Seriously struggling with high needs baby

[EndOfTetherReachedLongAgo]

I'm currently on maternity leave with ten-month-old DD (we also have a 4 year old who goes to nursery).

I am seriously, seriously at the end of my rope. The baby is extremely high needs - will only stop crying if I'm holding her, standing up, on my hip. If I sit down, she cries. Actually, she cries at everything - won't sit on the floor and play with toys, nor the garden, not the pram or car seat. I breastfeed her through the night but I just started giving her bottles during the day as I need to get her ready for nursery in September. At night she sleeps on me - DH is in the spare room - as if I put her in a cot, or a sidecar cot, or a sleepyhead, or anything other than on me, she screams. And it does NOT stop.

I've read all the books, I've googled it to death. I've tried everything - calpol in case she's in pain etc. - and nothing makes this baby happy apart from me standing up holding her. Yes, I put her in a baby carrier sometimes, purely so I can get things done, but I've had ENOUGH.

DH works away three nights a week and we have no family nearby. Friends are all busy with their own families. And when we left the kids with a close friend for a couple of hours, the baby worked herself up in an awful state.

She's always been clingy but I thought she'd grow out of it. It feels like it's getting worse. I'm so, so tired, my back and shoulders are always killing me, and I just want to be able to put her down without screams and flailing herself around. What do I do?!

That sounds so so tough...just wonder did you speak to the GP about it?

That does sound very, very tough. Have you got a carrier that's good for a hip carry, if that's her preferred hold, to at least help take some of the strain off your back and shoulders? A 'hip seat' one might work for you if she wants the feel of your arm around her holding her, but you still need something to take most of her weight?

Does she accept DH holding her, or is it all on you, even when he's there?

Thank you both for replying! I haven't spoken to the GP, @Mumof3onetwothree - it did cross my mind, but in every way I can think of, she's a healthy, happy baby (she also just had her development review . . . when I described the situation, I just got a sympathetic "yes, it's tough isn't it" so I'm not sure what I'd say. I'm not sure the GP would have much sympathy for "my baby cries a lot" . . . !

I was thinking maybe a hip carrier, @skkyelark, but holding her in any position is tiresome for long periods of time. Ideally I could put her in her playpen for a few minutes, or help her learn to sleep in her cot. She's happy being held by DH if we divert her attention from what's happening, but if she spots me again, she cries to get back to me.

I honestly don't know how this has happened. We did the same with both babies and they've turned out so differently! I adore her - her wee face when she smiles at me is just the best - but oh my goodness I'm tired physically, mentally, emotionally.

You poor things....but good she's healthy. If at all affordable could you try a regular babysitter so that you could get a reprieve? I know she might be upset to be away from you but at least you might not reach breaking point...

I had a similar experience. Mines is now at nursery and almost 1.5 years. She seemed to get better once she could crawl then walk, as I think she hated being a baby and not able to move herself. I think cos I breastfeed she also felt super bonded to me and is a Velcro baby. She’s better as a toddler now she’s been to nursery for 6 months, she seems more confident and a bit more independent.

someone said to speak to the GP, it may be that your wee one has silent reflux or an allergy / food intolerance and is in pain in their tummy but has no other symptoms? Worth checking. Mines hates being laid down on her back so will only sleep in the car cos she’s upright 😭

Oh, I absolutely get that it would feel amazing to be able to pop her down for a couple of minutes and have her be happy. I just thought the hip carrier might make it physically easier whilst she gets to that point. Perhaps see if there's a sling library near you (or one that does postal loans) that has one, and then you can see if it helps without actually buying one?

If she'll be held by DH as long as you're out of sight, can (or do) you and he coordinate it so that you do get a proper break on the days he's home? At least an hour when he's responsible for the baby, and at least once or twice a week, I don't mean so you can catch up on chores! DD2 was with me basically 24/7 and hence really only bonded to me, DH unable to help much, no family near, etc., but a friend came and took her out in her pram for a walk every week or so (carefully timed for when DD2 was most likely tolerate it!), and that hour when I could actually switch off was a godsend. DH may also have better luck in getting her used to being put down for a minute or two.