How do you handle your 6 year old when they are still doing the kicking/screaming tantrum thing?!

[Eulalia]

dd is 6 next week and I feel the time has come to stop this kind of behaviour as she is just getting too big for it and it is embarassing me. I have read here that this behaviour isn't uncommon at this age but funny how I never seem to see anyone else doing it when we are out!

It has caused a rift between my carer as she told me that I am spoiling dd and making her job difficult. My carer looks after my oldest son who has autism. We were all out in the car last Sunday at a soft play place, my carer, dd and 2 sons, youngest is only 2 so I have quite a difficult time of it anyway. anyway on the way out dd spots some sweet machines by the door (god I hate those things!) and started whining about wanting a sweet. I said no and there was an argument about who was sitting where. ds1 was behaving really well for once but he tends to wind up dd with making comments. dd just accellerated into full blown kicking (always seems worse in a car, confined space) and my carer was tutting. I mostly ignored dd and distracted her by talking about a game we could play when i got home (apparently I was spoiling by talking about this!)

Later on i get this email saying basically what a useless mother I am. i have dealt with the carer telling her to mind her own business but I know dd's behaviour isn;t ideal.

am startng a sticker reward system but interested to know if anyone else's 6 year olds still do this kind of thing and what triggers it. Thanks.

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Keep calm (easier said than done, I know), and ignore her as much as possible.

What sanctions do you use for inappropriate behaviour?

Make sure that she is clear about what will happen if she behaves in a way you don't find acceptable, and make sure you stick to it.

Lots of praise for appropriate behaviour, and comments such as "you are getting so grown up and behaving so nicely", "I am so proud of you today" etc etc.

Try and get some one to one time with each child if you can - although I know this can be hard. Something as simple as playing a game of cards with one child, whilst the others play elsewhere, or reading a few pages of a book with each child.

DS2 was similar at this age. He was just getting the confidence to strike out in the world a bit without his old Mum, but still little enough to get very frustrated when I had to remind him that I was in charge.

Eulalia -I have nothing but sympathy. My 5 and 1/2 yr old threw a massive wobbler today over my refusal to purchase some sweets. He threw himself on the floor, had to be literally dragged on the floor out of the shop then proceeded to kick me all the way home. If I dared loosen my grip he would wrench himself free and run off. In my opinion (which probably aint worth much given I clearly have no control over my kids)trying to reason with them when they are in full flow is pointless. Grit your teeth, smile inanely, remove offending child then when you are home and child is calm have a big talk about it and how unacceptable their behaviour was.
After calming down today, my ds apologised then was super good for the rest of the evening.

Thanks everyone. I am trying to do the positive praise bit and I don't have a sanctions plan worked out to be honest. If she is really bad she is sent to her room which she hates. Saying be grown up doesn't really work as she actually enjoys being babyish, although is growing out of it at last. I totally agree trying to talk to her is pointless and it was really bugging me when my carer was saying "stop that" etc from the back seat and just making her worse. It is hard for dd having a disabled brother as she doesn't really understand about him properly yet. Also ds1 likes to 'discipline' her and its a nightmare trying to maintain good behaviour with him around as he copies me. So I have to try and discipline her without him noticing which is often impossible and I am not perfect and do shout and often end up having to deal with him so the point of what I was saying to her is lost. Sorry am rambling somewhat, we are getting an autism advisor in tomorrow and she is going to help with a plan for ds1 and hope that stickers in a book will work for dd. ds2 still at toddler tantrum stage so some days it feels like they are all whinging, shouting, crying etc....!

(((((((( Eulalia )))))))

What an awful thing to happen. My son is the same age as your daughter and he has the occassional tantrum. Quite a lot of his friends also throw strops. Its not unusual.

I think your carer was truely awful to send a horrid email to you. Its her job to make your family life easier for you by giving you some respite not to critize your parenting.

Prehaps you should show the autism advisor the email that the carer sent to you and discuss a course of action. Clearly this carer is worst than useless. I think you should be allocated a new carer.

Its tough being a parent, specially if you have a child who is severely disabled. I hope you get the support you deserve.

Carer was well out of order.

DS is 5 and he and his 6yo/nearly6yo friends almost all still have occasional "meltdowns".

Is your DD goal-orientated? My DS is fixated on his star chart and the thought that he might be endangering an offered star (or I do threaten the loss of one sometimes) is the most effective 'sanction' I have found. For example, he will get up without a murmur if I say at the beginning of the week that if he gets up without complaining all week he can have a star - does that make sense?

6yos also seem to have an over-developed sense of what is 'fair' and I can completely understand that DS1's autism must aggravate that for your DD as the rules will clearly appear to her to be different for him than they are for her. Hopefully the autism advisor can help in finding ways to help her understand?

Thanks again, not so easy regarding the carer, I employ her through a direct payments system funded by social services. Because she is actually my employee (and has just passed her probationary period) it would be hard to get rid of her. Also because of where I live which is fairly rural it is hard to get carers and most of the work is weekends and very few suitable people want to work at weekends. So for the moment we have patched things up.

I got a nice notebook today and just waiting for star stickers to come in the post. It's her birthday on Wed so she may as well be as tantrumy and spoiled as she likes up till then and on the day itself of course. Then we'll get down to business!