20mths - too old for separation anxiety? Or does she just hate DH?? (long, sorry)

[caspercat]

Please, any help or just sympathy really needed at the mo. DD always been 'spirited' , but so far i think we've handled her well, and she's been thriving, really happy & brilliant with DH. But last 2 evenings it's like she's a different child. The minute i leave the room (and i always tell her where i'm going, and ask her if she'll be a good girl & wait nicely - had just started understanding this, nodding, saying 'yes' & waiting nicely) she starts having a meltdown. DH can't comfort her, & when i get back takes her ages to calm down. she cried the minute she saw DH this eve. Normal routine is DH baths her while i tidy up etc, then we both read her a story & put her to bed. She loves her baths normally - yesterday, the minute i got up to sort out her bedclothes she had another meltdown, and screamed to get out of the bath. When i got back, i had to get her out. Tonight, at teatime, she screamed the minute DH sat next to her, started hitting out at him, and carried on till i took her out of her chair ( i don't want mealtimes to be battles).
Don't know what to do tonight, DH said he wants to carry on as usual, but am worried she'll go to bed in a tantrum, and she's usually brilliant at going to bed.
I don't think it's normal tantrums, we're used to those, and are dealing with them slowly (i.e, never giving in to the screaming, just try to divert attention etc)
Sorry for long post, just don't know what to do with her - our lovely evenings altogether seem a distant memory already. Is this yet another phase that will pass???
Thanks again for listening, i feel better for venting already xxxx

Poor you, do you think she might be teething, or coming down with something? My DS always starts doing strange things, we start wondering whats going on, then the next day or so another tooth appears, or a cold etc! Or perhaps DH did something that scared her, DS has started to become scared of strange things which didn't used to bother him (eg toy ladybird at playgroup this morning and big cuddly scooby doo!!), maybe he was playing around and scared her with something?

Hi sm, thanks for your reply. She could be teething, or just shattered i guess, but it's just the not liking daddy bit that's getting to me, tantrums i can handle. I can see why you'd think she might be scared of something he's done, but we've both wracked our brains and can't pinpoint anything. At least she went to bed without a struggle. Thanks for your thoughts, they really help xx

Toddlers can be fickle and they are testing out boundaries and attachments. We've had a lot of similar behaviour from our DS although, poor me, I have been the "baddie" - sat and sun only. We decided the best way to deal with it was to be firm but reassuring. So if DS is screaming "no no no" pushing me away, or runs to DH then he will say "Mummy is dealing with you, hold mummy's hand" or whatever it might be. We are trying to be really consistent with it. And, touch wood, the last few weekends it's been better. He still tries to play us off against each other but he knows we stand united - the wind has gone from his sails in his attempts to go to the favoured parent as he knows they will agree with the one he has run from. So instead of you getting her out of the highchair you say "no, daddy loves you and is sitting there, and mummy is sitting here, now let's all eat dinner". etc. Can you try that?

Could it just be one of those strange things that childen do sometimes? I remember my dd suddenly being terrified of my mum even tho' we saw her frequently and no probs up until then. Eventually we put it down to the fact that my mum has glasses, but were never really sure and dd soon got over it. I know its upsetting to experience, but hopefully you'll find its just a short phase.

That all makes a lot of sense Weegle. The food thing is difficult, cos we're rarely al home in time to have dinner together. Tonight was DH's one early finish of the week, and DD just has something small like toast, as has main meal at nursery, and DH & i eat later. We do try to eat together at least 3 times a week cos i know how important that it. I think it just got a bit too past it tonight, there was no way she was going to eat anything, and i'm not going to force her, i (& she) just wanted a cuddle to calm her down, the food bit was irrelevant. She did actually eat a little bit later on, at her table in her play room, after she calmed down. Will try your advice next time, if i can get to it before meltdown xxx

no DH so no comparison but 20 months certianly not too old for separation anxiety. DS still has occassional bouts of separation anxiety at 2.4yrs

Thanks all. Well DH wanted to do bathtime routine last night, and all went smoothly. I stayed away, i think if she'd seen me, it might have been different (that's what happened the night before). This morning dh got her up & fed her etc, all went well again. She seemed in a better mood. We'll see what she's like after i pick her up from nursery later xxx

excellent - let's just hope it's a passing blip!

She was perfect tonight. Contrary things, aren't they?

can anyone help me aswell? DS 19 months exactly same behaviour but with him its everyone he sees on a daily basis, ie my mum and dad, its very hurtfull and embarrassing that no he doens't appear to want to know anyone he was close to all this time. Started 1 week ago, is there something wrong with him? and when i say everyone, i include myself in that, when DH is here he almost seems to hate me. I feel sad tonight so please advise gently!! sorry to steal thread

bekkaboo, my ds is 20 months, my dh is away for months and last week he was home ds only wanted daddy so I know how you feel. Also if his grandad comes over he is the same. I think they can be very fickle at this stage and I wouldn't take it personally.

thanks yogimum bt do you think strange that up until last week he was fine with everyone around him and now everyone is wrong! always loved his nan and gramps now does't want them here, does sort of settle down after half hour but is genuinely upset, could he be just pushing boundaries to show whos boss and for reaction??

My ds has to hold my hand when he is going to sleep now. I'm sure its just a stage they are going through. And when we go to the park I have to hold his hand when he goes down the slide when he has always been able to go by himself.

god didnt realise then you had kids you would spend half time worrying and the other half analysing their behaviour! I think I might have to much time on hands thinking!