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Original poster

How do we discipline DD?

48 replies

3NAB · 24/03/2008 09:01

I have just found out that my 4.7 year old daughter punched my cat and just now she has hit her 2 3/4 year old brother.

She had already been sent to her room this morning by DH for saying she was going to punch my cat and then hit her brother when he went upstairs.

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S1ur · 24/03/2008 09:05

Oh dear. Is she pissed off about something else?

theboob · 24/03/2008 09:06

my dd 5 has just started being really naughty,i have removed something she loves ,and after a tamtrum the other night,she was sent straight to bed,she really did not like this and it seems to be working,she is my only girl and fingers crossed this is a phase

Original poster
3NAB · 24/03/2008 09:06

I don't think so, I think it is her age, school, etc etc

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seeker · 24/03/2008 09:08

Didn't the cat hand out some discipline - ours would have done!

S1ur · 24/03/2008 09:10

Mmm, maybe you could encourage her to do something kind for her brother. Something that takes consideration or self-sacrifice.... But I wouldn't force her, you don't want further resentment piled on him. More presented as a way to cheer him up having been punched.

Original poster
3NAB · 24/03/2008 09:16

I wasn't there when she hit the cat.

I will make her apologise otherwise she will be in more trouble. Hitting is just not on. I am so angry she punched my cat. She loves her usually.

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seeker · 24/03/2008 10:12

Just curious - why is it "your" cat, rather than "the" cat? Does your dd feel that the cat is hers at all? Could this be an issue - or am I over thinking?

gagarin · 24/03/2008 10:31

Have you thought about how people around your daughter usually talk about and express anger?

It sounds as though she's in a right mood but doesn't know what to do with her feelings and so is lashing out? What do you and dh do when you're angry and upset? I'm sure you don't punch the cat so she needs help in learning what to do when she feels bad.

Maybe you can help your dh by giving her some names for her feelings - you know - the "this is a big red prickly feeling called anger and it makes me want to hurt people" approach (don't forget the "this is a warm fluffy feeling that makes me want to hug you"...).

And try talking about your emotions so she knows it's normal - things like "mummy was in a really bad mood wasn't I?" when you've got stressy.

We're great at teaching children things like colours and numbers - but hopeless at teaching them cross/happy/upset. Playing the "which face" game is good too - show me a cross face/show me happy/show me worried/show me surprised etc etc

And after the time in her room has calmed her down make sure you say something like "you were cross weren't you? Isn't it horrid to feel like that?" rahter than asking her "why?" - she'll never know why just like we often don't know why we are furious - we just are!

Hope the rest of the day improves...give the cat a hug...

Original poster
3NAB · 24/03/2008 12:30

It was my because I felt protective of the cat. I had the cat before I met my husband so she is mine really but also a family cat.

Just got back from Asda. Had to go as I won't be able to drive.

Had to get out with DD and walk the rest of the way in the snow as she wouldn't stop hitting DS2 in the face, scratching him and ripping up his easter hat.

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gagarin · 24/03/2008 13:47

Oh dear - sounds like 2 people she feels annoyed with - the cat and her brother!

Original poster
3NAB · 24/03/2008 18:41

The way she has been today she must hate all of us

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HonoriaGlossop · 24/03/2008 18:55

I think it's so hard to deal with anger when it's there that the best thing is to try at all times to avoid it! I mean, in your OP she was sent to her room just for saying she was going to punch the cat?

Being sent to your room for venting your feelings verbally is going to make any human feel burningly angry IMO; your DH would have been better I think to talk to her about how she was feeling, make her feel he understood she was angry, and then try to move her on to other matters so that the anger is dissipated rather than increased.....

I think sometimes it seems that things are whipped up where they could be downplayed...that doesn't mean not disciplining children when absolutely necessary but making children feel understood, even when they're angry, is a very helpful thing IMO.

Original poster
3NAB · 24/03/2008 18:58

I think there might have been more to it plus an accumalative effect as she had been so defiant all morning.

Here we go again, doing it all wrong. Arghhh!

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HonoriaGlossop · 24/03/2008 19:07

well I am just lazy NAB and will do alot for an easy life so I go a long long way to avoid confrontation - if my ds is defiant then I try a million ways of getting round him, or diverting him, etc rather than face him down.

Many would say I am the one doing it all wrong

I think though that children do need to feel that their feelings are understood and that can go a HUGE way to keeping their anger levels down...instead of feeling that you have to DEAL with a child who is threatening to punch or whatever, it CAN work to look at them really lovingly and say "oh, dd I'm sorry you're feeling so awful. Poor thing"

it's just ways of damping down the emotions rather than confrontations which just end up whipping things up further imo

Original poster
3NAB · 24/03/2008 19:11

In my defense I wasn't there but since she did punch the cat yesterday maybe hubby felt threatening it should mean time out in her room.

At the minute I just can't seem how to be a mum.

It is all such a struggle. I am in pain with my hand, the house is a complete mess and I am so tired and struggling all the time.

I know, and you know I have had trouble with DS1 in the past but DD is a lot more defiant.

She kept hitting and scratching DS2 in the car today and tore is Easter hat he had made for tmw, so I got her out and me and her walked home in the snow.

I think maybe we react too much. We do try and ignore but physical and violence type things are hard too. How else do they learn it is wrong if we don't tell them?

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WalnutEGGshell · 24/03/2008 19:13

have you asked her why she punched the cat?

Original poster
3NAB · 24/03/2008 19:22

She doesn't know. Just as she didn't know why she deliberately hit her little brother in the face, scratched him and broke his hat in the car.

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pagwatch · 24/03/2008 19:27

I think you have posted before about her big brother hitting her and then saying he didn't know why.
Kids tend to copy behaviour. Perhaps it is just that. When she sees it has a negative result hopefully she will stop.
My DD copied some of her SN brothers behaviours for a while. I found talking it through calmly with her helped and it gradually passed.
Oh and lots of praise for being good. She liked it when I made her and oi the girls team and had some special time together . that helped her treat me as an allie iyswim and gave me loads of scope for close comfort contact ( like this pm we have been cuddling on the sofa watching Stardust and eating popcorn. Great

Original poster
3NAB · 24/03/2008 19:30

I have reminded her of how it used to be like with her brother and that he got in to trouble. She just grinned or pulled faces.

I feel like I don't get chance to catch a breath to work out what to say or do with them atm.

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WalnutEGGshell · 24/03/2008 19:32

you have my practically useless sympathy.

WalnutEGGshell · 24/03/2008 19:33

it does sound very attention seeking

perhaps less attention given to the unwanted behaviour - a quiet removal from the situation?

must follow my own advice with ds (2)

Original poster
3NAB · 24/03/2008 19:34

Not useless - all very much appreciated.

I really miss my nana. She would have been able to talk me through it.

I just don't know what the hell I am doing.

Too strict. Too inconsistant.

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HonoriaGlossop · 24/03/2008 19:39

I think you're right and you react too much...

they will learn that bad behaviour is wrong in two ways:

by watching you and DH interacting with each other and other children and adults in the 'proper' way

by you withdrawing your good attention when they are being naughty

(of course there will always be the odd occasion that really needs punishment I guess but the above would be a very successful general approach IMO....I think you just need to relax and trust that they will grow up fine )

pagwatch · 24/03/2008 19:40

I wasn't trying to suggest that a four year old has the capacity for a lightbulb moment - they are developmentally pretty incapeable of figuring out consequences until a clear behaviour/consequence routine is established.
Although I would love the explanatory chat with DD to work first time heaven !
But if that suggestion won't help, and you don't have time, I hope you find something that does.
FWIW DD is 5 and has not answered back or pulled a face in her life, nor has she deliberately hit her sibs or the dog( well not since she was two) - so i still tend to think it is copy-cat and will disipate with time.
Hope you find something that works.

Original poster
3NAB · 24/03/2008 19:42

So

ignore EVERYTHING that is bad/rude/cheeky/naughty/physical hurtful to each other?

praise like mad every time they do the slightest thing nice? When I praise them for playing nicely they start about 10 seconds later. If I praise too much won't it become pointless in the same way shouting/disciplining too much becomes ineffective?

I only had to look at kids I nannied for....

A man told me my son was like he has been now because I let him get away with things aged 2.

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