11 year old daughter out of control and getting abusive towards her own mum. Advice needed please.

[LonelyMummaBear]

Hi everyone,

I'm new to the site so I hope you can welcome me with opening arms?

I'm reaching out on this forum as a Single mother, in her 30's, doing it alone. Or well, it feels like. (No family support or Friends network)

• a little bit of a background;

My own mother passed away a few years ago, no living grandparents, my father has special needs and lives over 300 miles away. and I've got no siblings.

I'm really struggling (mentally) with my 11 year old daughter at the moment.
It's just the 2 of us with our little dog who lives in this family home.

Her hormones are changing, and recently started her period a couple months ago.
I understand many teens, if not all goes through the stage of having a form of backchat and an attitude.
but my daughter's attitude comes with pushing and shoving me, slamming doors into me as i walk away from her when she's towering over me (Yep, my 11 year old is already taller than me)

I feel she seems to get some form of sense that she may feel like she can overpower me & ignore my requests as a parent when I'm asking her to do something.
If she doesnt get an instant yes - to that she can do something, or get her way with something, she lashes out.
My daughters dad isn't willing to help support and says I've only got myself to blame for her ways. Ive reached out to family support services before, for which they came and paid my daughter a visit, but she refused to talk to them. So that case quickly got shut down.I've offered to pay for my girl to do boxing or a form of sport to release her anger but she doesn't want to go to any clubs.She goes on to say how much she hates living here because it's just me & her.that she would prefer it if she lived with her dad and his wife, with her daughter.But the thing is, before when I've asked her (in general conversation, when its not heated between us) my girl has said that she prefers it at this home because she feels she gets abit more freedom to socialise with her friends etc.I think it's just in heat of the moments that my girl just wants to escape and she's having a mentally tough time.But it's really impacting on my mental health aswell.I feel like I'm on breaking point as I just dont know how to fix this all, ... apart from getting into a relationship with someone whos got a child of their own - I feel like its the only way my girl will be happier within herself. I get it. I understand, because I feel so lonely too.. but getting into a new relationship and even finding a guy for myself at the moment, just isn't doable at the moment, i feel.My confidence just isnt there yet. I've got demons of my own i need to fight off, but I think it's having an impact on my girl.What would you do if you were in my situation?

so sorry you are experiencing this OP. How is she at school? she has expressed a wish to have a better and closer relationship with her dad and sister, could this be something to look at can they see each other more and have more contact?
When you were assessed were they able t put any therapy in place for her? can she access therapy via school? Can you arrange a private course of therapy for her.

there is a great book by Erica Konisar called chicken little the sky isn’t falling.she talks a lot about essentially a second toddlerhood during this age and how it’s a chance to reconnect with our children at this age.

hormones do whacky things at this age, so try not to take it personally.

much screen time and social media time is she getting? I’d limit or cut it off. Our 11 year old gets no social media and the occasional show or movie. And she doesn’t have a phone at all. I know being a single parent must make that tricky. I was a single parent when my girls were young and it was so hard.

How about your own behaviors around her? Make sure your modeling behaviors you want to see from her and call her up on things gently and jokingly when you see them. I’d set firm and loving boundaries, try spending more one on one just the two of you (no distractions on your part with screens either!), and know you’re doing the best you can. You are in the position of having to be both parents right now- mom and dad, and she would get things from him that you can’t give easily. but you can try.

hang in there. It’s tough going but you have what it takes