Does anyone else find this odd?

[talia101]

I have a 20year old daughter, we are close in some ways and not in others.
she is very affectionate towards people outside of the family, ie, aunties, neighbours and friends of the family, people she babysits for. so much so its almost babyish for her age. when she is upset she would sooner go and have a cuddle with someone else.
we are not affectionate towards each other and it would be strange if we were. is this my fault?

The lack of physical affection sounds like habit. Was she an affectionate child?

By "close in some ways" do you mean she talks to you about personal things that she wouldn't tell other family members?

you say your not affectionate towards each other so that speaks volumes she will not be comfortable being affectionate towards you as you clearly are not comfortable with it

so yes this would be why she is like that

my mum is affectionate and im comfortable being affectionate with her

my dad isnt although we get on well i would feel awkward being to affectionate to my dad as he would with me

Why is being affectionate "babyish" for her age?

TBH I think she finds it difficult to be demonstrate affection to you because she knows you are awkward about it

We have a great relationship as in, we can holiday together, go shopping and talk about some personal things but she wont talk about anything thats worrying her, or if she is upset. I understand she may find it easier talking to someone else but she seems to take it to the extreme, I mean there is a difference between a hug and clinging on basically. she makes herself look silly. we were affectioate when she was little, but probably not in her teenage years when she needed it.

Have you noticed a change recently? It may be that she's worried about something and needs extra reassurance - certainly don't tell her it looks silly! Maybe she's worried about leaving her teens and being'properly' grown-up?

Maybe as a teenager she was too busy being independent to want hugs and tell you her worries, then later realised that it was quite nice to be physically affectionate with family but found it hard to backpedal with you? Perhaps she felt that you wouldn't like it, and she didn't want to be rejected?

In any case it sounds like she's making up for it with other family members.

Do they mind?

may be in your mind it looks silly as you are uncomfortable with such affection and maybe she is lightly immature as didnt get much affection and seeks it from others

maybe you should overcome your hangups with affection and give her more

my dh is 50 and hugs his dad frequently- his dd is 78,yet as teen he and his dd werent 'huggy'.

dad not dd lol

Maybe she knows that you get upset for her if she tells you some of her worries. Like if she told you of a disagreement with a friend or something that upset her at work, she might feel she was upsetting you as you love her too much and would "feel" her pain.
Also the need to feel independent maybe just makes it easier to confide in people who aren't as close to her.

|I can remember being about 15 and it was 'in' at school to be overly demonstrative - hugs and kissess. Re the other stuff - physical intimacy does engender emotional intimacy so perhaps that's why you have neither despite getting on well - no harm in having a chat about it about sharing problems, but these things do take time.

she is a little immature for her age, and still very girly, but can be very grown up at times.
Her auntie doesnt appear to mind and nor do the friends of the family.
A lot of her "friends" are pretty much old enough to be her mum and seem to quite like taking her under their wing, they encourage her to give them hugs etc but often when its not needed. when she is upset it just seems a little over board and probably how a young child would react.

talia101, when she confided unpleasant things to you in the past, how did you react?

She may have picked up on previous vibes that she is overreacting or childish. A young girl (just out of teens) may be particularly sensitive of disapproval or being judged. I am not saying that you are this or that BTW. Just throwing out suggestions.

One of the reasons why I never confide in my mother is because she overreacts and then I have to end up reassuring her, when it is reassurance from her that I am looking for.

Does your dd confide in her father?

"we are not affectionate towards each other and it would be strange if we were."

Why do you feel it would be strange?

it would be strange because we have never really done it I suppose, we are not an affectionate family also she wouldnt want me to.

I just cant understand why she makes such a fuss with other people in a crisis.

talia101, some children are more affectionate than others, my dcs for one. They (1.6, 4.6) take every opportunity to be entwined with me and dh and compete with each other to get cuddles off us as well as cuddle each other. Dd is older and it is showing no signs of abating, if anything, getting more intense.

Fair enough you are not physically demonstrative as a family, but the innate need for affection does not go away just because you do not practise it at home.

It sounds like your dd craves it and is looking elsewhere for it.