Almost 4 year old's behaviour (is this normal?)

[OneButterfly]

Hi everyone,

Would love insight from others on what DH and I are currently experiencing with our DD (currently 3 years and 10 months old). Apologies in advance for the rambling post!

DD is a lovely well mannered girl in general, but we have a specific set of challenges which have reared their heads in the last couple of months:

1. Getting her to listen to instructions is becoming increasingly difficult (nothing complicated, just the everyday normal things like washing hands after going to the toilet, allowing us to help get her changed before pre-school etc.).

It's pot luck at the moment- sometimes she will play ball of her own accord but other times (increasingly of late) no matter how much we try to explain why we need to do these things, it's a real struggle and she is extremely stubborn/defiant when she doesn't want to do something (her speech and understanding is very good so we are pretty confident that is not the root of the issue).

2. Meal times are also becoming particularly difficult- we made a conscious decision to sit around the dining table as a family for lunches/dinners when we're all home and to have as few distractions as possible (no screens/devices etc.) but she refuses to stay put (even for a few minutes) to eat her food- she's constantly getting off her chair to toddle off so we're constantly having to repeat the same request again and again.

With regards to the above issues we've tried positive reinforcement/praising and rewarding good behaviours and presenting options/getting her input so she feels like she has a say but the constant grind of dealing with these behaviours and the stubbornness of late is really getting to us. On occasions (and out of tiredness/sheer desperation) we've resorted to threatening to take away toys/actually taking away toys etc. if she doesn't play ball but we don't really want to resort to getting annoyed/angry with her if we can avoid it and it also isn't particularly effective.

To add to our confusion, all of the feedback we're getting from DD's pre-school is that she is able to sit and effectively participate in activities which require her to pay attention etc. and she will sit and have lunch with her peers (although the amount she eats at nursery is a bit hit and miss) so it appears to mostly be this way at home.

DH and I realise toddlers are complex beings and there will inevitably be challenges/irrational behaviour/stubbornness but this has gone on for several months now so we're really concerned about how to address this pattern of behaviour. Part of me feels that (for the meal time challenges) we should just make clear that food will be on the table for 10-15 minutes and if she doesn't eat it, she will have to go hungry until the next meal time. Although this feels harsh, if it means she's more likely to play ball at future meal times we're willing to give it a go vs our current approach of repeatedly getting her to sit down and eat in dribs and drabs- interested in anyone else's experiences with similar challenges!

Thank you!

What does she sit in to watch her meals? I'd be tempted to get something like this.

I don't think taking toys is the way to go but definitely do clear away when everyone else has finished eating and refuse snacks. She probably won't like it but she will probably realise after a few days that you mean business.

@CadyEastman she is fairly tall for her age so usually just sits on one of our dining chairs, on top of a cushion. Thanks I will look into this but I do have doubts she will want to be strapped in as she doesn't seem to want to sit in one place for her meals for any meaningful amount of time (5 minutes, at best).

Agree with your suggestion, it feels to us that is the only meaningful way now to make her understand that if she doesn't eat, the food will be taken away and hopefully she will then fall into line. Will try this and report back!

Bit of a late reply, but meal times, yes, I would absolutely go with food is available for a set amount of time, and then it goes away. Or even that getting down from the table and walking off means she's done eating, her food goes away (unless she needs the loo or something like that!). If she's then hungry and you don't want to make her wait all the way until the next meal, you could offer something fairly dull – plain buttered toast, porridge, a glass of milk and a banana, something like that. Something they don't mind eating and will fill them up, but will get boring quickly (assuming they aren't a child that would happily have plain toast for every meal).

Following instructions, yes, absolutely, I'd use choices, I'd use being a bit silly whilst you're doing it, I'd sympathise with not wanting to do it – but if none of those work, then I'd be looking for a linked consequence. You don't want to wash your hands after using the toilet – that's important for our health, so you can't leave the bathroom until you do. I'd stay with her, I'd help her wash her hands if she wanted, but we'd stay until it happened. Getting dressed for preschool, simply saying okay, if you won't choose your clothes, mummy will choose for you (consequence is loss of choice) may be enough. Or you may need to tweak the routine a bit to help you – get dressed without fuss, we'll have enough time to colour/read a story/stop and look at the ducks on the way. Mess about, sorry, not enough time today because it took so long to get dressed, but we'll try again tomorrow.

@skkyelark thanks for your message, some really helpful advice which we will definitely take on board! I really like the idea of the more instant reward i.e. get dressed so that will leave time for an activity before pre-school vs a promise of something later in the day.

Thankfully things have improved over the last couple of weeks (when we've had good weather we've been sitting outside to eat and using playtime in the garden as an incentive so that's helped). Fingers crossed it will continue that way!