Child not very sociable!

[Caroline5]

Our dd is 3 (4 in Feb). Both her nursery and playgroup have said she is not very sociable, ie does not interact with the other children much, plays alone in a dreamworld and doesn't concentrate well. Her nursery feel this is a big issue, which will put her at a disadvantage when she starts school. They feel I should increase her sessions at the nursery so they can work on it.

Playgroup also think increased sessions would help, but are more relaxed. They think I should have more "playdates" at home with other children (she does have a few friends she sees regularly outside pre-school).

My feeling is that she is only 3, does it really matter that much at this age? Both me and dh are quiet people, and certainly were quite shy at dd's age. I don't think we were too keen on school at first, but soon got used to it. Or should I be going along with nursery's view that this is something we need to deal with?

Thanks in advance for any comments.

Oh these nurseries make me so mad!!! Go with your gut feeling; as you said she is only three. You can't force her to socialise! Provide the opportunities and she will when she is ready, but at 3 she's probably more than happy with your company. If she's happy why push her.

I took DS1 out of one nursery becuase of their "all children must ne exactly the same" attitude- he now attends a much nicer one where he can be who he is. I'm not saying change nurseies, I'm just saying go with your gut feelings.

Presumably she won't be starting school for a good while yet, so what's the rush? Er, it's none of their business what playdates you do or don't have outside the nursery I'd say! A few friends are all she needs at this age I think. Just a thought but presumably you pay more if you increase the sessions? It doesn't sound to me as if they should be talking about 'working on it' anyway, she's too young to need finely honed social skills. You also say that you and dh are quiet and shy so it's not surprising if she takes after you - there's nothing wrong with that. Agree with jimjams, go with your feelings, if you and dd are happy that's the main thing.

Crikey,they can't fit all children into a box.She can't be the only child they've seen like this.She sounds adorable,she's fine and like the others have said she's only 3.

I'm with everyone else - she's perfectly entitled to keep to herself as much as she wants to. Not everyone can be the life and soul of the party.

FWIW, my DD was similar. She was pretty quiet at nursery - initially she only went two afternoons a week, then I increased it to 2.5 days. She's now almost 6yo and one of the most popular in her class, plays happily with everybody and refuses to have a best friend.

Agree with all these wise comments. She's only three, she's perfectly entitled to play how and with whoever she likes as long as she isn't unhappy and isn't hurting anyone else. Being shy/quiet/imaginative isn't a crime. You sound pretty happy with your dd, so ignore the nursery (you know you want to!).

Thanks all for your wisdom and sanity! Have decided to bin dd's nursery as they are just too heavy about everything (and dd doesn't really like it there anyway), and she'll just go to playgroup where she's happy and does mix with the other kids. Can't see that this will do her any harm, and it has excellent links with the primary school she'll go to in Sept.

Also discussed this with dd2's Portage teacher today, who thought dd1 was totally happy and quite sociable, so ner (sp??) to nursery!!

Hi - all, I have been searching for a link to help a friend of mine, and this is the closest one I have found, but still not exactly on point. My friend has a 4 year old boy - his nursery tells my friend that her son is "extremely disruptive" and should seek psychological help. He is in an extremely expensive privileged nursery. Apparently he will just yell "inappropriate" things - I believe possibly cursing or something like that - and defies any authority figures at the nursery. My friend's husband apparently "threatens" that if the boy continues this behavior, he'll get kicked out of the school and will be forced to go to a school for "bad boys." My friend tells her husband that this is not helping, but her husband does not change his behavior towards their son. Any advice that I can give my friend? Everyone is apparently seeing a sociologist or psychologist about this behavior. I told her I'd search and ask around to see if I can provide some friendly advice. Thanks.

Hello Chiarasmom,

Has your friend thought about seeing a Parenting specialist, someone who can give help and advice about parenting issues?

Susan

[email protected]

Hi - thanks for response. I'm in the US, so I'm not sure we have the same resources you all do. The school has advised her and her family to see a sociologist and a psychologist I believe regarding her son. But I'm not sure her husband wants to follow through with that, so I'm not sure they've actually gone.

chiarasmum, it doesn't sound as if the father's comments are terribly helpful, but you and your friend know this! Could your friend try going there for a session just to see how bad it is and how his behaviour compares to behaviour at home? I don't know what else to suggest but I think if it were me I'd want to get an idea of it first hand before I tried to explain it to a 3rd party professional.

That's good advice. I will ask my friend. I imagine she has done everything she can - but is probably in part blaming her husband because I do think we all agree that her husband's comments are probably making things worse. I'm not sure how much she is telling me, as I think she is feeling badly about the whole situation. I know that her son is not hitting anyone - which is good. But somehow, he is being, as she put it "extremely disruptive" and I believe verbally hostile. I didn't mention below that he is extremely intelligent - probably not being challenged. I don't know how that plays in.

WWW and SPS, a really good thing happened. I sent my friend an email gently recommending that her husband refrain from threats and criticism, that they sit in on a session, and that they see a professional. My friend forwarded the email to her husband, and he has sent me an email thanking me for the advice. Of course he didn't say if he agreed, but I figure you can only do so much. Thanks for the responses.

Hey chiarasmum, it's a good start! Good for you.