Anxious nine year old, climbed on window sill!

[BeethovenNinth]

Any experience?

we have three DDs. Lots going on in terms of busy house, eldest has had severe anxiety but doing better now but is having to do online school.

youngest is nine and has had zero issues until recently. She is bright, sociable, friendly and was happy at school. She has become, over the last year, a worrier - it started with dancing (which we pulled her out of), then swimming and then she got a new “shouty” teacher and so she worries about her homework being good enough etc. she is fundamentally fine though or so I thought and is performing well at school, eating and sleeping normally with good friends.

today she was playing with her sisters and there was a minor fall out and they told her they weren’t playing with her any more today. It seems that shortly after she decided to half climb out the first floor window - she had one leg inside and the other out and was holding on. Middle child saw this from the other room and got eldest child who told her to come in, and she did and burst into tears.

whereupon I was summoned from downstairs and she sobbed in my arms saying she was just overwhelmed and felt she wanted her worries to “go away”. She said they related to school and going up to high school (which triggered my eldest child’s issues) and she overheard me talking about that today to a friend. I think the subsequent fall out just made her utterly overwhelmed.

I have now locked the windows. She seems embarrassed and said she will never do anything like this again. She has eaten and is laughing and hanging out again, talking excitedly about a trip we have coming up

i feel in such a state. We have only just got eldest sorted and this has utterly shaken me as I thought she was happy. I feel this has been a cry for help in terms of telling me she is worrying. I have contacted a play therapist and will speak
to school.

DH reckons I am totally overreacting and she was just showing her sisters how pissed off she was for them falling out with her.

but I feel we should take this seriously and help her deal with her worries.

has anyone had similar? I would add I’m a real worrier and was as a child but nothing like this.

Yes, I think you should take it seriously.

But look at whether it was a "I'm stropping off" without really thinking about where she was going, an attempt to impress/get concern from her siblings (as your dh thinks) a serious attempt to hurt herself or an attention getter.

For the latter, I wonder whether you've perhaps been caught up in your older dd's problems and she's been a little bit lacking in attention, or at any rate feels that way.

As the middle dd, and the one who was seen as the one who just got on with life and all went smoothly, I sometimes did feel that my worries weren't important. You see dsis had done it first, so everything possible was known about it, and all I had to do was just do as well as her, which I never felt I was able to. #3 was the baby and as far as I was concerned thoroughly spoilt and I was regularly told how difficult life was for them (they'd almost certainly be diagnosed with ASD now) and how much easier everything was for me, so I should give way at all times for them.
And the families view on me was I was the lucky one who went through life finding it easy. So I didn't feel I could share my worries. So I didn't. I internalised them. But I did sometimes fantasise about doing something like jumping out of a window (sliding down the roof was my favourite thought) just to get sympathy and show that life wasn't always easy for me. I didn't feel I could talk about it, you see. I never did, but I did self harm from a little bit older than your dd.

I would ask for a referral to CAHMS. The waiting list is ridiculous, but it gets her on their radar. And if you can, perhaps take her out next weekend for something on her own. If you do that with all three of your dc, perhaps aim to do something with each for either a day out, or a meal, or just go for a drive in the car, about once every half term. It gives them time to talk to you on their own (in the car is great) and also for them to feel special.

Edited to say: My dm was a worrier too, and if I ever told any worries, she used to get so stressed, that was another thing that put me off talking to her. So make sure if she does confide in you, you don't show that side of you. Don't get upset, and certainly don't turn it round on you and say "I've failed you" or things like that.
Emphasise the positives-how much you love spending time with her.

Thanks margaret I fee for you as I was also middle and also impacted as you say. I have also noticed my middle in the same and she is the most ignored. In the various crisis of the last few years, I have directed my attention where most needed and the consequences are desperately unfair for the others.

we have seen CAHMS for my eldest and to be honest, it did more harm than good. They were lovely people but so utterly overworked and by the time they say low us, DD1 was eating again and so terrified of the medicalised system she shut down.

I think your other suggestions are spot on and I am going to up the time I spend with her as much as she can as she thrives on that.

thank you

Can can understand you being concerned and am a bit baffled by your DH's response if I'm honest but then my DH can be equally as dismissive at times.

Have you come across A Mighty Girl yet? They have some recommendations for dealing with stress and perfectionism here

This is my DH and it drives me bananas. It’s actually made me more of a worrier as I have to worry for us both. Time and time again I have had to prompt in to see that something is an issue eg the health of his DM before she died.

it’s now heavily ingrained in the patterns of our marriage. We had cross words last night as I said I couldn’t go out (we were meeting friends) as eldest was upset and I wanted to make sure the kids were ok. He was baffled and angry that I made him cancel.

are there many DH not like this?!

My dh is like this too!
He doesn't get that means that him saying "oh I'm sure it will be fine" every time means that it is not reassuring at all. I honestly don't know what it would take for him to be worried and express it.

It also means that sometimes it puts pressure on me to do things because he's saying "oh, they'll be fine, don't worry" when I'm thinking we need to get there asap. I remember my oldest phoning from the train saying she'd got a gall bladder attack, which gives her about 30-40 minutes of excruciating pain that she can't drive, but she likes to walk about while it is happening. She was about 5 minutes from arriving at the station in the middle of nowhere, unmanned with probably no more than half a dozen people getting off the train who would be leaving, at about 1am. And I know she wouldn't ask for help. The other worry was it was something else and she could collapse on her own.
We live about 20 minutes away. So I said me and dh would come and he could drive her car back.

I had visions of her being on her own at the station, walking around and being attacked. I was ready to leave within less than a minute of her phoning. Dh was wandering about, finding a magazine in case he had time to read, and was faffing about as though he had all the time in the world saying "well we know where she is, so she'll be fine."
Agh!