How do you deal with very bossy visiting children?

[TheAntiFlounce]

Ds1 has a friend who is two years older, and I have just had to step in and remind him that my son lives here, he is allowed to go upstairs when he wants, he is allowed to play with his toys etc

he's a nice kid, but it seems his house rules are very different, in that his older brother is left in charge for what (IMHO) is a too-large amount of time - and he seems to assume that because he is the oldest in the room it's up to him to keep everyone in line.

My house rules are that nobody gets blamed for what other people do, and siblings are not in charge of each other.

I have told him that he doesn't have to worry about what ds1 is doing, I will never tell him off for what ds1 does, I would tell ds1 off not him etc, but it's not registering.

Visiting child is 7 BTW - is it just his age? He's a nice boy, I don't want to stop him coming round, but Ds1 is getting pissed off with being told what to do all the time!

I would speak to my DC when the other child was there, reiterating your rules, and explaining that adults are in charge, and to come to you if there are any problems.

Also tell your DS that it is OK for him to refuse to do what the other child tells him.

There is quite a big difference between a 7 and a 5 year old though, so maybe your DS is happy to be bossed around a bit.

Hard to strike a balance sometimes.

No, he's not happy, that's the problem. If he was happy I would, TBH, leave them to it. he's feeling a but bruised by the whole thing, but the older child isn't trying to make him feel bad!

I find that a Nanny Mcfee style stare does the job

You are the boss.

If he's not registering what you're saying you need to say it again, more firmly and clearly.

I'm fairly firm and clear already. My exact words were "Ds1 lives here, this is his home, and you are not in charge of him. Don't keep telling him off, I am his mum and that's my job. Play nicely together please - if you have a problem come and tell me and I will sort it out."

Ah - is the visiting kid the youngest sibling?

Sounds like he's over-enjoying the chance to lord it over the younger kid.

I don't know what you've done so far, but I would make sure they were both in the room and paying attention and tell visiting boy that he is a child, and in your house that means he plays with other children, he's not in charge of other children.

Teach your ds to say very loudly HEY BUDDY, YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME so you can hear.

I would do the big stare too, if visiting boy is still being a pita bossyboots. You could also tell visiting boy that he's too old to be so silly as to think he's in charge of younger kids.

yes, he is the youngest, and I think his brother has developed over-bossiness as a result of being left in charge too much! He seems quite anxious that ds1 isn't obeying what he perceives to be universal rules (they are in fact merely his house rules) but he is a lovely child - I've made him sound worse than he is tbh.

Cross posts - am v slow typist at the mo!

Tell him you will put your ds in charge of him? I can understand your ds's frustration.

ah, this is the problem when younger siblings get rid of their older brother/sister and are given a younger child to boss about invited to play with smaller children.

they seem to turn into the oldest child on their own family and role play.........not really realising what they have done, even if they hate it with a passion themselves!!!

it is a natural part of being a younger/youngest child in a family.......and it helps them in some ways see the way roles form in families.

I realise how horrid it is when your child is on the reacieving end of a boss freak, as my DD1 was subjected to this a lot when younger, but as your children get older you then find that they in turn do this and become the embarressed mum of a 'little miss/mr bossy'.

the only thing to do is keep and eye, step in if it seems to be getting nasty rather than 'passive' bossing about, and encourage your child to get the confidence to say "NO" if he is being told to do something he doesn;t want. especially if in his own home!

is your child the eldest in your family????

Have you told him that if he is in charge, he gets to tidy up too, and the blame for anything? Could work a treat.....

yes mine is the eldest in my home is t glaringly obvious I am being PFB?

But Ds1 is more whiny than bossy with ds2, who is 2 and can be very annoying.

Poor ds1 thinking, but I don't get to boss ds2 around. Hopefully this kid isn't giving him ideas...

no, not at all PFB, but when you only have a 5yr old and younger, any and all 7yr olds seem so big and huge and horrid and loud and smelly and just BIG, that until you actually get there and realise that they are still young and sweet small and yummy you want to protect your children from them!!!!

I did....I thought that 2yr olds were awful when my teeny PFB was newborn, and rushed to protect her from her bigger huge cousins who I was convinced would squash her, and then I got a 2yr old myself and saw just that they were still tiny and babylike, and also that teeny newborns were actually quite tough.

tis all a matter of perspective I find

I think ds1 is embroiled in a 5 and 2 year olds house hold, whereas this boy is in a 10 and 7 year olds household, and the rules are very different - ds1 (PFB COMING UP HERE!) is not robust enough to stand the critisism this kid metes out - they made easter cards earlier, and he snapped at ds1 for not spelling easter correctly (although it turns out he couldn't either!)

Actually, they are the same size! Ds1 is BIG and his friend is tiny. But I see what you mean - he seems so ... old ... sometimes, I have to remind myself that ds1 will do this too, the kid's not being spiteful, he's being typically seven!

I reckon he's had a morning/all day yesterday of being bossed about by his brother and he's taking it out on your ds1 (who sounds charming)

he will learn, and also he will at some point become the bossy one too as he gets older.

my DD1 was a very very soft 5yr old, and couldn;t handle much in the way of older children.

I now tho have a DS2, who is the youngest of 5, and he is in no way like DD1 (even given the obvious gender difference)......he is very loud and able to handle himself with other older children. and also very bossy with older children who happen to be the oldest in their families.

just sit on the 7yr old when he gets too bossy........he will be used to it, and will comply much easier!!!!

Probably ... it can't be easy being bossed about all the time, subject to the whims of a sibling I was the oldest child in my family, and struggled with being bossed about.

Same child is here today with his older brother - strangely, he is not bossy when his brother is around!

It's pecking order bossiness.