What would you do? 😢

[Theirmumxx]

Hi,

I’m feeling so helpless with my 8 year old daughter right now and really don’t know what to do.

DD was born in 2015 and was a happy, healthy baby. She hit all her development milestones and I didn’t have any concerns about any aspect of her development. She had a lot of separation anxiety but I didn’t worry about it really.

She started school nursery in 2020 (just before Covid) and was so confident. No crying in the mornings and loved nursery.

During the pandemic when she was 5yo was when I first started noticing issues.

She went from wearing anything in her wardrobe to wearing the same clothes everyday. She would say anything else gave her “tummy ache”. I knew she was telling the truth as she would visibly clam up when wearing any other clothes and get upset. We would have to put socks on her over and over again because they weren’t “right”. We had to redo her hair over and over again because it wasn’t “right”. Pyjamas didn’t feel “right”, some days she would just sit in her knickers because she said her clothes “hurt.” I got so worried about this that I rang the health visitor who was brilliant and said it sounded like sensory issues due to anxiety. She provided her with some sensory resources.

this has continued until this day. She still will only wear certain clothes, some clothes make her visibly unhappy and uncomfortable and her hair is never ever “right” which causes her to actually break down into tears some days.

As she is getting older the anxiety seems to be getting worse and she is also displaying some OCD behaviours. She is convinced that objects have feelings and it’s really starting to affect her life.

for example, I bought her 2 new T-shirts for PE at school. She put one on and then kept crying because she felt sorry for the other one she hadn’t chosen to wear!

another example, she eats her tea and is full but she will force it down sometimes until she is sick because “what if it’s a family and I’ve eaten it’s mum and it’s on it’s own now?”

we go to the supermarket and I ask her to pick a chocolate bar she feels bad on the ones she hasn’t picked?

She will cry in bed because she misses me? Even though I’m in the next room. She’s in year 3 and cries every morning going into school.

this doesn’t seem like anxiety to me? Is this autism? Asperger’s? I’m so sorry if this post seems naive I have no clue what to do, where to go from here or how to help my daughter: she just seems sad all the time.

Wow OP how tough for you - it sounds like she is scared of being alone or doing wrong or making others feel left out. She has some seriously strong emotional
Intelligence.

With regards to the clothes thing my daughter is the same at 7. Impossible to put clothes on her when she decides she doesn't like, anything uncomfortable she has a meltdown and says it is "biting her"

I read that is could be SPD - sensory processing disorder.

Have you thought of taking her to a play therapist to get feedback?

Agree it could be ASD, I don't think the term Asperger's anymore?

Have you spoken to her Teacher yet and have you asked if their SENCO can assess her?

I couldn't read and run. I just wanted to say that your daughter sounds exactly like I was when I was her age. I didn't like certain clothes (mainly ones that were anywhere near my neck) and had extreme OCD behaviours, such as opening every door 4 times because I thought if I didn't something bad would happen to my family. I also thought objects had feelings, and once spent 2 weeks crying over a rubber (that happened to be a novelty penguin one) that was in Tesco and I couldn't buy because it had marks on it and I felt so upset that it would never have a home and would always be alone. I distinctly remember the distress it caused me to this day, so although some might think it silly, when you're a child it feels very real and upsetting.

I'm now waiting to be diagnosed autistic. I would suggest asking your daughters school for a referral, or at least some extra support with adults that understand and are empathetic. I felt like I wasn't listened to as a child by some adults and it just made me hide the behaviours as opposed to helping me get better.

Something I do want to say is please don't panic. Your daughter feels safe enough to tell you how she's feeling which is incredible. Many children hide these feelings and behaviours because they can sense they aren't typical. Let her be herself, buy clothing that she feels comfortable in, have discussions about inanimate objects and perhaps the science behind why they don't have feelings (I'm thinking teach her about brains, the human body, animals' brains, how brains allow us to have feelings and how these objects don't have brains and are just made up of atoms? Does that make sense?). Ask open questions and allow her to be honest with you. I'm 26 now and my mum has said how hard it was for her when I was younger as she just didn't know where to turn and didn't know what the future held for me. I can tell you that I went to university and got a first class degree and am now self-employed living in my own home. I'm not sure if that's any help to know, but I feel it important to share as a diagnosis of autism or any other neurodiversity is not completely life limiting or something to be frightened of.

Apologies if this all sounds a bit waffly and irrelevant, I just had to reply as it sounded so much like how I was as a child and I know how upset and worried it made my mum for me. Hope it helps a little bit x

Thanks so much for the replies. I have spoken to the school nurse this morning who has referred her for an assessment and see where we go from there.

Ive also spoken to school who say they don’t see any issues. They were a bit funny with me actually and said “maybe she just wants to spend more time with you?” because she’s been crying in the mornings.

the school nurse said it sounds like she is masking and then exploding at home possibly due to school becoming more demanding and difficult as she is getting older. I feel awful that she is having to hide her feelings at school.

It's really good that the School Nurse has referred your DD. Did she give you an indication of how long the assessment will likely take and any advise on applying for an ECHP?