Trouble at nursery

[Butcherbakercandlestickmaker]

I have a boy who turned 3 in March. He's the youngest of three but not alike his siblings in what I am about to describe so am completely at a loss. His development has always been a bit on the later end of normal but within acceptable limits and noone has shown any concerns. However recently the wheels have fallen off at nursery and am getting reports of poor behaviour and, very worryingly, lashing out at staff. It's deeply upsetting. They are looking at patterns to establish triggers but feel it's driven by embarrassment and I have to agree. The pattern seems to be: being naughty, being told off, being unable to recover from this, and the 'naughty' behaviour therefore accelerating. Rinse and repeat. He is very bright and loving, but incredibly highly strung and sensitive. I feel he is very anxious in nature. Every pick up I am greeted by the nursery manager needing to 'have a word'. Has anyone been here before? Any words of wisdom?

It's difficult isn't it. I had one that was a little behind on their milestones too.

Is your HV keeping an eye on him?

@RappersNeedChapstick thanks for replying. No they're not keeping an eye on him and nor has there been an offer to do so as scoring on the various age-appropriate asq and asq-se has always been within acceptable 'passing' limits. The behaviour described above is a v recent development so HV not aware of this, do you think it's worth contacting them?? I sense they wouldn't do anything to be honest! What is your story?

What is your story?

DC2 behaved beautifully at Nursery but much as you've described at home.

I'd start by doing this 3 year speech & language progress checker as some speech delay was definitely an issue with my DC2. They still do have some speech and language issues, it's just much harder to spot.

As Nursery seems to be demonstrating, normal methods of discipline don't work on some DC. I'd have a read of The Explosive Childd* for some tips on how to handle his behaviour a bit better.

It might be worth asking for a meeting with the Nursery Manager too and asking their SENCO to have a look at him?

I guess I'd try to start from the beginning. Firstly, what sort of 'naughty' behaviour is it that is starting the whole thing off? And what form does the telling off take?

Are we talking hitting/shoving, destructive behaviour, big stuff like that or more minor, like needing reminders about turn taking or tidying up? How does the nursery deal with undesirable behaviour, and how do you deal with similar behaviour at home? Has he had any similar reactions to you at home?

If it's more major stuff starting it off, then I would want to work with the nursery on what is triggering that behaviour. If it's minor stuff and he's lashing out following 'Oh, MyName, can you help tidy up please?' then nursery can't really try to head off the situation before it gets started. But perhaps they could look at something to deliberately help him re-regulate and tag that onto the correction? 'MyName, it's so-and-so's turn now, but why don't you do X with me?', where X is an activity that helps calm him. That might be a cuddle in the story corner, or it might be jumping up and down on the spot to let out the frustration. If he's sensitive to being told off, the positive engagement from the staff member who just corrected him might be very important in helping him move past it, to see and feel that the staff member has moved on and their relationship is still warm and supportive.

@RappersNeedChapstick thanks again for coming back. (It's still me I somehow deleted my account and had to make a new one). I did the tracker and it indicates he is fine in all areas but might need help with his 'speech', e.g. some speech immaturity, so have scheduled a call with them so thanks for the link. Nursery are going to be monitoring the behaviour and what leads up to it, hopefully that will give us a clearer picture to work with. How is your boy doing now? Did you access speech therapy for him?

@skkyelark thanks so much. The initial transgression is fairly minor (taking a toy and not returning it). He is taken aside and told to correct this (return toy and apologise). He obliges but his reaction to being told off is to sulk. He then rejects gentle offers to move on and rejoin the group and isolates himself getting more angry. If he is (in his mind) told off again its just fuel to the fire. It's like he bears a grudge. I manage his behaviour at home by correcting and then with a hug or humour if that's appropriate at the time. I am not excusing his poor behaviour, am mortified, but I don't actually think he's poorly behaved or unaware of how one ought to interact with others, it's like he cannot handle his emotions. Maybe that's true of most three year olds but my eldest two were not like this (from memory, they're a bit older!)?? He's at home with me now, I've just asked what makes him sad and he said "angry and sad faces"...

It's really good that you've scheduled call with them. I'd also talk to your HV and ask for a referral for a hearing test and some SLT.

Skyye is the expert though

I think he's given you a very aware response there, that sad and angry faces make him sad. That combined with how you handle it at home makes me think making sure he knows the relationship is still okay after might help.

Do nursery acknowledge the return of the toy and apology? 'Thank you for giving that back' or whatever? That can be immediate positive feedback from the staff member who's just told him off. Making sure he sees a warm smile at this point might also help – he might have his head down or be looking away if he's embarrassed and not automatically see it, even if the staff member is doing it.

Then there's the next phase, where he sulks and doesn't want to rejoin the group. Sulking or dwelling on it obviously isn't good, but he may need some time on his own to work through his feelings. And that's fine – some of us are that way! Could he be directed towards an individual activity that he really likes (preferably something that's virtually always available to them, drawing or building or whatever) so that getting absorbed in that helps him move past the anger/embarrassment? Ideally the staff member could come by after a little bit and say something positive about what he's doing to help reinforce that it's all good now, but realistically that won't always happen in a busy nursery.