Boy hitting other children

[Natacha21]

Hello,

We have a DS, 3 years old, very bright, who has been hitting other children for some time. We have tried punishments but rewards, in agreement with the staff at nursery, seem to work better. He got bullied by other children when at crèche when he was very little. He can push other children quite strongly, sometime scratch or bite (less commonly), but he can throw things at other boys. His reactions are unpredictable, not systematic, but can be quite violent (the consequences of his acts can be dangerous but I don't think he realises that fully).
He seems not to understand that he hurts other children but if asked whether he would like somebody else to do this to him, you know the answer.

Our only supposition about his behavior is that he actually is quite shy and very scarred of other kids. When he is in an environment with new kids, or a lot of kids, that seems to stress him out. It is not a major problem, but it is with other parents that don't understand this behavior and quickly classify us as "bad parents". Have you experienced similar behavior with your child? how did you resolve this problem ?

Thank you for any advise.

I think using rewards is great, it's so much better to be positive than negative.

Couple that with strong, clear boundaries (as in, if it happens at playgroup, taking him aside for a little time out, and warning that if it happens again you will take him home, then DOING it if it does!) and I don't think you can do more...

The other thing I would do is take the pressure off as much as possible..if he has to go to nursery, then he does; but other than that I think I would avoid too much pressure to play with other kids at this age. Better to avoid the problem altogether if possible, because he won't be three forever and will soon become able to socialise better without the hitting, etc. there is plenty you can do that is 'social' without it being about kids playing directly together; swimming, visits to farms, parks, country walks, beach walks, shops....

Thank you Honoria,

Will apply your advise but I am still unsure as to how to limit is damaging hitting when I am not there (nursery for instance).

Thanks

Natacha

Well, when you're not there, it's someone else's problem

At nursery they will have to deal with it there and then. There's really nothing else you can do. Nursery often report incidents to parents who immediately feel responsible and as if they ought to 'do something' but that's not the reason it's being reported, it's more for keeping you informed....

good luck