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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Should I take my shy 2 year old out of nursery?

20 replies

jazzyazzy · 10/04/2008 13:04

My daughter was 2 in November and is very shy and quite intense but really happy when she's with people she knows well.She's been in nursery, 2 mornings a week for 6 months and still cries the minute she sees the door of the nursery and the past 2 weeks it's got relly bad and they have to pull her off me screaming. It's really really upsetting me seeing her like this and I spoke to the Head of Unit who said they would try moving her upstairs as she responds better with the older children. When I said that I would give it a month and if it doesn't get any better, I would think about taking her out of nursery she said that personally she thinks it would be a good idea as she thinks my daughter is a very bright child but given her personality would do better going to childcare when she's older. I respect her opinion and have gotten to know her well over the 6 months and she also has a shy child, but now I'm relly confused as other people are saying if I take her out it will make it worse when she's older and has to go to pre school. I only work 1 of the 2 days she's at nursery so between me and my mum we can look after her but I put her in as I thought it would be good for her to interact with other kids without me there and to be honest I really enjoy my 4 hours without her but obviously will forego that if it helps her. Sorry, I've really gone on. Could anyone offer advice or share a similar experience? Thanks

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Enid · 10/04/2008 13:08

If I were you, and I didnt HAVE to rely on the nursery, I would take her out. Listen to the Head of Unit (and your dd!)

If its any consolation, my dd1 was just like this, and in fact ended up going nowhere until she went to school - settled in to school really well eventually and has always found it easy to make friends.

I love my dd3s nursery but if I didnt work I wouldnt send her. I dont think they are the best places for children if I am completely honest, especially toddlers. Babies and preschoolers seem to cope fine. Just an observation.

Have you considered a childminder? They can be a great half way house before school.

Enid · 10/04/2008 13:08

Oh, and NEVER listen to people who say it will make it worse. Total rubbish.

Monkeybird · 10/04/2008 13:10

or if you can, go to a playgroup with her to help get her used to such situations. I agree with enid - if she's not ready and you don't have to, don't do it.

Enid · 10/04/2008 13:13

although dd1 HATED playgroups as well

she wanted me me and, oh, me

people went on and on about how unhealthy it was but as it didnt bother me I just did what felt right. She is still a bit sensitive but is in the main a lovely, kind, imaginative child and we are as close as anything (she is 8 now).

Jojay · 10/04/2008 13:13

Have you thought about a childminder?

My Ds is 17 months and quite shy too. He's got a really good bond with my lovely childminder and he gets lots of one to one attention.

I know I'm lucky, as she doesn't look after that many kids, but he sees her house as a real home from home, never bats an eyelid when DH drops him off, and is never that overjoyed to see me when I go to collect him!!

Her house is a much quieter, calmer environment than a nursery would be, although they do lots of fun things too.

As for those who say 'how will she cope with preschool' etc, a few months can make a huge difference when it comes to child development, and she might be fine by then. and even if she isn't pre-school isn't compulsory either. She'll be ready in her own time.

Best of luck hwatever you decide.

HonoriaGlossop · 10/04/2008 13:15

of course it won't make it worse when she's older and 'has' to go to pre-school!

I really don't believe you have to 'practice' stuff with kids. no good practising for stuff they will have to do in a year or two's time; they are not mini adults and don't have the same emotional or intellectual make up. In a year or two's time, children have developed and are ready for different things. There is such a thing as readiness in children.

the only thing your DD will experience if you do take her out is that you have listened to her

She will get all the socialisation she needs with you and your mum and the odd visit to a playgroup if you want to.

wb · 10/04/2008 13:19

If you can, take her out and try again in a year. You may find she loves it then.

A lot of children are OK in nursery at age 2 but many find it overwhelming. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with them at all so don't let other people worry you into sending her if you don't think its right.

LoveMyGirls · 10/04/2008 13:20

I'm a childminder and think nursery has it's place as do childminders, personally I feel like this...

Nursery - great for children over 2 who are out going, bright and confident and need a more structured day. also good for those who don't need a nap anymore or have lots and lots of energy. (I am planning to send my dd2 to nursery for one or two mornings a week soon as I think she would benefit being in a large group of children her own age with 1 activity at a time to help her concentration levels plus is it an extension to her learning)

Childminder - Great for children under 2 or children who are a bit shy, cope better with just one person (other than parents) caring for them, get tired easily, like to play with a variety of ages of children (your dd mixes better with older children so a childminder may well be the answer) Children who prefer a busy morning and a quieter afternoon (where they can nap in their own cot in a dark quiet room if they need to) you want them to have a day similar to yours with outings to toddler groups, park, shop, school runs etc

Hope you find something you are both happy with soon.

Enid · 10/04/2008 13:22

I think you've nailed it LovemYgirls

PrimulaVeris · 10/04/2008 13:25

Hmmm... my ds was clingy and just like this until he finally grew out of it aged 7 - he had to be extracted from me or DH at childminders, nursery, then school ...

But difference is that I worked, there was no option. I don't give in easily (give him an inch and he'd take a mile). And I have to say I'm probably more of a, er, stalinist mother than Enid or Honoria

What is she like AFTER you've left - does she eventually settle and play? If she does the latter then I wouldn't thought you need worry, but if she's continually unhappy then maybe you might need to rethink.

If she's about 2.5 she must be near to pre-school anyway?

Enid · 10/04/2008 13:27

there is a MASSIVE difference between mums who work and mums who dont work

I work now so my 2 year old HAS to go to nursery. Tbh if I didnt work I wouldnt send her. Simple as that.

Enid · 10/04/2008 13:28

and IMO people who say they have to go to nursery/pre-school or they wont settle at school are justifying their own decision

HonoriaGlossop · 10/04/2008 13:29

No, having to work doesn't make you stalinist Primula!!!!

It's just if the option is there.

That's a really good summary of the differences between nursery and CM's, LMG!

peacelily · 10/04/2008 13:41

Hi Jazzy, I think different los are ready for different things at different ages. My freinds dd couldn't tolerate nursery until she was 2.5 and then got into it very slowly. She sounds very like your dd. Friends dd screamed the place down when friend tried her at 18m but then when she tried again at 2.5 it really worked. She'd reached a stage where that kind of environment was helpful for her. Friends dd is quite shy, quiet and likes quiet creative1:1 activities.

My dd on the other hand is the mose sociable creature you've ever met! She likes exploring and LOVES the company of other children especailly girls. She's been in nursery from a young age because I knew it would "fit" her personality. She loves it and doesn't hanker to leave the way some of the other kids do. Saying that I do split my dds time half at nursery/half at home with me or gps as I feel 5 days is too much and makes her a bit anxious.

I'd take her out if that were an option and try again in a few months.

Good Luck

LoveMyGirls · 10/04/2008 13:45

Thanks There are loads of other points I could make, those were just the basics.
(Just incase anyone is wondering where my mindees are while I'm posting i'll put your minds at ease, they are all asleep and i'm having my lunch ever since that thread i feel the need to justify myself, silly really!)

Enid · 10/04/2008 13:48

lol I'd be chuffed if I found a mumsnet childminder

LoveMyGirls · 10/04/2008 13:58

Lol thanks again enid i'll take that as another compliment i think
I do think MN is a wonderful place and you can learn so much about parents, children, childminders and nurseries etc This website which has helped me so much in rl, I'm much more understanding and there isn't a problem that can't be solved by someone on MN, years before i actually started minding I used to come on here and read about the childminders so i had a really good idea what kind of childcare I wanted to provide and they all helped me so much too.
I don't have any formal qualifications (apart from the ones you are legally obliged to do) BUT being a mum and havng MN is better than any course lol!!! If I could put I'm a mumsnetter on my website maybe I would get more business (not that I have spaces)

claraquitetirednow · 10/04/2008 14:02

Haven't had time to read all the messages but another vote here for trying a childminder. Dd1 was (is) shy and the thought of leaving her in a nursery was quite terrifying. However I found a lovely childminder and never looked back - she is so happy there, I will be sad when she moves on. She does get to interact with other children, but not so many that it is overwhelming for her. And she is learning how to be away from me, so leaving her when she goes to pre-school won't be so scary for either of us.

kama · 10/04/2008 14:07

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Original poster

jazzyazzy · 10/04/2008 20:09

Wow I'm overwhelmed by the response. Thankyou all so much for your comments. It's very true about children's development and how much they change in a short period of time.That's what I'm hoping anyway. I think I'll give it another couple of weeks with her in the older group and if it's not any better I'll take her out.It's just not worth her being so upset even if I am really going to miss my 'crappy magazine and a latte' once a week. Hey ho. I'll definitely think about a childminder as well.
Thanks all, I feel much better.

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