Worried about Nursery Referral can they do this

[Lucia212]

So long story short DS1 eldest son turned 4 years old in April started at a new nursery setting as we weren't entirely happy with previous setting feedback etc... This nursery is VERY different, son struggles with mealtimes, no alternatives, he'd go all day with some bread, or rice some days which is unacceptable. Lots of things we've had to pull the nursery up about and should have just tried to move him from then really first red flags. But he's done so well settling in.
Anyway reception teacher from the school he starts in September came to observe and visit him at the nursery, It was a horrendous experience, he was upset at lunchtime by whatever triggered him or whatever happened they said he wouldn't sit, was crying for mummy, started throwing sand and was generally disruptive and upset which really saddened me to hear. And from there talks of SEN needs started and it was only suggestion apparently in May.
Fast forward today and we had a meeting with the school senco team and class teacher along with nursery who have been feeding back all these negative, disruptive behaviours and apparently our son is hitting others too. This is all news to us!! We are told daily he's been fine and now they've gone ahead and referred him to the local authority for Sen support I am in so much shock, can pre schools/nursery do this without parent consent? Everywhere I've read it says parents must be consulted first.
They've changed the narrative as if we are not accepting of the help- we weren't aware he needed it. We are all for him having support if required but we would have liked the conversation with all of these behaviours and concerns that the nursery had.He doesn't display these behaviours at home or when out in softplays or parks etc with other children around.
Where do we stand and what can we do from here?
We feel the nursery just isn't a great fit for him, high staff turnover, no stability in his key workers, poor feedback, poor food choices offered. We have to really push for him to be offered alternatives. Then just as he goes to school they've hit us with this and decided behind our backs that he has Sen needs all of a sudden. And now the primary school are digging for information from nursery they are now saying they've tried to tell us and we are not accepting the help or feedback which is completely Bull!! Sorry it's so long.

I would be putting in an official complaint to the nursery. You need to ask for a copy of their complaints procedure or look it up on line and follow the stages.
I would be asking for a meeting with the school, without the nursery attending and calling out this BS.
I would also pull him out of nursery and find an alternative placement. Whether that’s you reducing hours temporarily and asking family to help out, or whether it’s finding a child minder for the last few months before he starts school.
not looks like lunch time is a huge trigger and this needs addressing… can he not take in packed lunch?

Was the feedback from the first nursery and second nursery similar, hence you pulling him out?

It's really difficult when you've not been consulted first, and aren't witnessing the same behaviours at home compared to nursery. But they are skilled in child development and if they feel your DS getting some support would be beneficial, especially before he starts school it's something I would consider.

I can understand you being upset, have neither Nursery seriously never mentioned any concerns over his behaviour previously?

If you’re genuinely not seeing similar behavior elsewhere, MOVE HIM. We had a similar situation with our DC, preschool heavily hinting at autism etc despite the behaviors they were reporting only being present in their setting. We got DC assessed, psychologist said she was not seeing anything indicating a diagnosis but urged us to move DC. Within weeks, DC was a different child and the new school just looked confused when I mentioned behavior problems at the old school. Old school was chaotic with inexperienced teachers and poor boundaries and I think my DC was just super stressed and anxious and had been subject to low level mid behavior from other kids so did not trust that the teachers would help her. New school teachers are really experienced with high expectations for the kids.

We are going to take him out of there and move younger brother too. The previous nursery had no boundaries in Terms of behaviours I witnessed the way other kids were jumping on eachother, pulling others down to the ground, they all seemed to do this! And he was starting to copy these older boys. Also poor communication with 1 staff member, quite a few parents were complaining about his attitude, he seemed like he couldn't be bothered and left the kids to it, wouldn't call out naughty behaviours or tell them to stop. He would have moved up with the kids and been LO's keyworker in preschool if he stayed on. We didn't want that.
Everything that would be considered 'negative/ bad behaviours' at current nursery were downplayed they said they wanted to be positive and not upset us!! So some issues with sharing they'd say Oh but that's normal at this age blah blah so we've been led to believe it's not of great concern.
We are all for getting our child help if he needs it but nursery have just blatantly lied and to cover their backs are being advised to refer now to make it look like they've tried to support LO.
Big complaints will be going in trust me to the nursery, Ofsted you name it as they've failed DS1, clearly not followed protocol that's some sort of malpractice for not informing parents. They'll know about it.
I just can't believe what my poor boy has had to go through, I'm not surprised he feels frustrated and lost his confidence because they haven't bothered with him 😞 Breaks my heart we chose that place for him which was meant to be a really good provision.
The new primary school are actually shocked by all of this and are challenging the nursery asking for evidence of what they've done to support or son if they feel he has issues.
They've also said from their observations in their school setting he seems fine, more relaxed and happy exploring whilst he was there. They will observe when he starts in September and we've agreed if the school feels he needs support in any areas then there will be discussions and plans from there. They are going to give him a fair shot because they feel it may also be the nursery setting just isn't right.

The first Nursery sounds awful. How did you find out about the DC rugby tackling other DC? That sounds appalling.

I agree that the setting could be affecting his behaviour but there are some things that you can do to check he's on track.

Firstly I'd do this simple speech and language progress checker from Speech & Language UK. Our DC2 had some delay with some aspects of her speech that were not really obvious.

I'd also do the two Ages & Stages:

Firstly the 48 month Ages & Stages

And then the 48 month Social & Emotional Ages & Stages.

Filling in those and marking them should give you more of an idea of whether he needs some extra support or not

Thank you so much @CadyEastman very good resources there and my son can do the majority of those things on the list, his speech is really good. We've just been through them.
It was bizarre because the first nursery was brilliant in all others areas really, menus, resources, they learnt yoga and french we just felt that one guy let things down. When we would pick up or son we'd seen it with our own eyes the kids running wild in the garden and jumping on eachother dragging others down. Piling/lying on top of eachother!! 1 day when waiting for handover from the staff I witnessed two boys fighting over a chair and 1 boy really thumping this other in the back I was shocked.! Only because he was crying and I was like OMG staff come round to see and separated them.
But I really do feel that it's definitely my son's current setting. I'm not surprised he's frustrated or feels left out or sad and stressed 😥 he functions very well in most areas actually even current setting said this.