Childs behaviour deteriorated after abusive husband left

[mima02]

My daughter who is 6 has started being really verbally abusive to me.
She has never done this before but since her father left 6 weeks ago after a year of him being abusive verbally and finally physically to me, she has almost replaced him word for word.
Im trying really hard to hold it together after finally getting the courage to end our marriage and I really need some advise on how to calm her down and help her when I am in emotional turmoil myself...Has anyone experienced anything like this?

I'm no expert, but I'm guessing that she may be testing your boundaries. Her dad has left. If she is really awful will you leave her too, or do you really, really love her and are you going to be there for her, whatever? I think that if you were able to give her lots of reassurance - whilst not condoning the way that she speaks to you - it might help.

However, she is also working out the new rules for your relationship now, and falling back on the only model she knows well. Be firm. You and she are going to be looking after each other now. You can talk to her and set the rules for how you want your home to be, from now on.

Hopefully someoe else with more experience will be along in a moment with more advice too.

Best of luck in your new life together.

Sorry, I don't know how to help you. Bumping.

I would say she has had enough time for allowances and you need to take back control.

She is testing boundaries as she has seen how her father has been towards you and she is trying it out for herself.

She needs to learn quickly that it isn't acceptable.

Allowing her to express her feelings of sadness, insecurity and confusion about her dad leaving is not the same as you allowing her to walk all over you.

I wish you luck.

Try to talk in terms of feelings so she can get past the hurling abuse stage.
Talk about being sad/angry/upset/scared. She is probably all those things and wondering where her dad has gone.
It will be hard but try to establish a dialogue rather than her taking control and you being under the thumb, she only knows that model and is trying to recreate it, currently she does not realise this is wrong.
If you have friends with children a similar age where the family interaction is fun and happy see if you and DD can go round htere, then she will see people living together not hurling insults but enjoying each other's company and being supportive.
If you read her bedtime stories, see if you can find some where parents and children have fun together.

I ended violent relationship last August. My dd is 3 in May this year and it was v difficult at first. She was extremely difficult in terms of her behaviour especially at bedtime but because of her age could not express herself verbally. If I gave her into trouble for being naughty she shouted Daddy Daddy Daddy for minutes on end - my family and nursery said to perservere and ignore it. Sometimes I wondered if I was doing the right thing.
Now she is a different wee girl with no worries or anxieties. She cuddles and kisses now where as before she did not like contact and is a loveable and cheeky and regaining her innocence.
Please hang in there it is worth it for her and also yourself

First of all I just wanted to say that you really have shown so much courage and strength in protecting yourself and your daughter from abuse, that it seems so unfair to be having more problems with your daughter now.

I think everyone's suggestions have been really helpful and it makes sense that your daughter's behaviour is telling you about her feelings around what's been going on. You seems as if you know that she is going to need patience, understanding, clear boundaries and a very good age appropriate explanation for what's happened. I hope she's getting consistent messages about why her dad's not home, I know that sometimes dads and their families confuse children by minimising events and blaming mothers. I think you will also need a good support network around you to see you through this time.

It may be worth contacting the Family Information Service in your area if you feel that it would be helpful to find out what resources there are. Where I work, we have a really good Women's Aid Refuge who do lots of outreach work with children and families. It is very early days, though and it may be that things settle down with time. Good luck and best wishes.

Just dropping back in to see how you are today, Mima02. Thinking of you.

I have a lot of experiance with this myself.

She has witnessed her fatehrs behaviour. she has an internal sturggle between knowing what he has done is wrong but also grief at losing him.
she misses him and although she knows what he has done is wrong she still loves him. she can't verbalise her grief for fear of upsetting you.

She is acting out in the same way her father did as it makes her feel as though she is closer to him.

6weeks is a long time to you, but to a 6 year old its just like yesterday.

next time she speaks to you that way drop to her level, look her straight in the eye and say NO! do not speak to me like that. in a firm but not shouting voice.

Don't allow yourself to be drawn into a discussion with her. just remain calm and confident. do not allow her to seeyou are being upset at what has been said.

It may also be worth contacting your local NCH centre (if you google NCH and your local town you should find something) they will undoubtedly have a number for your local NSPCC group for children who have experianced domestic abuse.
they are fantastic as they have trained members who can talk through what she has seen, what she is feeling and how she can manage her anger.