, he will hopefully grow out of it?

My son is 17 and has never spoken to strangers. He too doesn't like people he doesn't know. I used to get lots of comments from 'older' people saying he's rude etc. no, he's not. He just doesn't know you. He doesn't want to speak to someone he doesn't know, please respect that.

My dd doesn’t like strangers. She doesn’t tantrum but just glares at them. She used to cry so it’s an improvement! She’s just a slow to warm child and needs 20/30 mins to suss out new environments/new people and then she’s fine. Some kids just are people people!

Continue exposing him to stranger. Discipline him rather than excuse him. ‘That’s not how we speak to people making friendly comments’

ignore the tantrums.

yeah. Just desensitize and teach proper way. Because they need to function in public.

My son is almost four and reacts similarly to strangers too. I'm positive it is the effects of COVID. All he saw when he was very young was us 'avoiding'strangers. When we did go to groups, we were always made to stay 2 meters away. Everyone who did go seemed to go because they already knew someone and so didn't really talk to anyone else. I found it hard to make friends myself during that period. That is what my son saw. He'll frown if strangers talk to him or he'll hide. I model for him. He often gets called grumpy by strangers, even though I know he's the futhest thing from it. It bugs the living daylights out of me.

I feel you. I really do!

Really interesting points about covid. DS was born at the height of lockdown and tbh I didn’t think it had affected him, but interactions with strangers will have been very different to my other two boys’ experiences. I remember feeling sad that nobody came over to coo over him or chat to me about him. Then all he would’ve seen for months was strangers with half their faces covered!

My oldest is like this, from his baby and toddler years... As soon as he started talking and walking he would scream at other people walking our way on the street:No sir! Or if it was a female crossing our path you would hear loud No lady! Now it's funny but at times I felt so ashamed, fast forward to him being 3.5 now still no kind pep talk or offering candies or toys or any kind of interactions will help if he doesn't feel like it... He is neurotypical but just a "hater" as I like to say sometimes... It's a struggle for real... Even though he is

Even though he attends nursery since 13 months he only now at 3.5 accepts to play with other children at the park etc... He use to beg me before we go to park, mum will there be no other children, will I not be force to share my ball, toy etc... Sometimes you just get a child that is a bit more let's say selfish or spoiled or just that type of chscsrter that just won't open up to theirsurroinings right away and that is OK.. Even though it can be a bit uncomfortable

But when he does...he is there to hug and give you all his toys and be rest friends right away... It just takes time and then it is the total opposite... At 3.5, certainly not at 2 or 2.5 😂