Threats - are they okay if they work?

[namestasher]

My three year old DS is a really pretty easygoing, but when he is demanding, for example - jumping on the sofa/refusing to get dressed/brush teeth etc, I've found myself threatening a consequence, for example:
Oh well if you don't brush your teeth then we can't go out.
Or
If you keep jumping on the sofa, you're going straight to bed.

Right now, (almost) every time I make one of these threats, he responds with 'Okay, I'll stop.'
And just stops whatever the behaviour is.

Whilst this appears really great, he seems to really understand there are consequences, is this actually a long-term behaviour strategy?

Should we be doing something differently?
Will we regret this approach?

Would like to clarify, we're not scary or disciplinarian - he's not responding because he's scared of us! 😂

That's fine. It's not threatening him; it's a consequence. The only issue is if you don't follow through.
Heck, I can still use it on my 16yo at times, only it tends to be along the lines of: "if you don't have a shower then I'm not giving you a lift because I'm not putting up with that smell in an enclosed space."

have you thought about giving him options and letting him choose? e.g it’s dinner time now (affirmed red line by you), do you want to eat on the yellow or pink plate? e.g2 it’s bedtime now, which pjs do you want to wear? do you want to brush your teeth first or read a book first?

so always set the rule that is non-negotiable followed by a set of options for him to choose from. Kids at that age want to affirm themselves and thrive in knowing they choose something.

Consequences are OK if they are ones you follow through on. Are you actually not going to go out or put him straight to bed? They soon learn that these are false claims. Giving choices is a better tactic as they feel they have more control but the ultimate goal is the options are ones that work for you

This is the ONLY tool parents have in their box to encourage desirable behaviour. Obviously we aren’t smacking or shouting these days, so this is all that’s left. I think it’s perfectly sane and normal to say “if you don’t brush your teeth we won’t be going out” because your doing this for the child’s own good. If they don’t brush their teeth they will get decay, possibly sepsis, could end up having a GA for tooth extraction. You can’t simply say oh ok, you don’t feel like brushing your teeth that’s fine. So what else are we supposed to do if we don’t “threaten them” with consequences? I’ve always done this and it goes right upto the teen years where you would take phone/ devices if they don’t do homework or whatever. To me it’s more like bargaining with them. It teaches them that there’s some not very fun / pleasant things in life, but we still need to do them before we can go have fun. That’s life!! You sound like a great parent to me, especially that your questioning your methods, but I honestly think even professionals would tell you this is good parenting

I know everyone knocks gentle parenting on here, but to me that's gentle parenting at its best. Set a reasonable boundary, explain the boundary and the consequence, give them a chance to comply, then hold the boundary and follow through with the consequence.
To make it easier I have a set of small consequences that are easy to do but don't cause us too many problems. For some reason, taking a bedtime storybook away is the worst consequence ever for him, despite him having about 15 books in his bedroom and we only ever read 3 of them 🤣 if I threatened to not go out, he knows I couldn't follow through because I can't bear being stuck in the house with 2 under 5s 🙈

I have literally just said to my girls "if you do not put those barbies away we're not going out!" 🤣 If they don't listen then I will stick to my guns and not go! This is a great way of teaching them with choice comes consequences. If they choose not to listen then the consequences are xyz. You're doing great lovely ❤️

That’s not gentle parenting.

There's a small differenc between threats and consequences.
If the child knows that if he jumps on the sofa goes straight to bed, that is a consequence.
If when the child is jumping in the sofa you tell him it'll go to bed unless he stops, that's a threat.
In theory, threats do not work and they usually loose their effect anyway.
Whether if you set the boundaries before hand, once you see your child jumping in the sofa, you calmly (important this, as you still need to be the leader authority) taking him to bed and explained to him that jumping in the sofa is not allowed and it has consequences.

I wouldn’t rely on threats/consequences, because ultimately, you’ve got to be prepared to carry them through. And he will up the ante as he grows. Perhaps rephrase “it’s time to brush teeth before we can go out to x, would you like to put the toothpaste on or shall I?”, or “we need to brush teeth and hair before we go out, which shall we do first?”. Playful behaviour like racing, using timers etc. are a good idea too.
for ‘undesirable’ behaviour like jumping on the sofa, look for the need that he’s communicating - is he bored? In need of some sensory input? Try “jumping is fun isn’t it? We can jump on the floor, but not the sofa, let’s try it here”.
Wonderful that you’re questioning things and looking at what works. Dr Martha Collado has great content in Insta and a new book out. She’s a child psychologist and mum, and her tips are all very accessible and realistic. Dr Martha’s book

Say to him, if you don't listen with 10 seconds, then there will be a consequence. Make the consequence realistic, and something that you will follow through with. For example, saying, "you're not going out," but even though you will, is not realistic. Keep it simple. Good luck

I would aim to make them logical and explain the logic but otherwise I think that's good parenting. Ultimately, if he won't clean his teeth, then you can't go out because his smelly breath isn't socially acceptable and everyone needs clean teeth before they leave the house. Make sure you can stick to them though because sooner or later he'll test you and the boundaries! Everyone says "threats" (or more often in my house its "bribes") but I think its just consequences and rewards which work really well so long as you're consistent, follow through and they're fair and logical. Also they work so...!

Sounds entirely reasonable and it's working. Well done for finding a strategy that works.

You must be prepared to follow through with what you say. So personally I'd never put my child to bed, so for the sofa I'd say if you want to jump you need to jump on this cushion on the floor. Or you need to stop jumping or you'll have to sit still with me so you don't hurt yourself.

Have you tried taking the time to explain real consequences, in a very calm/kind/rational manner? It worked perfectly with my child who is now a teenager & is wonderfully behaved.

Such as, if not brushing teeth, explain why it is important, describe what will happen to his teeth without brushing, all the future expensive painful & unattractive issues he will have?

jumping on the sofa, explainin the damage it will cause the actual sofa & that you’d have to spend your money on repairs/a new sofa instead of nice things for him/bday/xmas/treats?

and so on.. there are always real consequences for the things we ask them to do, it’s just explaining them in a way that they will understand & care about the consequences, without causing fear or using threats.

I’ve always done this with my daughter from a baby/toddler & she has always been very bright, considerate, well rounded & happy.

As others have said, absolutely fine, but you MUST follow through. Kids need to learn that actions have consequences but they are just empty threats if you don’t follow through and they will soon get wise to it.

If it works then great, but there will more than likely come a day that he will turn round and challenge you and see what happens, it is really important on that day that you follow through with the consequence so he knows you mean it, otherwise it will stop working very quickly, these kids are smart and catch in very quickly.

One thing I would note is I personally never use going to bed as a threat/consequence as I don't ever want my child to consider going to bed with anything negative in case it causes issues further down the line, it's their safe space where they feel comfortable and like being and I value sleep, so want to keep it that way.

perfect approach. Rephrase ‘threat’ with ‘cause and effect’ - every action has a consequence, positive or negative. Make sure a few positive are thrown in too - ‘if you carry on using lovely manners, mummy will treat you to…’

Also ensure the consequence befits the behaviour - not too negative for a misdemeanour and not too ‘wow’ for standard expectations.

and always, always follow through. Stop and check yourself … I’m trained in this and still get it wrong in frustration but backtracking is the worst. ‘If you keep jumping on the sofa, we won’t go to nanny’s’ - are you really cancelling your babysitter to cancel your night out for out for example? Stop and think then a ‘if you keep jumping on the sofa, I’ll tell nanny that we eat no chocolate pudding’ maybe a more suitable option.

well done though, sounds like you’ve got this anyway and your child is listening and responding positively ❤️

I can't stand hearing children being threatened in the supermarket, on the bus etc. I prefer a nicer approach where you positively parent children. For example instead of saying "stop running or we're not going to nannas" Say "Can you show me how nicely you can walk next to me" If they cannot do as they are asked, then the response would be "I have asked you to walk nicely and now you will have to hold my hand and walk nicely" if they then refuse I'm afraid it's death grip time!
It's a slippery slope using threats as the one time you don't do as you say then you've lost the one thing you rely on.
It also encourages them to use threats with kids when they get to school...like "I'm not going to be your friend if you don't do dot dot dot"
I always think when I talked to my children, would I speak to a work colleague or husband like that? If the answers no then don't do it.

Yes it's fine as long as (a) you're prepared to follow through when he decides to test your resolve so don't threaten anything that you can't do and (b) you have other strategies as well because anything that's overused becomes less effective plus children develop in phases so it might not work so well a year later.
Other things you can do (depending on the exact situation) are:

• when / then. When you've brushed your teeth / Then we can go out. (Less nuclear than "if you don't brush you teeth we wont go out")
• countdowns like three more and stop - time to stop bouncing, three more jumps then stop and sit down - three - two - one - and sit. (Not so good for things that are really destructive!)
• positive instructions so instead of "stop X" just say "do Y" - sit down on the seat / take this in the other room / go bounce on the trampoline etc.
• count to three and consequence. My DC needed more time to take it in and the count helped. Be prepared to do the consequence if you get to three; state the consequence clearly; count slowly but steadily and don't drag the count out, no "two and a half", if you think they need longer count to 10 instead.

Threats need to be mixed in with plenty of neutral attention, some praise, some ignoring minor misbehaviour, and occasional rewards, or they stop working. If you're doing a lot of threatening and/or the threats stop working then check the balance and try some of the alternatives.

They have a choice. They either do what they are told or they don’t and have to face the consequences. Children need to learn rules and consequences otherwise they will find it very difficult to function as an adult.

I think it depends quite a bit on the wording and definitely be prepared for them to start ignoring you to see what happens. I try related consequences where possible, so if my daughter says she won’t brush her teeth I explain that we won’t be able to have any fruit or sweet things the next day if we don’t, not
as a punishment but because we need to brush our teeth to prevent decay caused by sweet foods. She knows why we brush our teeth so it works. Jumping on the sofa I would just say if she doesn’t stop then I will remove her from the sofa. If she was on the sofa watching television I would pause it and say it won’t be going back on until she stopped. If she just carried on and on then I would explain a more significant consequence but it’s usually not necessary. Agree that explaining helps but not when they are in the midst of the action. So i Would take her off the sofa and then explain when i have her attention the damage it causes and why we don’t do it. Sometimes they aren’t going to be able
or willing to obey so you need to know what you’re going to do then.