4 year old dd so afraid of failure - any suggestions?

[tortoiseSHELL]

My dd is a complete perfectionist - she is so afraid of getting things wrong that she won't try them. When she started school she wouldn't join in dancing because it was 'new' and she thought she might get it wrong. She does join in at school now, but at home she is just as bad as ever.

An example; she has just been prescribed glasses for being slightly long sighted. At the optometrist's appointment he asked if she could see something, she couldn't see it clearly so she burst into tears and hid under his desk because she thought it was 'bad' to get it 'wrong'.

I try and model 'getting things wrong' a lot, but I am actually as bad as she is. So it is entirely my fault that I have passed this on to her, but I'm aware of this and am trying to do the best I can to help her.

Any other suggestions of things I can try? I'm going to speak to her teacher as well to see if she has any suggestions. Thanks!

you have to chill out then. I speak as someone in your position - I'm a bit of a perfectionist and I guess I have projected that on to dd and in turn she is anxious about making a mistake - not to displease me - just to be wrong or reckless about something.

I think you have to lead by example as you say, do daft stuff and laugh it off, make a mess of a project but turn it into a creative, exciting event.

Set achievable tasks - play with stuff that you might think were for 'younger' children, eg toddler puzzles; give her a bit of responsibility at home eg setting out the cutlery at mealtimes.
As much positive reinforcement as you can.

Good luck

Can you make it a game - i.e. let's see who can get this the most wrong - so of she gets something REALLY wrong she wins, so it makes it into an achivement? Or take really tiny baby steps, so start doing something really easy to build up her confidence.

I would talk to the teacher; s/he will have some pointers for you, I'm sure. I think this is vv common esp for children starting school who are used to finding most things easy

dd had this a bit when she went into Recep: she used to get very dishearted at home, and stomp off in fury/disgust, when she was struggling with, say, some reading homework

her teacher's advice was to shift the language we used when dealing with mistakes (eg cut out references to 'mistakes' )

so we talked about 'practising' a lot: reassured her that everyone was learning and practising reading/dancing whatever, and when you practise things that are hard to start with get easier etc etc

she's over it now, mostly

Thanks - titchy that sounds a great idea - I will think on that.

She already does things like laying the table etc, but will try and think of other things she can do.

Part of the problem is she is a very 'high achiever' - she finds things like reading and writing very easy - is in the top group for everything at school (and at the top of the top group iyswim), despite being an August birthday, so she gets lots of 'praise' for how well she's doing in everything, and I think she doesn't like to 'not get that' in something. Does that make sense?

Talking about practising is a good idea as well - we are a 'muso' family, so music practice goes on a lot in our house so could use that as a starting point.

Any more ideas?

You could have been describing my DS4 (10yrs) in this thread!

He is the brightest lad but worries constantly about getting things and wrong and feeling foolish.

In last years SAT tests he got level 5 in all the literacy subjects and a 4A in Maths. His teacher was delighted and jokingly said 'thats my job secure for next year!!'

He is expected to get 5's right across the board in this years Yr 6 SAT tests. He is so tearful because - 'what if I get 4A again in Maths - I will feel so foolish!!'

We aren't pushy parents and I repeat over and over to him that I only expect him to try his best. He was born at the end of July so is one of the youngest also.

He also hates football because 'it's very boring and Im not good at it, they will all laugh at me.' He regularly gives his PE kit to friends who have forgotten theirs

Who would be a parent? Any good ideas for DS?

Stop all praise and feedback that depends on achievement which she could fail to achieve - and transfer it all to personality traits which are embedded in her and she'll never lose?

So out goes "aren't you a good dancer"; "can't you read well" and the like and in comes "lovely smile"; "best hugger in the family"; "kindest girl I know".

Could relieve some of the pressure she's putting on herself?

It's so hard isn't it shabster! I'm going to go and get dd now, and speak to her teacher while I'm there. SHe is getting glasses this week so I need to tell her that anyway, and will ask her what she thinks.

thats lovely gagarin and very wise

gagarin I totally agree, was about to suggest something similar - about praising her NOT for what she achieves

I think this is one of those things that is in the genes though so I really wouldn't blame yourself tortoise! My ds for instance is in the bottom groups for everything and yet his recent report was full of "is VERY pleased with his own progress" "wants to show the whole class what he has acheived in art" "seems delighted with his work"

I just think some have this perfecionist gene and some don't but I think you CAN improve things by praising her for herself rather than what she DOES

Good luck!