Worried about having kids - anyone been there?

[jello1]

I am so worried about having kids. Can anyone offer any advice? I had an abusive, addicted, mother which really put me off life, having kids, trusting. I don't think any child will like me, since I have such a hard time with my own mum.
But I'm now 37 and know that I ought to have kids soon or not at all. I do read these posts and see how hard some of you are having it, so then I think maybe I just shouldn't.
I mean, why put myself through it when I've already gone through the receiving end of it. Did any of you think like this before having kids, or am I just not cut out for it.
People tell me I'm understanding, caring... but I have gone through such tough times, I couldn't cope with recreating that negative family relationship.
Yet, I suppose deep down, I'd love to be on here as a mum, chatting with you guys. Even if I did feel crap some of the time. Was there anyone out there who feared being a mum too? What happened?

hi,
like you i didnt have a great mum, i was terrified of having children and always swore i wouldnt from a very young age, because i didnt want to recreate the situation i had grown up in.
when i was 17 tho my contraception failed me and i ended up having a gorgeous little boy. i was really concerned all through my pregnancy and after he was born for a long time. i spoke to anyone who was as far removed from my family as possible about parenting, read loads of boks trying to get it right.
my son is now 9 and i have a dd 23 months as well now. i can honestly say i dont think i'm like my mum at all. i think the fact that i desperatley didnt want to be like her helped, because i always tried to be the opposite of her. iyswim
i think just the fact that you alredy recognise what you don't want to be like shows that you care enough that if you had children. i think if you have these concerns before you even have a baby it sets you off on the right foot.
do you have a good friend network and others that can support you? i think this is really important for anyone having children not just people who didnt have an ideal childhood. having children can be very hard but it is so worth it when they give you a big hug and call you mummy.
good luck with what you decide

Hi Jello

I think that all of us worry about what kind of mum we'll make, and whether we'll be able to cope - you have a rational reason for feeling like this, though.

There's no "ought" about it - if you decide for whatever reason that you don't want to have children, then that is your right.

However, it does sound like you want kids, you are just worried about it. I suspect that that worry in itself means that you will be a very good mum. I wonder whether your own mum worried much about her maternal skills?

You do sound understanding and caring - and concerned and frightened, and I think you have all the qualities required for good mothering. You don't have to recreate your negative childhood experiences.

Parenting is a tough job and sometimes it is hard. It is also, though, the most rewarding job in the world, so please try not to let your fears stop you. If you want this, then go for it.

I do think that the one thing a woman would never regret is having a child.

No matter what life throws at you, their love and your love for them is greater and more powerful than anything and can and will carry you throw whatever shit life throws at you.

Im not saying it isnt tough. There are times when I personally would like to read a book, shut the door, turn up the music and have a glass or two of wine, but they arent babies forever.

If you want a child, then you can deal with the rest of the issues.

Sorry..Im aware I sound like a bad greetings card...

...oh yes, and I spent the whole of my first pregnancy and most of the first year or so of my daughters life worried that something would go wrong, or I was doing it all wrong..but that was pre-mumsnet . Nothing like a bit of reassurance from those going through it too, to make everything seem a whole lot easier and less scary.

I think time immunises you to all the little worries. Now I barely think twice about a banged head, but when it is all new, it is hard to know what is an emergency and what is fine.

Oh God, I woried about being a mum all throughout planning our baby and especially during pregnancy. I got that overwhelming- 'Oh my God, no turning back' feeling when me and dh did the pregnancy test. Even though we'd always talked about having kids. Oddly my husband didn't have those worries and he was really supportive and couldn't quite understand why I was crying when we'd been planning a baby since we got married. I think it's a huge pressure on women though. Firstly to actually GET pregnant, then the worry of STAYING pregnant and the fear of the labour and everything else.

I still get a bit overwhelmed by it all now really (my baby is teething and has been up most of the night!) but mumsnet is my lifeline and my sanity saver when dh is at work!

It's a tough decision to make and irreversible changes to your life will happen if you have a child. Things will change forever. Honestly though, if I could go back in time, I would do exactly the same thing.

My life has changed massively, I've been up since midnight, my breath stinks as I haven't had chance to brush my teeth yet, I haven't had chance to eat or drink anything yet so I'm starving but I wouldn't change a thing!

I think if you have any doubt about whether you actually want kids at all then now's probably not the best time to try for a baby. I always knew I wanted a child but had no idea how scared I'd be when it actually happened.

Right, gonna get off mumsnet and brush my damn teeth!

Oh and by the way, we all use mumnet as an outlet for whinging and moaning so maybe doesn't dive a true representation of motherhood! Very few threads on here say the amazing side of motherhood and the cuddles and the giggles and the heartmelting little things that babies and children do. If you read all my posts on mumsnet you'd think I was a right miserable cow and it would put you off kids for life but that's not the whole story. We all have shite days and all babies/ kids go through difficult stages and phases. It's worth it all though!

My mum is lovely, tho she has her faults like anyone else. I am a less lovely mum than her even tho i had her good example.
So having an abusive, addicted mother as a child doesnt neccesarily mean you will abuse your own children, tho it might up the stakes in a purely statistical way. The fact you are aware of it and concerned means you will seek help if you need it, im sure.
If you have a caring partner and some friends/family support you can only do as well/badly as the rest of us. Nobody is as good a parent as they would like to be, and if anyone disagrees i'd like to know how you've achieved it.

The real question is do you want children or not?

You are all so helpful. Thanks for your advice. Oh, Shitemum, that's the $100 qu. Feel like I mothered my mother. So have already been one. But, am coming to see that's not really true - I didn't get the giggles and hugs in return!
Yes, I think I have to also realise that mums let off steam - so to non-mum it looks v hard - but that's not the whole story.
Mostly, it sounds like as a mum you are on-duty 24/7. Are there any coping strategies. Or, as Glazed suggests, you just kind of get on with it. (so think I am looking at one big scary picture, informed by a difficult past.)
Then again, how do you find life w kids? Do you miss your 'old' life madly? Is it fun doing stuff with kids? (god, this is how little I know...). I mean, right now, I'd rather go out to town than go to the zoo.
Or, is it all worth it...?

Hi jello, no time to read the other posts so sorry if repeating things. I have a 4 year old and like you come from a troubled background. I think it is possible to mother a child when you didn't yourself have the best start in life but I think maybe you need a greater self awareness than others might need and potentially a lot more of a support network. I think the worst possible thing would be to have no one to turn to and to give you a break when you feel things are getting to you. All parents need breaks but a lot cope without- if you are feeling the strain of motherhood due to your past you may need it more than others. Will you have a support network, have you had any help to sort out the long term effects of your upbringing? Sorry if this doesn't make sense, have got to run and am writing this fast. My feeling is that as you wrote this post you alreaady have the self awareness to be a good mum.

hi jello, I can only agree with what other say about having a support network. As far as your latest post, it seems like most of those worries are more the ones everyone (good and bad upbringing alike) has before having kids. I have one ds (11 mo) and can tell you that from my pov it is THE hardest thing I have ever done but I would not change a thing about my life as it is now. Everyone knows the bad things, the lack of sleep, the non stop demands, the lack of me time, the way your friends without kids might stop calling and your social life dries up to nothing, the way your life just feels like it's been shaken up and turned inside out and then set back down again with a dictator in charge of everything you do, every minute of the day.

BUT BUT BUT BUT! Until you have that baby in your arms you cannot properly understand how it can be so wonderful that all of that other stuff pales into insignificance. The pure joy and happiness that my ds brings absolutely fills our life with light and love. Yes it is horribly, terribly, barf inducingly cheesey. But it is actually like that. He can cry all night, dh and I can look at each other like we want to kill someone with eye bags down to our chin and then he wakes up, gives you a big gummy grin and acts like nothing has happened and dh will look at him and say "oh my god he is just so cute" and you kind of sigh and go "yeeeeah. he is, let's get up and start the day" and all is forgiven and you just get on with it.

Can you love your kid if, at some fundamental level, you don't love yourself?

My mum used to say the vilest things to me, and have really taken these things on board.

I sort of thing that either I don't deserve to have a kid or that I'm too hideous to have a kid. And why inflict myself on someone else.

It's that bad. And it makes me very sad. Since rationally, I know I'm (hopefully!) kind, intersting and good fun, and that if anything I'm a massive people pleaser (which gets exhausting in its own way).

In fact, I see friends seemt to come to me with their probs, and this has always been the case. I think when you've been through the mill you are pretty good at helping other but rubbish at being kind to yourself. SO this site is so interesting since I think it's one of the 1st times in my life that I've even let others come and help me. I usually bottle it all up... I don't like to let my side down... I think you guys are right when you say I need a support network... generally, I need to be less isolating of myself.

I do wish I didn't feel like this - wish that having kids just felt natural, normal, something I deserve. Rather than some sort of indulgence that can never be mine.

have you had any kind of counselling to talk through some of your issues with your mum and your childhood? Is it something you would consider? I do think it's worth trying to work through some of the deeper issues before you have kids but only because they do say a happier mum tends to make happier kids. And because you should realise that you are a good person who is worth loving as much as she loves.

My mum wasn't abused or anything but her parents were rather strict, very victorian and unforgiving, very authoritarian. In her own way she has many issues of her own. She took my older sister to a psych. when she was about 10 and he ended up saying there was nothing wrong with my sister, but she should really look into therapy! lol! But she, for all her faults, loved and loves us and that much was/is obvious, and that is the most important thing, I think.

I think the fact that you had a hard childhood is less important than the fact that you don't think you love yourself. Although that doesn't mean you won't love your baby by any means.

i never wanted children as i was also concerned i would turn into my mother as we did not have a good realtionship. i have a son and even now i do worry if my next child will be a girl (12 weeks today) but know that i will never say a negaitive or derogatory comment like my mum was constantly doing to me. we are in different circumstances to our mothers, you are not an addict etc which affected the way she behaved.
because you are on this thread it just shows that deep down you want children. i say do not worry and go for it. it is hard work but so rewarding (never thought i would hear me say those words!!). if you are looking for support here you certainly have it.
take care and throw that pill/those condoms away!!

Ahh, he he, that's funny about your sister.
Yes, this is my fundamental worry - that I don't want to pass on any crao to any other people. Your mum sounds a bit like what I went through - - but didn't stop her from having kids.
I wonder whether what's happened has effectively cut-off the maternal gene in me so there's no point having kids.
It's become a big deal to me now since i know I need to have children now or just not at all (am already too old, probably!).
Have seen a therapist who told me you aren't your mum, you're nothing like her, you've got the personality type to be a good mum.
But it all still sounds so scary - like another continent. Sometimes I think all the women who have children are so different from me and we;d have nothing in common (but MN shows me you are 'human'!). Then I think, do I want to be in a situation where everything seems to become hard and a daily chore of nappies and bottles. But then, what's that all that about? I like that you describe the nice bits of having children.
I suppose it's just me looking at things all skewed because I just see the bad things.
OK, last admission. When I see a baby, it makes me just want to run away. I can't stand it and feel like everyone is looking at me feeling pity for me since I don't have a baby. I think that must be a coping strategy since believe it's never going to happen to me. I never was like this before my mother went crazy from her addictions and depression... I can't even hardly cope with writing the word 'baby' fgs.

i think it is just nerves as well as the thought that you could actually become a mum. do nto let your mum take away what you want.
and the nappy stage does not last forever saying that my ds is only 1 so i still have another year or so i think! see i have no idea either and i have a baby!! we are all learning.

Bethoo - I didn't see you message b efore I wrote. It is nice to know I am not the only one who worries. Then again, to worry before having a kid seems a bit much. I think there are women out there who are just so excited about having children. Sort of think/thought I needed to be one of them before coming off the pill. Bethoo!

Oh - it's difficult to imagine to having children when you, yourself, have had a rubbish upbringing, isn't it?

I went through the very same worries. My biggest fear was whether could be a good mother or if I would recreate the dysfunctional family atmosphere that I grew up with.

To deal with my past, I had a lot of counselling and through that, I think I become more self aware and able to rationalise and, most importantly, deal with my problems.

Two things that my therapist said that really stuck with me were:

1)having children would give me the opportunity to create the childhood that I would have wanted for myself, and that,
2) if I wanted children, and didn't have them because of my past, then that was just one more thing that my mother would have taken away from me.

My little boy is the best thing that has ever, ever happened to me. I love him more than I can describe and I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I will do everything within my power to give him a stable, happy loving childhood. Not having had that for yourself can make you very clear in your goals.

I think the fact that you're even thinking about the effect your own upbringing might have shows that you are insightful enough to deal with it all.
FMx

fridgemonkey - you're dead right.... it's as tho my mother still has control of me (your point 2). It's just damn hard isn't it. The fact that you are doing (1) is just really great though and makes me think maybe we can break the links.
Before now, I vaguely thought I was the only person who was in this confused boat.
FM, did you need loads of therapy? Have had 5 sessions and hoped this was enough (it's a bit expensive!) but I think I've stamped down the pain for so long it is only just coming out. Sorry, even now I think I sound v self indulgent saying stuff like that. You know, because as a kid of an ill mother your feelings don't count and you always put your mother first...as you might have done too?

Well, yeah, I did need a whole heap of therapy, but everyone's got different requirements. And you're not self indulgent.
What's indulgent about feeling pain?

I know what you mean about blocking it out, trouble is, it just comes out in other ways, right? And eventually it just overwhelms you, or it did me, at least.

You can break the patterns, but I needed to understand what they were first. And then I had to challenge my own perceptions, beliefs and understanding of what had gone on, and find my own version of the truth. There, that's real therapy speak for you!

It can be done, though, it's hard work, but it is worth it. And, finally, I am OK about putting myself first. Not always and not necessarily to the detriment of others, (that would make me her) but enough to make a difference, and enough to trust that I could be a good mother to my baby........

Another thing I forgot to say is it can actually take a long time to really feel like a parent even when you actually are one -i think it took me at least 3 years to feel like I wasn't a 'fake' parent after having DD. Not sure if this is to do with upbringing, I really related to your post about feeling like you were differnt to other women with children.

You guys are gorgeous. So nice to know my feelings aren't totally weird (momtoone, hah!). I have two sisters (much older than me) who escaped my mum's crap and I just don't relate to them... they are so fine about having kids. No issue, no question. FM also thanks for saying I'm not being self indulgent... when you care for an ill parent your feelings count for shite. It really makes you doubt yourself. 20 years on, I'm only now realising I've not overcome it. Even if I've hidden it beautifully. God, this weekend has been hard for me. But it is lovely to know the f'd up kids of this world can go on to have good kids. Maybe, even, we can be better cos of our experiences. Oops, maybe that's the spacey Easter Mon white wine speaking! Anyway, thanks girls. I'll report back in a few months... You've all been an inspiration and you all sound like lovely mums... xx