5 year old a grump after new baby's arrival

[SometimesIDowonder]

My 5 year old is a lovely person. He has been very sweet about the arrival of his little brother and very affectionate.

At the same time I'm having 1-2 arguments a day. He's used to having most things done for him or his way. But we as parents can't be everywhere. We're asking him to do things himself that I think he should be doing anyway and can do. Like get your shoes, put them on please whilst I pack x. Or getting self dressed. He's generally responded well and helps with cooking so in one respect its going well.

But there's always something each day that causes a big strop. It might be that he can't do something I've asked or he wants me to join in an activity I can't. I'm kind about it at first but he then gets angry and slams things etc and then I yell and feel bad.

Also I've noticed more recently he's sometimes deliberately not doing what I say like he used to.

He never used to slam things, shout etc.. but then maybe that's because we were doing what he wanted or maybe its an age thing, he's also tired or something we're doing.

Any tips?

How old is baby? Are you having any 1-1 time with DS away from the baby?
My 3 year old was exactly the same. Hes normally so sweet and well behaved, but after my daughter was born he started having regular meltdowns and being more challenging and defiant. I was distraught and thought I'd never get my sweet boy back! It took about 2-3 months but once he adjusted he was back to his lovely self again. And things have continued to improve as DD has gotten older and a little more independent, ie. able to play on the floor or sit in her jumperoo while I do something with DS. Shes now 10 months and DS is wonderful again. Obviously has his moments like any 4 year old! I think he just struggled to process things and needed time to adjust. Hes such a mummys boy aswell so it was difficult for him not having all my attention anymore. Particularly as I was nursing baby so often in the early days so quite restricted. Its so hard to remain patient and calm when you're exhausted with a new baby. Give it time ❤️

I would say he is missing havig you to himself. My LB used to wet himself on purpose as he knew I had to deal with him. He wad 2 when his sister was born but had been mostly dry. He used to do it in frustration. Kids as young as 5 don't know or have trouble saying I'm jealous, so they make a fuss the way they think will get attention. Doesn't have to be positive attention.

My daughter was almost 5 when our second was born. After so long of being an only child she found the transition hard and seemed to regress in terms of independence - wouldn’t get dressed or put her shoes on even though she could, stuff like that. We eventually got through it, both DH and I made time for 1:1 time with her, we made sure it wasn’t always me with baby and daddy looking after her. I remember it was hard though and I had terrible guilt

Lots of spontaneous hugs and cuddles and praise for being the "best boy" when he does something right and even when he's not done anything at all. Also doesn't hurt to leave baby for an extra 5s. In hindsight, perhaps pushing a bit more independence on him and not running after him quite so much MIGHT have helped but its too late for that so focus on the praise and reassurance for being "Mummy's big boy/helper" and he'll soon settle. Remember to also promote independence in your younger child at the right time or you'll be running around getting their shoes etc until they leave home!

sounds like the case of he thinks any attention is good attention. Also, if he’s been used to you doing everything & now baby is here of course he’s going to resist. It’s also totally normal behaviour for that sort of age.

Each you and your partner spend some time with just him without baby.

compromise, I’ll do this shoe you do the next for example. Also lots of praise for anything remotely good he does then maybe he won’t want any attention good or bad x good luck

My nearly 5 can be tired and pushes boundaries- he’s seen the behaviour from someone else at school- jealousy too. Agree 1 on 1 ime and don’t push the baby on him

My eldest was only 2, so we were worried there could be a bit of jealousy that would cause similar behaviour. We've been pretty lucky though other than when she was really tired then she has had the odd cry, but only a handful of times in 5 months.
I think what helped us the most was that if the baby wasn't actually crying I would make a big deal of telling the baby that she would need to wait while I did something with her big sister, so that she didn't always feel like it was her not getting the attention.

I think this sounds very normal to be honest. I'm expecting my second in June and have a 5 year old. Despite her being very excited about the idea of a baby I'm very much expecting behavioural changes in her.
It's a huge transition for them. They've been an only child their whole life and they are too young to fully understand what having a baby in the house means for them.
I'm sure I read somewhere that children often regress as they see you doing everything for the baby and think "oh well that gets attention". So mimic dependence more to get their cup filled.
I can only imagine how exhausted and dysregulated you must feel - but I'm sure it's just an adjustment and you'll get your lovely little bit back.
I agree with other posts that carving out some 1 to 1 time each day (only has to be 15 minutes) could help too.
Sorry you're going through this and good luck.

I’m really sorry to say it gets no better! My now 8 year old was 3 when his baby brother arrived and that’s when his behaviour changed. He would no longer listen to us, he was always so well behaved but it changed when his baby brother arrived and still happens now. The little one is well behaved and we never treat them any differently but the oldest definitely plays the ‘any attention is better than no attention’ card so plays up regularly so our attention is on him even if it is negative attention. It’s been the same since his baby brother got home! I look back on pictures before his brother came along and remember how chilled and easy going he used to be and I remember him changing like it was yesterday. It must be hard for them being the only one and then someone else coming along getting all the attention.

The only thing I can suggest is regular time just you and him, even if its a walk to the park just the two of you or even colouring around the table or baking when baby naps, show him you can still have you and him time now baby is here and nothing’s changed between you and him.

Good luck mumma, you got this!

I think the biggest thing to remember in all this is this is THE biggest thing that has ever happened in his little life and he's just trying to get attention.

My biggest advice would try stay calm and don't act on his behaviour and just give him time.

Totally normal behaviour. Agree with PP saying be sure to carve out special time that is just you and him - even if baby cries for a few minutes with your DH it's not the end of the world. You can say "baby will have to wait a minute, I'm doing this with you at the moment". All of a sudden he has gone from being the centre of your world to having his needs come second all the time. He is old enough that you can put words to that for him and discuss how hard it is, but that it won't be so hard forever.

I had a 4.5 year old and a new baby. The older one called the baby ' that guy in the pram that cries' anyway, thry do groe out of it, but recommend keeping some special outings and alone times with parents just for him. We have daddy days, where he goes out with just dad for example and does something more grown up. It helped us to give him some special privilages that the older one gets, but to explain they come with responsibility too. So, you go to bed later, you get to help cook, you get a trip to the corner shop to pick some snacks for ua, but tou also need to ahow you are the bigger boy by helping us by putting your own shoes on for example. Explaining how important an older brother is to the family as a whole etc. We still have sibling rivalry 5 years on but they do get on really well generally.

You got this.

stand firm on the things. It’s an age thing and you have to keep firm.

all the things you know he can do please continue expecting. Anything new do with him a few times, actively observe a few, then encourage, then expect.

the better you keep this note the less trying the next years will be!

good luck.

Thanks. This really resonates. He's like sigh, why is he crying so much? I think there's a feeling like oh crying seems to get attention round here. I'm trying to acknowledge it without making a thing of poor baby crying.

4 months old. We do have a bit of one to one time where OH is holding baby or baby is the sort that can do his own thing for 10 mins just kicking his legs - at times. Or I try to do something together like let's sing a song, just 5 mins. Or I just hold the baby whilst half supervising DC1.

It's tough though as I'm trying to get a nap in, feed baby, housework - also DH does it, etc.. he doesn't play independently for more than 5 mins. We tried encouraging it, but he's very sociable and frankly just hasn't had to before as DH would be happy to play with him if I didn't.

Thanks we haven't really discussed it. He has said like... its not the same is it. And I said no it isn't. But yes I didn't really know what to say. He also said it must be hard looking after a baby. I haven't dismissed his views like when he said the baby is crying and I don't like it, I said yes I can understand that. And I've said it's not easy being a big brother and you're doing well.

I could probably ask him something more
... not sure exactly.

I think he is trying to control things not just attention seeking like acting up as he seems obsessed with us doing seemingly arbitrary things just saying you need to do what I want. Eventually he calmed down we explained why not and gave him a hug but it did go on a while. Maybe that's just a 5 year old thing though not sure.

Thanks everyone. Lots of really useful advice and support here. It's a bit better or at least not worse the past couple of days. I read siblings without rivalry and got some ideas. It reminds you that even if you think you're not putting them in competition with each other you might be so I'm being careful of that.

I'm also just reminding myself to be kind and more aware of my triggers which is tough when tired but important. Like being late us a trigger of mine so im allowing more time for things. And I'm praising the effort he's making like good listening or thanks for giving toys to the baby.

I also realise as DC1 doesn't like being told what to do, it makes him feel he's done something very wrong. So if I say don't say ha ha I won, you could say coming 2nd is OK, for example he takes that as i said something unkind so I'm unkind. I did say of course your kind and I'm sorry I said it in a way that made you think you might not be. But I'll have to think about the best way to phrase things or when to let it go. Ugh I'm so tired.