Clingy child

[Nicecupofwine]

Can anyone advise how my friend's son can become less clingy. He's 3.5 and is fine when Mum is about but as soon as she says she's going to the car for 2 minutes he flees with her. He also hates being left at pre-school. Any ideas?

Mum should leave him for a very short period of time - say 5 mins to begin with. She should be very clear that she will be back soon. During that time the person caring for him should try to engage him in his favourite activity - whatever that is.

Then mummy re-enters reminding her ds that she ALWAYS returns when she says she will. My ds started nursery at 3 and was quite clingy at first - crying "stay mummy stay". I had no choice but to just tell him every single time that I had to go for a little while but I would be back to get him at lunch time. Now he trots off quite happily because he is secure about the fact that I will always come back. Having said that ds is quite extroverted, so although he had separation anxiety, he was never shy.

Hope she can work it out!

Thanks Bluebutterfly. She has actually tried that and does leave him now at pre-school for an hour or so. (that took 6 months to achieve). She now has the problem in social places. Like at mine today. He knows me so well but still fled when she said she was going to put stuff in the car. Personally I would shut the child in the house and then return in 2 minutes but she can't do that.

Is there any trick to increasing a child's confidence?

Why can't she do that Nice (good name btw)?

Is it possible that your friend has inadvertently encouraged a certain level of dependence, which is now complicating the separation process? I am not saying that it is her fault of course, different children have different temperaments, but I think encouraging children to explore the world on their own without too much interference (unless you can see any danger) is very important for creating a level of independence. I think that helps a child's sense of self confidence. I do know that some mother "hover" over their toddlers activities more than others and I think that it then becomes a bit trickier to teach a child to cope without their mother for even a short spell.

"some mothers"

Yes that is definitely what has happened in the past. Unfortunately it has come back to bite her on the bum. The boy is quite sensitive in his nature, but now it is ridiculous. I was trying to find his mum some new ways to leave him happily as she is now worn out by his constant clinging. I have a very independant dd so have the opposite problem - how do I get my dd to stay with me?

DS sounds similar to your friend's boy and just recently (he's nearly 4), he's made massive leaps in terms of confidence and independence. Maybe your friend's DS is like mine and just isn't quite ready developmentally to let her go. From personal experience I'd say the best thing you can do is to back off, ignore it and let him get there in his own time. Gentle encouragement, yes, but push him too soon and you'll stress him out. After all, it sounds like she's already made huge leaps with him, if he's now okay for a while at pre-school. You sound like a truly lovely friend, but honestly, if I'd done what you're suggesting with my DS it would very definitely have taken us backwards not forwards.

I can't help much, but wanted to add that young children who are clingy grow up into secure adults because they learn early on that Mum/Dad won't leave them.

I agree with Smee. My ds, nearly 4, has been clingy since a toddler. If I've ever tried to push independence he gets worse, starts panicking even if I go out of the room, won't stay in the room with even grandma etc. When I forget pushing it, & just let him be clingy when he needs to, he starts to relax again. Recently he's made great steps -e.g. running off to play with new child in strange house while I chat downstairs - popping in to see me about four times in 2 hours. I'm sure he wouldn't have got there by me forcing it tho, it had to be in his own time. At other times he's still clingy, when he feels less confident.
I think some children are just slower to gain that confidence with separation than others, & like other things it will come in its own time.
(I know some people assume my ds is like this because I have inadvertantly encouraged it in some way, but I find that very annoying actually. I would love for him to be confident & independent but as I say, if I try to encourage it, it backfires. Unless someone has had a clingy child themselves they can't really judge. And I do feel that the best thing to do is to boost their security by listening to their needs.)

Yeay for jollydo and our sensitive boys! Interesting that your DS is the same age of mine and finding his confidence in a similar way. I'm just hoping mine gets a bit further before we hit school. We've just jumped over a massive hurdle as DS let a babysitter put him to bed, so we had a night out. No small triumph, I can tell you
NCofW, remember that you've got a girl and girls notoriously tend to develop emotionally earlier. Though having said that, I was painfully shy as a child, so possibly have just trampled all over my own reasoning..

My ds was incredibly clingy right from being a baby and really, hated being left - but fine after I had left. It was the moment of separation that was tricky. Wore me down totally.

I think you just have to be firm and consistent but there's no trick to gaining confidence. Trying different techniques or trying to 'help' the parents can do more harm than good tbh. I agree with other posters there's a maturity/developmental point at which THEY THE CHILD decide that they're Ok about it all. It will come.

For my ds it was age 7

What PrimulaVeris says about her DS is true of mine, in that now on the odd occasions that nursery's a trial for him, if I leave he's fine after just a moment. Feels worth saying though, that before we reached that point of acceptance, he really wasn't fine and it wasn't just a moment before he was okay. Suppose all I'm saying is that there are stages to all this. At the stage we've reached now with our DS, we feel able to push him a bit more out of his comfort zone. Before that it would definitely have been detrimental.

I was not suggesting that everyone with a clingy child has created the situation themselves. As a mother of a reasonably independant and stubborn young boy, I am only to aware that sentiments that suggest you made him that way are annoying (although if I back off for a minute, I haven't ever discouraged ds from having an opinion, so I am sure that a little bit of his behaviour (positive and negative) is a result of my influence - how could it not be? Also, I do think that some behaviour is learned, (note I didn't say "taught") from our parents. I have a lovely friend who is extremely shy and quiet in social situations and her eldest dd is exactly the same (nature or nurture?). Whilst I am shy in some situations, I tend to overcome this by being more extroverted (maybe a result of moving around alot growing up and having to force myself to get along with different people) and so my son sees me go into social situations, even with people I don't know, with a certain type of confidence, so his main example is of someone who doesn't shy away from new situations (or, with all the moving, I would never have had any friends!)

I completely agree that forcing a shy/clingy child will probably only backfire, and that it is better to work with the child, rather than against him. I would suggest HEAPING on the praise whenever the ds accomplishes something independant, whilst not discouraging but "ignoring" the clingy behaviour: ie let the ds come to her, but don't comment on the behaviour or show undue concern for the child's shyness. "oh what is wrong darling, it's ok, mummy's here" type responses are understandable, but they do suggest to the child that there is something to worry about in strange situations. Maybe she should acknowledge he is there, say something positive about the situation,"those children look like they are having fun" type thing, and then carry on with what she is doing.

Sorry if you felt that I was criticising you Bluebutterfly, I realise you weren't saying that.
I agree that we can unwittingly just pass our personality traits / attitudes onto our children and we do influence their behaviour in huge ways.
It's just that I've had someone suggest that my child's separation anxiety is due to him picking up on my anxiety which I know just isn't true. He is clingy in situations where I have no worries at all about leaving him - with relatives, across the other side of a room at playgoup etc. I have thought about whether I have communicated some uncertainty to him - but really think I have tried my best to do the opposite even at the times when I might be worried about how he'll be. I'm delighted if he agrees to go to the park with Granny - but 5 minutes later he can be back in tears because he suddenly wanted Mummy .
I do think that some children just have a longer or more intense spell of the normal separation anxiety that most of them get to some extent.
I think you are right about not 'fussing' over them too much about it though - and it is easy to do when they are upset.

Thanks everyone for your opinions. That will make my friend feel heaps better - she was sure it was her influence in some way, and was completely worn down from the way he clings when other children are playing happily. I will pass on your experiences - especially PrimulaV. Even if it takes til he's 7 she will feel encouraged that it will pass. I will definitely praise him for being independant when I see him. Thanks a lot - this is just the kind of advice I've been looking for.

No, jolly I didn't really think you were criticising me , but I realised that my post did sound like I was saying it was the mother's fault and I know that children are born with different temperaments and I think it is rare that parents are the main cause of shyness, or any other trait for that matter.

I guess we are all saying more or less the same thing - there are things that the mother can do, but forcing him to do things that he is nervous of doing is probably an unhelpful even detrimental approach.