please help - ds uncontrollable & I'm scared

[cariboo]

Ds(4.8) has some kind of behavioral problem - I don't know yet what it is exactly but at last we've been able to arrange treatment for him. He's become increasingly hyperactive and moody. This has been going on for about a year but things only started to deteriorate seriously in October & now suddenly he's getting worse. On Monday he was completely hyper, I couldn't reason with him at all, he was swearing, abusive, violent, constantly moving... I took him to his room where he started hitting himself & then banging his head against the bedframe repeatedly. Terrified, I called the doc who told me to take him straight to emergency. Ds was seen by a paediatrician, who then summoned a paedo-psychiatrist. She thought that it would be more traumatic for him to stay in hospital so we took him home for the night & then to see her again next morning. She asked dh & I tons of questions re ds from pregnancy onwards. We're to see her again in a few days. She didn't give us a diagnosis (I guess she couldn't, yet) but did say 'no drugs - he's too young'. Fine but how do I handle him when he becomes hyper & completely unreasonable? I'm almost frightened of him! Please help.

I'm sorry I have no experience of this but I'm sure someone will have advice to offer soon

Have also posted this on SN thread but not much response from there either. I guess this sort of extreme behavoir is quite rare.

Hi cariboo,

I've just discovered your post. I am a teacher, and have some experience of children with hyperactivity etc. I am no expert by any means, but I figured a small response was better than none.

Firstly, I'd say that your feelings re your son are completely understandable and perfectly normal. He is probably scared of himself, at the moment. I know it's really hard but you need to be patient and wait for a diagnosis. If it something like ADHD then there are a range of treatments, natural and medical, you can try. Don't be put off, though, if you get to the point where you feel drugs will make a difference- fight your corner as from what I understand the jury's still out on the age of the child/ appropriateness of medication. I have seen a child in yr 1 turned around by medication. Although I'm not trying to persuade you, of course, for some children/ families medication is definitely NOT the right option.

I think my best advice is that there will be no magic solution. You may need to settle in for the long haul, so get support and help. Try to build in rest times for you/ DH, your DS and DD. Is he at school yet? You could try talking to his teacher to see if they have any ideas or concerns themselves. You can get access to support through them as well, if so. Ask to see the SENCo.

A really good book is the latest Tanya Byron one- "Your Child, Your Way" it's called. There are ideas for every situation in there, and may give you some strategy ideas??

Not sure if that's at all helpful, cariboo. Sorry!

My instinct as a fellow mum, rather than a professional, is to give him a whole tonne of affection when he is calm, so he has enough to see him through the tough times- but I'm sure you're doing that anyway

I don't want to oversimplify this - it sounds awful and very scary for you, and I am sure it is very scary for him too.

Do you have anywhere safe that you can take him to play outside? I don't know if it would help in your situation, but my 2 dss (who didn't have behavioural problems, but were very active) were much more manageable and calmer when they were able to let off steam out of doors for as much of the day as possible.

Please don't think I am belittling your situation at all - I am just trying to offer a suggestion that might help your ds to work off some frustration and see if it makes things a bit easier.

I am guessing you have already done the diet and sleep diary stuff?

The other thing worth doing, if you haven't already, is to remove everything hard or sharp from his room and try to make it as safe as possible, so that if he does throw himself around he is less likely to injure himself. (I am sure you have already done this).

So sorry you are going through this - I hope you get some help soon.

Sorry you are all going through this - it must be very worrying.

DS2 has similar behavioural issues at a similar age. They coincided with him starting pre-school, but worsened when he started at school full time.

He was actually diagnosed with autism initially, because his behaviours were very similar, and were so extreme.

It turned out that he had undiagnosed food allergies. And was unable to cope with school on a full-time basis.

He was prone to violent outbursts, it was impossible to reason with him, he would self-harm.

It was a very dark time for us all as a family.

I would advise you to examine your DS' diet very, very carefully.

We removed wheat and dairy from his diet, and the change was incredible.

We also reduced his school hours to just mornings, to enable him to cope better.

We waited ages to see an NHS dietician, but she was as useful as a chocolate teapot.

Push for an appointment with a consultant paediatrician asap.

Maybe google the GFCF diet for more info.

How does he cope in school?

No experience about this either, but I have a friend who has had advice on changing her DS's diet. It helped greatly with my friend's son but obviously doesn't solve the problem completely. He now eats very little sugar and no artificial sweetener at all and she is trying on a no wheat no dairy diet and it is helping but it's difficult to keep up with. WHere as a dietician, if you can afford it you can go private.

Glad for any replies - thanks! Please keep bumping for me as am going into hospital tomorrow for a small op - nothing serious but will be in for at least 3 days.

All the best for your op.
Will keep this bumped.

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I have to say that my ds was prone to throw himself into very violent rages at around this age. I never have got to the bottom of it, and for while blamed the fact that I spent alot of time in hospital and then a year in a wheelchair from him being about 3 and a quarter, so he didn't have the mummy he needed .

Rationally tho' I don't think that was all of it, he is very 'passionate' and I think his emotions overflowed well beyond his control. He got into bother at school for causing trouble, sometimes attempting to hurt other children. One day (he was 6) I had to go and get him out from under a desk for them (cos they are not allowed to handle the children )and bring him home, because he was in such a state of upset and anger. We never quite understood what set that one off.

I did stop all artificial sweetners, and aspartame now never touches his lips (nor ours). As he has grown up (now 8) he is calming, and such outbursts are very few and far between. He no longer throws things at us, but does direct his anger on himself, calling himself stupid, hitting himself on the head when we talk about the outburst afterwards.
I did learn that it is very important to be as calm as you can in the face of his anger. Don't shout back, it fuels the fire, and try not to physically restrain him if you can, as that frustrates him too, and makes you feel all the worse while you are fighting with him. You may get hurt too, which makes it harder to keep your own temper.

We would remove ds to his own room (quite a struggle), and I would shut him in when he was really in a strop. I had a lock put on the outside of the door. I know that sounds awful, but if I didn;'t lock him in he would follow me aroud the house, keeping up the tirade. Once shut in alone, he would start to calm down, and after a little while I could go into him, and give him what he needed, a strong cuddle (like swaddling a baby), and rocking until he was calm and cooler.

It was dreadful. School described him as emotionally immature, unable to deal with his feelings, which is difficult for us to handle as he is very bright, and intellectually advanced. From being 5 could hold quite adult conversations.
He's physically advanced too (a big boy for his age), and I believe that all his developmental energy went into his physical growth, and his intellectual growth, which left him no resources for his emotional growth.
I think he's catching up now, and we haven't had a major outburst for weeks.

Thanks so much! Just read these posts out to dh & we both feel more confident. Please keep writing - it's very encouraging for us.

I was diagnosed with ADHD last year, which is incredible since I'm 45. Apparently there's a 25% chance of passing ADHD on genetically. I've been on Ritalin since October & am delighted yet horrified by how much difference a drug can make overall to my well-being without any extreme changes to my personality or physical side-effects. Quite simply, I can now cope more often than not & mood swings are a thing of the past. I don't want to have to medicate ds & so am trying all the positive & sensible techniques I've been told of or have read about. Being calm but firm helps enormously - shouting & screaming at ds are NOT an option - & if my being on Ritalin enables me to help him so he doesn't have to be on it, so much the better.

oh Cariboo, that does sound frightening. I am far from an expert but my sister is an LD nurse and says often behaviour that appears extreme to the outside world is because someone is in physical pain or overwhelmed by their emotions or sensory overload.

Hope you can get some help for your ds - make sure they exclude physical pain as it's often overlooked, apparently, as a cause of behaviour once people are labelled with LD.