My rant about why being a mother is so hard (LONG and no I'm not sorry!!!!)

[ranta]

Before I begin, let me just say I LOVE my DS. He is the absolute light of my life and I would not change one second of his short-so-far life for anything.

But, here goes...

I used to be good at stuff. Now, I'm just plain knackered. I drop stuff, forget things, am always late, bugger up perfectly good arrangements. Some days I forget to brush my teeth/ eat/ wash. I haven't slept for more than an hour in 5 days and my boy seems to have forgotten the difference between feeding and sleeping. At 6mo, he has gone back to the kind of crying he was doing at 6 weeks. Loud and hysterical! I thought we'd reached an understanding! I thought (naively) things might get easier when he could sit up and entertain himself a bit but now all he wants to do is crawl, stand or climb and can't do these things unaided so I need to be there to prevent him crashing headlong into the floor. I am so proud of each of his achievements, and his two teeth which took 3 noisy months to arrive, but is this what it's like- one thing after the next??!!! I know the answer as I write the question- yes it is.

When people ask me how I am, all I can think of is 'tired' and yet that doesn't even begin to describe the wealth and depth of emotions I feel on a daily basis. I can't be bothered to see people. I do, but only coz if I don't I know I'll go mad, not because I actually want to. I put on an outfit I think is clean and step out of the front door to discover it's covered in puke/ dribble/ wee/ all 3. My house is always a tip and this really bothers me even though I have never been particularly neurotic about tidiness.

I love my friends but many of them don't have children and ask me when I'm going to be able to go and get p**ed again. Drink? Are they mad?! I wouldn't stay awake past the first glass. Other friends, feel sympathy and try to help, offer advice about weaning/ sleeping etc etc. I don't want to give him a dummy, I don't want to leave him to cry and I don't want to puree food. None of this makes me a bad mother and nor do I think they are bad for doing these things. It's just not my way.

What is my way? I don't know, my intuition and common sense finally gave up the ghost about 3 months ago- they've gone off on holiday together to Spain and plan to come back when it's a bit more worth their while, I think.

I have a friend who is having to go through IVF to get pregnant and I FEEEEEL for her so badly, I am very lucky to have my boy, she would make a wonderful mum and I hope with all my heart that her cycle is successful. But that doesn't mean being a mum is EASY and I shouldn't moan sometimes.

In fact I think that may be my problem, I love my DS so much that I have been trying not to moan, don't want to seem ungrateful, don't want it to be the case that the one being I love more than any other be the cause of me being a moany old cow.

I am usually a cheerful optimistic person, much to everyone else's annoyance! WHERE DID I GO????

Ok, that's me done. Thanks for listening, if you managed to get to the end without rolling your eyes and giving up.

I'm off to change my mumsnet name now, so no one'll know this was me.

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1. The first year is really, really hard and you are doing a greta job just getting through.

1. Make it as easy on yourself as you can. Cleaner? Babysitter? Friends/family nearby? Even (dizzy heights) weekend off?

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My thoughts exactly too... I don't know what has happened to me - I'm at home with my dd 6 days a week (work one day) yet still I feel I never have time to do anything (can imagine army of people who work longer hours thinking 'how rediculous!). I make arrangements to see people then feel 'trapped' by the arrangement - having to get dd fed, watered, nappy-changed, napped etc in time to meet said friend... always feel I am rushing, and never understand when normal people get their supermarket shopping done, or fit cooking in with getting lo bathed and to bed by set time every night. I make a weekly shopping list, yet still forget a million things from it and end up going almost every day to the supermarket. Can't do online shopping as on v. limited budget. Dd is now 16 months and me and dh have been out on our own twice only since she was born (family live locally but don't like to put themselves out much!). I feel tired all the time, and don't really understand it because dd does sleep reasonably well (now) - it must have been the first 9 months of constant waking that means I have about that much sleep to catch up on. Am still bf so maybe that makes me tired... but all in all I just feel that everything is an effort, and I'm working my butt off all the time just to stand still, not to actually move forwards. Go round in circles trying to clean our tiny house all day, battle of wills all the time with dd who is increasingly independent and whom I love more than anything. She is the light of my life, but somewhere along the way I turned from competent, organised, on time and 'together' woman to harrassed, beleaguered (can't even spell any more!) anxious with no sense of humour mummy. HELP!! You are not alone...

It is the hardest job in the world. But the rewards are many. I felt it the hardest with my ds for about his first 6-8 months of life as I felt I was mourning my old life that I had lost.

ok, hope this makes you feel better....

me, i was 33 when i had my ds. Had 2 mc before we got him, so precious he is to us and we adore him.

however, there were frequently times when i would make my bed at 7am and cry because i knew that i wouldnt be getting back into it for 24 hour or so, even then i would only be able to have and hour before getting up to him again.
i wanted to get into my car and drive away, to the beach, curl up in my car and sleep for ever.
but then i wanted/needed to be with my boy, nothing would drag me away from him.
no help, no offers, no one to ask things....except on here.

he eventually slept through the night at about 3.5 years old.
once a week, then twice then maybe 3 times a week.
then play school started, and he slept a bit more.

Now maybe once a week he gets up in the night. he is nearly 5.
it does get better.
turned out i had post natal depression. got ads and felt back to me, much better.
chronic exhaustion takes it toll.

I am a professional by trade, worked full time and was very organised and together. the birth of ds i was professionally derailed.
got to morrisons with my slippers on one day, forget where im going and why im there,
live by lists, have lists for every thing and cross stuff off as im going along other wise nothing gets done.

trying for number 2 with the full and recent knowledge of what this entails, cant help it, i need to have a second child for ds and for us.
at 37, ive not got the energy nor reserve of when i was 33 and a first time mum, im told that you never have 2 the same, so i have put an order in for one of those babies that you hear about that sleep through the night at 3 weeks old, who eat and sleep and who you dont know that you have........fingers crossed.

Hey hon. It gets better. Bit by bit and sometimes it's two steps forward and one step backbut my dds are 4 and 18 months now and and am getting back to being me. Which isn't to say that bits are gone for ever, the clean clothes issue is a problem, clumsy, dropping, forgetting, bad temper etc etc. But hang on in there, if only because there is no alternative. As Winston Churchill said. 'When you are going through hell, keep going'.

Thanks peeps- that Winston was a wise chap, for someone who looked just like a bulldog!

Starlight- there is a DP who is extremely supportive and does what he can, but for a range of reasons is currently working 7 til 7. This is going to change asap, but these are never simple are they?

My mum comes 1 day a week from dawn til dusk and is a superstar.

I am lucky to have a load of emotional support, but nothing ever seems to be enough to make it ok?? This from an extremely independent person! Normally I don't DO accepting help!

justaboutasleep- I know my friends speak with the BEST of intentions, bless 'em, and it does help. I'd probably be upset if they didn't ask, that's the irony!

The very best and hardest of times.

Good to hear some fellow ranters, and to know I'm not alone! There should be a rant topic on here!

Good luck, donbean x

Oh Ranta, I really felt for you reading your OP.

I haven't got anything new to add to what's been said before really, but just wanted to second what other people have said: it DOES GET BETTER! So don't get into a spiral of despair to go with the tiredness, which I'm afraid is unavoidable for the first year of any child's life. Parenting a new baby is really, really tough and nobody can prepare you for it. But the first 6 months is the worst.

It is very important to carve out a little bit of time that's just for you, whether that's to read a book, go to the gym or whatever makes you feel more like the real you and not just a mummy covered in poo. Can you do this at all at weekends?

Ranta - I feel so much better for reading your post. Not because I can see there is someone having a hard time and feeling as though they can't cope but because there is someone feeling exactly as I do and can put it so much more eloquently that I could right now.

It does get better - honestly. There are just ups and downs, as they get older there are far more ups than downs though and I think that is because you generally get more chance to get some uniterrupted sleep, they get ill less and teeth less and are more independant and less frustrated.

Ranta - your OP is really eloquent, I do understand what you are saying. I'm past the baby stage and my challenges are different.

WHENEVER you can nap, nap. Forget the to do list - if you get a chance to nap, take it.
ANY household help you can get, get it.

You are 100% all he needs at this stage, but how on earth could he be 100% what you need - it's impossible. No wonder you feel you are going mad.

Babies are often best when there's lots going on around them; other people, sights and sounds, the natural world.

Subsequent babies tend to be easier because you are not the sole source of stimulation.

I always found (barring the necessary naps) that being out of the house was best, for my mental health and for their contentment.

I really do think that you are in the hardest phase of parenthood.

Oh God, I feel exactly the same. DS is 7 months and I still feel knackered even though he sleeps really well (usually!)

My house is a state, my hair is greasy, the dog hasn't been walked. Everything is still a muddle!

I sympathise, dh works 7-7 too and it's the lack of adult converation and company that kills me. I haven't even stepped outside the house today and I probably won't tomorrow! I need to get out more!

Apparently it gets easier. I'm still waiting!

Good thing is, I wouldn't go back to my old life, dispite missing the lie ins and the nights out. DS is amazing (but difficult!) and I love him more than anything. Probably why I feel guilty for feeling knackered and crap sometimes!

I do feel for you too. Parenthood is very bewildering, especially first time round. My second is 6 months and hasnt slept through and I am soo tired now. But experience has given me the reassurance it DOES GET EASIER! There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Mind you if you read any of my posts on AIBU you may think differntly!

Be kind to yourself - you are doing the best you can which is great x

i would have written that had i been able when i had ds four years ago.

it does does does get easier...i swear....teh whole game changed when ds was about 24 months

in the meantime

get people to come to you.. on your terms...in spite of your unkempt house

lower your standards

its really hard being the first of your friends to have kids...my sis had that and none of her friends (undersatndably) had a clue!
x

you are not alone - my DD is 2.5, and i have been tired since.....well, since she was born!! I had my DD1 at 19 and i don't remember it being like this , im 37 now. And I am just so tired!!!!! I wanted to post to say, it does get better and yes you are right, you get over one hurdle and along comes the next, but you do get over them, in your own way. Im not having any more children!!!

I just felt i needed to comment on something you said. I too love my daugther (both of them) to distraction, she is my reason for living and i adore her. But sometimes i think, blimey, she is the reason i look like i do (like shit), feel like i do (tired and PND), am broke to the point of almost no return, did i mention tired. But i don't look at her with anything other than love. Because she is so funny, so loving (when she is not pulling my hair out by the root for reading her story wrong! thats what she did tonight - oh yes, the world of tantrum awaits you like the sword of damocles) so intelligent (i know she is only 2!) and just so fecking beautiful that it brings tears to my eyes just to look at her. I think what i am trying to say is - you are normal - we all feel like this some days

Hello and thanks to you all for replying, sorry it?s taken me so long to respond- I hope you?re still checking in to read this!

happynappies- I meant to say before, I know EXACTLY what you?re saying about arrangements, the sensation of being trapped by them. And then so exhausted when they?re all done!

lucyellensmum- tantrumland sounds divine! Hope I?m getting a bit more sleep by then to compensate!

beansontoast- I can?t remember what my standards are in order to lower them! Ha!!!

Boobalina- I think you are right about DC1. Not only are you doing everything for the first time, but it?s pretty intense it just being the 2 of us. Having said that, I do love the ?me and my boy? aspect of it.. I do get out and see people whenever I can, to dilute us if nothing else, but there?s still only 2 at the end of the day and in all the quiet bits inbetween.

I reck you?re right, Starlight, about people in supermarkets looking amazing but working SO hard to get there. We?re all like swans? looking so graceful on top, but paddling like mad below the surface. Ok, I?m not saying I look exactly like a swan, but you get my drift.

It is the fact we all feel EXACTLY like this that makes me wonder WTF people mean when they say, "motherhood suits you". But I'll save that for a rant of my own one day

ranta what an amazing post for someone who is so knackered.

So many of us here have been exactly where you are. There were plenty of days I dared not get in the car as I felt drunk with fatigue.

As others have said before, it does get better.

On particularly rough days I would just do an hour at a time, all I had to do was get me and the DC through to when the big hand was pointing up again.

An hour, a morning, a day, a week at a time.

It does get better.

I've gone back to (very) full time work and am no more tired I think working till midnight sometimes (having started at 8) than looking after the baby all day. Although if there is waking up in the night as well as me working till midnght its a killer. I am firmly of the belief that being a mum is the hardest job anyone could ever do. I had heard it before and I thought - ok whatever, people saying that have not done my job, where all-nights are common and you lose your weekend at the ping of an email. But tis true. Its the most knackering job in the world, it is so full on, it is 24 hours a day and it is bloody lonely and a lot of times unrewarding on a daily basis.

LOL PHDlife! SO true!!!