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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

3yo DS just said i was going to die??? is this at all normal???

22 replies

glaskham · 24/03/2008 18:15

I have just got my 3yo up from a nap (doesn't normally have one but was dosing off on the couch and asked to go to bed) anyway, we got downstairs and he said to me 'one day soon mummy, your going to die and i'll never see you again....I'll miss you'

I reassured him i was going nowhere, but now he keeps saying 'but you'll die one day mummy'

what do i do, I dont know where he's got anything about death from....i'm upset to think my poor 3yo has been crying about this upstairs (he told me thats why he woke up crying)

Is it normal for it to happen so young? all the death talk?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

posieflump · 24/03/2008 18:16

Has he been going to church over Easter? Just wondered if he picked up on the dying from there?

Fillyjonk · 24/03/2008 18:17

ds worked this out too recently. he is 4 but his 2 yo sister has also started with it.

its normal, but

McDreamy · 24/03/2008 18:18

I remember DD exploring death and dying around that age, quite matter of factly if I remember rightly.

I remember one afternoon talking about her wedding when she grows up. I was with my parents at the time. She decided that myself and her nana would be bridesmaids and wear pretty dresses. When my dad asked her what he would be wearing she turned to him and said "Oh don't you worry about that grandad, you'll be dead by then!!"

seeker · 24/03/2008 18:20

It's all part of realizing that they are separate individuals and it's quite normal, in my experience. Reassure him and move onto another subject if you can - but make sure you acknowledge his feelings. I used to say "yes,I will die one day, but not until you have beengrown up for a long time, so don't worry - there'll always be someone to look after you"

Original poster

glaskham · 24/03/2008 18:30

he hasn't been going to church over easter, and was ill for the last week of nursery so doubt it had come there. He's since said it will be when i have the baby for my friends- i'm hoping to be a surrogate soon and have explained this to him, he's over the moon about it, and we have never mentioned anything about death while he's been around....

I understand its normal for him to be learning about death, but didn't know when to expect it, and this was so out of the blue, and so to hear him talk about it.

I have been re-assuring him mummy is going nowhere, i'm going to be here to hold his hand and protect him for a very long time still....but he's not taking it in

OP posts:

Gemma77 · 26/03/2008 19:09

I think this is completely normal for 3 and 4 year olds. My little one started to have nightmares and it was at the same time that he started to ask about death. I mentioned it to my GP when we went for something else, and he said that it was normal for young children to start asking about death and that it is part of learning that they can be vulnerable - thus the nightmares.

Anway - after a month or so it all settled down. Although he did ask why my grandparents had died - he seemed to think it was because they had grey hair!! I explained that their hearts stopped working because they were very old.

This came back and bit me in the backside though... as we were getting ready to climb into the car for nursery one morning, an elderly lady walked past - to which DS shouted, 'mummy... she's going to heaven soon isnt she!' How embarressing!!!

notnowbernard · 26/03/2008 19:15

My 4.4 year old has started talking about dying a lot recently

She used to have an imaginary friend that went everywhere with her. I realised this morning I hadn't heard dd talk about/to her for ages. When I asked where she was these days, dd responded with, "Oh, she died"

I said that was very sad... dd said "Yes, but I've got a new friend now so it's ok"

All very matter-of-fact. I don't think dd gets the whole concept at all, but is just becoming aware of it.

I think because she is yet to experience someone she knows dying, she can't grasp the reality of it

bran · 26/03/2008 19:24

DS is a bit obsessed with death at the moment (he's 3.9), I think it's normal and I'm hoping it'll wear off soon. We were at the zoo yesterday and there was a museum section that had skeletons and stuffed animals and he was full of questions about how they died and why. Then he wanted to know when DH and I would die and when he would die.

A few months ago we were flying back from Dublin to City Airport which has a runway surrounded by water. When we were waiting for take-off when he said "This plane isn't going to London. It's going to go into the water and down to the bottom and everyone will die. We should get off now." I've no idea where he got the idea from, but the people in the row in front of us were very nervous.

Flamesparrow · 26/03/2008 19:28

DD keeps sobbing about having to move out and live without me She mentions death every so often too. I think it is natural

notnowbernard · 26/03/2008 19:32

DD1 is under the impression that she is going to be living with us "forever"

I gently introduced the idea that maybe one day she would live in her own house, or have her own babies or her own cat. She looked at me with utter horror

mybestfriendiscalledstig · 26/03/2008 19:35

DS tells me I'm going to 'die out' - he seems utterly unconcerned... (He's just 4 - has been talking like this since a recent dinosaur phase, so about 3 months) He also wants to know if he can bury me and fig up the bones

Flamesparrow · 26/03/2008 19:35

I gave in in the end and told DD she could stay as long as she likes... I may live to regret that

She also wants to live with DS forever - I pity his wife!!!

notnowbernard · 26/03/2008 19:42

Yes, I too had to backtrack and reassure dd that of course she could live with us for as long as she likes. The threat of the imminent melt-down was too much to contemplate

She also believes dd2 will be in it for the long-haul. DP looked on aghast!

Blandmum · 26/03/2008 19:51

At the risk of being the ghost that the feast, and while I can totaly understand that you want to re-assure your child that you will be around for ages, it doesn't always work out that way.

We have had to explain to our two (11 and 7) that daddy isn't going to get better, and when asked we had to be honest and tell them that 'Yes, he is going to die'.

And it was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do, and I have never been so proud of my kids. They are amazing

Flamesparrow · 26/03/2008 19:54

I have always tried to go with "Yes, one day." and leave it at that w/r death

How is MrMB doing?

fingerwoman · 26/03/2008 19:55

my 3 yr old told me I was going to die today if I stopped walking,.
a while later I did stop walking and he starts shouting "there, there, you stopped there! now you die!"
i was like "erm, well, I don't think I'll die just now"
to which he replies "it's ok, daddy will look after me"

thanks, nice to know you'll miss me lol

Blandmum · 26/03/2008 19:55

Not good atm. He has been in a lot of pain today, and has needed tp up his pain meds from 80mg twice a day to 100mg.

Which isn't good, as it probably means that the tumours are growing back

notnowbernard · 26/03/2008 20:01

Oh, Martianbishop

So sorry you are going through this atm.

I think you're right, the reassurance does need to be tempered with a dose of realism, too

Honesty seems to be a bit of an underrated way of dealing with small people's queries, doesn't it?

Flamesparrow · 26/03/2008 20:02

Oh MB A most unMN {hug}

PortAndLemon · 26/03/2008 20:06

DS is 3.2 and a bit death-obsessed at the moment since MIL's dog died last week. He has worked out that as everyone gets older that must mean that everyone is going to die, although is currently very matter-of-fact about it.

emiliadaniel · 26/03/2008 20:13

I totally agree with being honest when asked a direct question, even when it is on a difficult topic such as death. I always adopt this approach, of course using suitable language, and I am yet to find a subject that we can't deal with. My DS, 5, and I have recently covered the Second World War, contraception and terminal cancer. Yes, he is very inquisitive! But he takes it all in as just another piece of information and comes back with more questions when he is ready.

Eeek · 26/03/2008 20:13

if they say this sort of thing just say in a very matter of fact way 'yes, darling. but not today'. They're strangely satisfied and change the subject. If you try and talk it through it seems to just get worse. Honest!

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