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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable or is my friend?

42 replies

MrsCarps · 25/03/2008 20:33

Hi - I'm new to mumsnet but feel the need to get some helpful hints from others who may have been in the same boat.

Also - worth noting that I'm pregnant so probably a bit sensitive - apologies all.

I'm really good friends with someone who I met at a baby club with my first child. Her daughter is practically the same age as my son (age 2).

Lately my friends daughter has taking to hitting and mostly it seems to be directed at my son. My son is generally very placid and easy going.

My friend doesn't discipline her daughter when smacking so she continues doing it. Lately my son has started retaliating.

I find myself constantly having to watch his back and disciplining him when he hits back. I feel that he is being punished when really he shouldn't be. Also - my friend has now started commenting on how naughty my little boy us.

There's quite a few of in this group of friends and I don't want to split us all up with this. Also - when my next child arrives I would really appreciate the support of this group of friends. What should I do?

Sorry for rambling but been in tears about this today.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

notnowbernard · 25/03/2008 21:43

I still wouldn't call that bullying

SenoraPostrophe · 25/03/2008 22:07

CP - 2 year olds are really not bullies, that is a ridiculous thing to say. they don't have the "intention" of hurting as such because they don't fully understand that other people have feelings at that age (they understand it a bit, but not fully). calling them bullies is spectacularly unhelpful.

kerala · 25/03/2008 22:11

The believing that a 2 year old can be a bully is on a par with DH's work colleague saying her 1 year old was "emotionally blackmailing" her because she cried when she was left at a nursery. Just makes me so when people attribute sophisticated grown up emotions to tiny children.

kittywise · 25/03/2008 22:12

2 year olds live only in the present moment. Everything they do is a reaction to what is happening NOW.

Bullying is premeditated.

LittleBella · 25/03/2008 22:14

I really do think child development and psychology should be taught at school.

Spoo · 25/03/2008 22:19

I don't think it is bullying but the behaviour needs to be addressed. I would intervene and have done in the past. Normally I physically get in there and say to the hitter 'Sweeheart, please don't hit - it's not very nice' and then take your little one and say 'now why don't we go and .....' find a suitable activity away from other child. This does not make a scene but shows the other parents that you are in control. BTW I do not think 2 is too young for timeouts but only as a last resort - try distraction first.

Heated · 25/03/2008 22:24

My dd who is nearly 2 knows she should not hit her older brother, the naughty sideways glint she gives me, tells me so! But it's not bullying, it's testing boundaries and learning about interaction with others.

There's been given some really good advice on this thread, especially LittleBella's 20.50 and Cargirl's 21.06 posts.

notnowbernard · 25/03/2008 22:25

I do think it is entirely reasonable to say to the hitter something along the lines of "No, we mustn't hit, must we?" then distract with something else

Though I did feel mightily embarassed when I said this to a small person (3ish?) the other day at a park and then realised that he was with his mother who had with her a toddler and newborn twins

Almost felt like telling the little chap to go and lamp anyone he fancied

Ineedacleaner · 26/03/2008 09:55

I had a similar problem when dd was smaller. I tried all sorts and I tried to be so patient as I knew deep down some of hte reasons why the mum was like this. Unfortunately his behaviour got worse and worse and so did her ability to do anything about it in the end we fell out.
I see her around and our dc's are nearly 5, he is a BIG boy for is age and is getting stronger and smarter and his behaviour is just the same.

The thing was he went to a cm 4 days a week while she was at work and I looked after him for a few weeks while his mum had driving lessons and he was fantastic but as soon as he clocked her coming up the path the behaviour went back again.

I was in the same situation when I finally stopped trying to be subtle and had to say something because his behaviour had got so bad I honestly worried about him being in the same room as the new baby when it cam.

Elkat · 26/03/2008 15:35

Another tack you can take is when your child hits back explain to them 'I know X hit you, but you mustn't hit back', ensuring you are sounding firm but fait and making sure the mother is in full earshot. If you say it enough times, she might get the hint perhaps?

Some parents are juts blind, and in my experience it doesn't go away - particularly if your child is not a dobber!

Twiglett · 26/03/2008 15:39

when the child hits your DS say loudly and clearly to the mother "Oh xxx has just hit yy"

when your child hits girl in retaliation say loudly "No yyy we do not hit, even if she hit you. That's not nice"

Or intervene when the DD does it and say "That's not nice xx, no hitting please" and take DS away and make a big fuss of him

kitbit · 26/03/2008 15:54

Try teaching your little boy to say NO!! loudly. ds's nursery were rubbish at this sort of thing and he'd often come back with scratches or say he'd been hit. I taught him to shout NO! and put his hand up to stop the hitter. It gives them something physical to do and as you say, it's a shame he's being picked up on something that he didn't start. You can also help him practise this when he's playing with your friend's daughter, perhaps hearing you (and then your ds) saying NO! strongly like that will push home to her that her little girl's behaviour isn't acceptable or sociable. Actually, ds is now 3 and I still do that with him if in a group I don't know well and some other child is hitting/smacking/pulling whatever and mum isn't helping. It helps him fix it and shows the other mum that it's not OK without you having to actually tackle their child yourself.

kitbit · 26/03/2008 15:59

Meant to add, supporting your ds is important as although him hitting back isn't good, it's not fair for only him to be picked up on it. It helps him learn justice if he can stop the original problem and shows him that you are understand what's going on and are protecting him, as I'm sure it can't help a toddler's frustration when they can't communicate their thoughts fully PLUS they feel noone understands.

HonoriaGlossop · 26/03/2008 16:57

I have to say that I would not allow this mum NOT to deal with her dd. If she doesn't seem to have 'seen' that her dd has hit, I'd tell her! It doesn't have to be in an aggressive way, just to draw it to her attention so that she HAS to deal with it.

Or I would tell the child myself if all else failed.

Agree with kitbit that it is good for a child to feel able to say NO, but it isn't only his responsibility at this stage; he's too little and needs you to deal with it as well IMO, and not just by disciplining him when he hits! It is so true that he will get frustrated if this goes on, as children even of this age have a good understanding of what's fair or unfair.

CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 26/03/2008 20:54

A bully is an aggressive person who intimidates or mistreats weaker people.

I appreciate the word aggressive may seem shocking but a child that goes about hitting other children is displaying aggressive behaviour .

Lots of young children go through this phase and as said it is them trying it on.If left unchecked it can become a serious problem

I hope you have managed to sort things out Mrscarps.
x

LittleBella · 27/03/2008 14:38

Chocolatepeanut is your last post a re-assertion that the word bully is an appropriate one to describe a 2 year old?

HonoriaGlossop · 27/03/2008 14:59

I think the key is in the words 'if left unchecked'...it's a parenting issue, not a 'bully' of a child at TWO years old....

a child of two needs parenting to show boundaries etc etc etc not labelling as a bully.

ChocolateP it is not 'them trying it on' it is the way that an immature mind and body deals with learning about life. They are physically and emotionally unformed and they are not capable of 'trying it on', they are simply acting as nature dictates when we are at that stage, which is when we are all 'ego' without the socialising effect that comes with maturity and experience and being TAUGHT.

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