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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Help!!! Boy is hitting & biting me. :(

16 replies

davidtennantsmistress · 31/03/2008 19:42

what do I do???

he's 2, has just had a week with his dad. (i've been about in the back ground but not really here too much - popping in every day for an hour or so) anyhow, prior to H's visit he'd hit out once or twice but nothing a stern no naughty we don't hit, didn't sort out.

today however, he's hit me (forcefully as well) about 4 times today, each time i've got down to his level and said 'no DS, naughty' followed by 'we don't hit.' but tonight's really taken the buscuit - wouldn't let him get down and dance (was getting ready for bed) so he bit my hand/thumb so hard it's literally left a teeth mark, & also he's cut the skin/grazed it a bit

I told him very very firmly (ok shouted) NO naughty boy we don't bite. he went quiet and sulked for a bit then looked at my hand and i said 'yes you did that' (prob not the best thing I know) anyhow he then said sorry we had a cuddle and I said I was sorry for shouting at him.

how much he understood I don't know but all I know is it bloody hurt, but on the other hand I didn't handle it very well. He's not been sleeping properly from yesterday but that's another story with ex.

help me be a better mum & tell me what to do with him - i'm lost as to what to do, naughty step doesn't work, & I do not want to smack him, but today I could easily have done.

OP posts:

Original poster

davidtennantsmistress · 31/03/2008 20:09

OP posts:

quarkee · 31/03/2008 20:14

Oh DTM I dont have any words of wisdom but have a big {{{{{{{{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}}}}}}}} in the meantime - my DS is 2 too and sometimes hits out (but nothing hard yet) so i will be listening in if I may....

MeMySonAndI · 31/03/2008 20:18

Well, apart of using adjectives when telling him off, I think you are doing very well...

Be patient regarding the hitting though... I realised when DS goes to his daddy's he spends so much time playing fighting that he forgets I am not so easily pleased at being hit...

Original poster

davidtennantsmistress · 31/03/2008 20:19

yes please do feel free, i'm at a lost and tbh I feel like a shite mum now as a consequence.

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Heated · 31/03/2008 20:20

With ds we used to say 'no' very firmly, put him immediately down on the floor and turn away & it was very effective.

Hwr, with dd this had no effect whatsoever, had a little more success with saying 'poor mummy hurt' and looking sad. She has stopped hitting us but ds not so fortunate!

cory · 31/03/2008 20:30

This is a perfectly normal stage, lots of children go through it, and you are doing all the right things. Which doesn't make you a shit mum, but a pretty good one

The sad fact is that even when we do all the right things as parents, it doesn't necessarily mean our children are going to start doing the right thing straightaway. They haven't read all the parenting books.

Time and patience and keep on as you're doing- this will pass.

My dd was a pretty reckless hitter and biter (I think I might still have a scar) but is now a perfectly sensible mature 11yo.

I have been told that when I was a toddler, they fed me sandwiches with a spoon- otherwise, I'd have their fingers! Yet I am a perfectly law-abiding non-violent citizen.

Janos · 31/03/2008 20:51

Oh dtm I couldn't read this and not comment!!

My DS (3) was dropped off by his Dad on Saturday and had the worst tantrum I have ever seen, because he was tires, upset and wanted Daddy. He kicked, screamed, hit and scratched me in the face.

I was so upset (the scratch REALLY bloody well hurt too!) that I ran into the bathroom and cried.

I felt absolutely dreadful.

So it's not just your DS at all and I think it is 'normal' behaviour cos little ones just don't know how to control their anger in the same way that we do.

Of course when I went back in and DS saw the scratch he said whats that mummy..? When I said, well you scratched me and it hurt he looked absolutely devastated. I think he didn't even realise he had done it.

In short, I don't think you did anything wrong and just wanted to offer some comfort and support as I know just how it feels! FWIW I think handovers can be difficult and especially if it was DS's first.

Hope you are feeling better now.

summermummy · 31/03/2008 21:25

hi - we had this too. Firm No, put down facing away from us and walked away (not a long way) whilst saying we don't like hitting or biting etc. For ages thought we were getting nowhere but all of a sudden it stopped completely phase lasted from about 2.3-2.5. Withdrawal of attention for a short time and consistency really worked plus big cuddles the rest of the time. HTH

Original poster

davidtennantsmistress · 31/03/2008 21:33

thanks for your input guys, he's 2.2 btw.

hes' currently still awake - and has no intention of going to sleep. How much of this is him pushing me to the limit to see if i'll leave him like his daddy has/doid I don't know (don't know if that's how their little minds work or not??) but it feels like he is - he'll prob settle down by the end of the week - it just knocks everything else out here after a he won't sleep till about 10 tonight (again I might add after H was an idiot last night/day with his sleeping) anyhow tomorrow will be knocked out as a consequence - so i'll prob have to keep him awake to get him back into sync again

janos - it does get easier I've found. until this time! lol. DS is now used to what happens - we get H on a fri night from the station we have a take away of sorts then he has sat day & night with daddy, I come home on sunday am at some point - 7 months on and we're getting there (apart from this)

I'm hoping this is a phase - maybe I should put him in anger management classes! lol.

i'm a little concerned thou that my shouting will encourage him to deal with his emotions and frustrations by hitting out and shouting which isn't what I want at all - but how do you teach a toddler who to manage their emotions? mentally in other areas he's quite sharp - but I guess his emotional development has taken a battering after H left

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Janos · 31/03/2008 22:07

Oh no I thinking shouting just means you are human....I get very worried after shouting too but always gives cuddless after when all is calm and explain that mummy is sorry for shouting but she still loves you etc.

I remember my mum doing it and I don't ever feel that she didn't/doesn't love us.

I do worry though...but I thinkw hen you are unders atrain, doing it all yourself its entirely understandable.

Sorry, not muchhelp am I? Lots of sympathy though!

Handovers are usually ok..we have been doing them a long time, I think DS just did not want to be parted from Daddy.

Janos · 31/03/2008 22:09

Apols for awful typing, I'm very tired and just off to bed!

Original poster

davidtennantsmistress · 31/03/2008 23:10

don't worry janos - thanks for taking the time to reply - yes I vividly remember my mum throwing the ketchup bottle across the kitchen floor when I was small in a temper - it was the standing joke that rant and rave in the garden chuck the pots about out there, but don't hurt the kids. (not really a joke now a days but I guess 25 years ago! lol)

he finally went to sleep at 10.05, after climbing out of his bed.

OP posts:

nappyaddict · 31/03/2008 23:38

ds hits and i find saying no, don't and stop has no effect whatsoever. instead i have to tell him what i would like him to do so .... things like be gentle/kind/nice to mummy else she will be sad/upset/will cry because you hurt her seems to work better.

nappyaddict · 31/03/2008 23:40

btw i try not to shout but instead use a sort of deep, firm voice. mum shouted at us and it definitely meant we learnt to just shout back. i don't want screaming matches like that between me and ds.

Original poster

davidtennantsmistress · 31/03/2008 23:55

NA - this is my next tatic - what's the book everyone keeps raving about? will have to get it form the library.

I hate shouting at him - which is why I feel so bad - but then again EX says I 'baby him' too much??

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HonoriaGlossop · 01/04/2008 00:03

I think time out would be enough for this - I think perhaps you could tell him next time he hits, that if he does this again he will go into his room for two minutes on his own.

You don't need to get so angry that you shout, or feel like hitting him, if you have a strategy that you know you can use...keep it only for really bad stuff like hitting, and it will mean something to him.

I don't think he's pushing boundaries to 'test' whether you'll leave too, I don't think it's that conscious, I think it's just as you say the emotional 'battering' of the change of his dad going, and the difficulties of the change between staying with dad, then being at home. He will adapt so I wouldn't worry too much but I do think he needs firm boundaries at home...that doesn't mean getting shouty with him, just say a firm no to stuff he shouldn't do and distract him on to other things, and if he does stuff like hitting or biting, time out....

i'm sure he will be fine, it is all normal of course...

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