Daughters refusal to acknowledge anything femanine

[SG78]

Hi, I’m sure this is one that’s probably come up SO many times but I’d really like to post this more so to support my wife who is really struggling at the minute.

Our daughter who turns seven next month has always been a defiant character, rather contrary and knows her own will! All personality traits, which I’m sure will stand her in good stead later in life.

The concern we have is her lifelong lack of interest in feminine things. She has always wanted to dress more boyish, has boys as friends as a majority and more upsetting, literally just refuses to acknowledge anything feminine. Bolted onto that, she always seems
to err on the side of ‘nasty’ stuff. It’s really difficult to explain, it doesn’t just seem tomboy behaviour, it’s more the fact that she just refuses to acknowledge girl things.

An example today, she is an excellent reader. With world book day around the corner, we suggested a few outfits we could make together from some of the books that she has been reading. Her instant go to is to want to be the male character, or anything that more violent. The crocodile that eats the mouse, the shark attacking, or the ninja that beats everyone up for example….

I used to brush it off as her just being a bit of a tomboy, but I can see it’s really upsetting my wife. She feels she can’t connect with her to do anything, anything she suggests that is in any way slightly girly, she just has zero interest and I can see how it’s driving a wedge.

anyone else in my camp?

I was the same at that age. I just found girly stuff really boring. I also didn't really want to be like my mother because she hated her role and and I picked up on that. And my father often made disparaging remarks about girly stuff ("he throws like a girl.")

The only reason we call certain things masculine or feminine is because society values certain traits in men ( physical prowess and aggression) and others in women (passivity and beauty). Is this a good thing?

The way marketing works at the moment is that everything for girls from toys, and clothes to media is about people pleasing, beauty and subservience "friendship" "kindness" "helping" are keywords.

Everything for boys is about fighting, killing and aggression which is no better. But I know which one would appeal more to me at 7.

So don't push her to like the insipid trash marketed to girls. If you're uncomfortable with the aggression of the boyish stuff ask yourself if you'd feel the same about a boy liking it? It's the same toxic impulse either way.

What is your own attitude to girly things? Do you let a bias for or against femininity show? What about your wife? Maybe your wife could make an effort to connect with your DD by taking an interest in more active, exciting things instead of the other way around?

You could also introduce her to some female characters who are action heroes and such so she knows girls can kick ass too.

Thanks for your response, this totally rings with me and it’s the same stuff we have been discussing. We’re honestly far from wanting her to love everything pink and soft and girly. It’s more that she almost refuses to acknowledge women. My wife is a strong role model, good career leader, and prominent figure in our house.

We’ve mixed things up from the “normal” as I was a stay at home dad for three years for my daughter and son also.

It’s just the refusal to acknowledge females female characters, girls as friends etc.

I feel a bit sorry for your DD. Can your DW find some things to do together that are more neutral like park run, climbing or swimming?

I was a tomboy as a kid, still am really. Played football, had mostly boy friends, never interested in girly things. My daughter is nearly 4 and the complete opposite to me, a proper girly girl, into fancy dress, make up etc none of which I have any interest in but I do it because it makes her happy. I think your wife needs to try and take an interest in things your DD likes whether she’s into it or not.

When you say she refuses to acknowledge female characters, girls as friends, what does that actually look like? Is she being unkind to or excluding other girls, or simply her preferred playmates are boys? If a book or television show has a female character, what does she do? If she always dislikes them, can you probe why and use that to start discussion?

What happens if your wife suggests very neutral activities, boardgames or swimming, going for a bike ride or out to a café, stuff like that?

Thanks for the messages. Reading the replies, I may not have been too clear. Please don’t feel ‘sorry’ for my daughter, my wife and I spent ALL the time we can doing thing she loves. Monster trucks shows, hot wheels building, reading Spider-Man and Batman books, doing Pokémon and playing football! I don’t see ANY issue in her doing this stuff. I just feel a little worried that she’s so keen on telling us she prefers all the boys in things. I ‘accidentally’ got her a toothbrush end of last week with Wonder Woman on it, full blow tantrum! She’s read the Mirabelle books, so I suggested making her a mirabelle costume for book day ‘no way, I want to be the boy in it if anything!’ I suppose it’s examples like that, where I feel it’s a little one sided and I do feel a bit for my wife. An older family member said something once a while back about her liking boys things and she was very quick to say she loves being a girl but just doesn’t like girls stuff. Fair enough I suppose! I just don’t like the violent side of stuff, ninja’s / battles etc. And yes, to Allinarow48 I absolutely feel the same about my 4 year old boy with that stuff. Anyway - tough to describe. She’s happy, loved for and supported, which will never change but was just keen to hear views.

Tbh it sounds like she’s getting a decent amount of attention for it so is going to push the issue further.
Girl characters in a lot of stuff are pictured as being pathetic and prissy so if she’s visualising everything strong, fun and exciting as male then that’s what she’ll think.
Rather than playing Spider-Man, football, monster trucks etc can’t you do things that are neutral so there’s no male/female connotations at all. Do junk modelling, play outside, playdough, painting.
I’d just ignore the male/female stereotypes she seems to have got in her head tbh. Someone’s commented on it at some point and she’s run with it. It needs to just be no big deal. She’s into what she’s into regardless of whatever stereotype it’s attached to.