DD is only 19 months and I am at a loss for how to deal with her terrible tantrums

[artichokes]

Most of the time she is lovely, affectionate, engaging, funny etc etc. But she has a TERRIBlE temper and because of her age none of the traditional techniques seem to work for me.

For exampe this morning she wanted Cheerios for breakfast. I made her some but when I asked her to get in her high chair she screamed and screamed. I tried putting her in myself and she went ballistic. In between hyperventillating and screaming she started demanded Marmite. So I made her some. She threw it on the floor and screamed and scremaed. I tried ignoring. I tried distraction. But she gets herself in such a state that nothing gets through to her. In the end she threw all the Cheerios on the floor too, so I put her on the stairs and told her it was the naughy step and told her she had to say there to calm down. She clearly did nto understand and jumped straight off, screaming more than ever and wailing for a hug. Evevntually I picked her up for the hug and put on CBeebies and she calmed. But now I have probably taught her that tantrums bring affection and Makka Pakka.

How do you deal with fierce tantrums at this age? Are they normal?

ds of 17mths has a real temper too. If he cant get his own way we have a hissy fit. Which generally involves throwing himself on floor wailing at the unfairness of it all. He also has taken to running to sofa and bashing it with his hand. I also get hit when really cross. I usually go for distraction and a firm do not hit mummy, as nothing else works and he doesnt understand about naught steps yet.

Fairly normal,at this age their understanding, language, development and self expression is not yet in synch so frustration builds up and she will try to oush boundaries while needing you to assert them. Distraction may work if you pick up the signs early enough otherwise have somewhere safe (a beanbag or floor cushion) to put her then ignore as best you can , keep talking in an even tone and busy yourself nearby without interacting. Also avoid offering too much choice ie Cheerios or toast, highchair or no breakfast yet, and stick to it. If she chooses not to eat what she has asked for take it away and perhaps subtley offer something later as a snack.

The thing is that if I ignore her she gets crosser and crosser. She comes up to me screaming and crying and tried to get me to pick her up. The other day I ignored her and she screamed and cried for 25 minutes until she was gasping for breath and coughing so much that I gave in and gave her some milk.

Her stamina for tantrum throwing is v impressive. When I compare her to her peers I feel hger tantrums are more dramatic and last longer. Maybe all mothers feel that way though.

Those that recommend ignoring, do you really ignore why they get crosser and crosser to the point of making themselves ill?

ditto hedgewitch, ignored till it stopped however long it took, no eye contact, unless out in which case strapped him in buggy and walked on, a cuddle after he calmed down, worked for ds1 and he had terrible tantrums at that age. ds2 is proving to be more chilled so far!

one afternoon ds was at the gps and they had a remote control car that he wanted but we wouldnt let him have it as it was broken. For nearly two hours he sobbed and cried. I tried everything to try to distract him to no avail. Cuddling was the only option and then he would remember about the car and off he went again. His perstitence was remarkable

I've found that most of my toddler's tantrums come from wanting things a certain way and not being able to communicate it. Once she threw an unbelievable wobbler because I didn't peel her banana correctly. Maybe you could try to get to the bottom of it with her--perhaps she wanted her cheerios in a different bowl.

I can kind of tell what issues are going to upset her and give her a choice. I don't care if she has her milk in a pink cup or an orange cup, but she does, so why shouldn't she choose? It's so hard for babies before they can say exactly what they want.

Try the book "Baby Whisperer for Toddlers"...I seem to recall one of her case study/examples was of this type

I agree a lot of it is frustration..not being able to tell you what it is thats the problem. It should get a little easier once they can communicate even simple words like cup, dummy, teddy can make life less stressful..i think you can sometimes work out what it is thats started it and try to work with that and the only other thing would be to ignore it and not give attention until it has stopped, even at this age they can she any attention as good and as a way of getting what they want to throw a tantrum and we dont want them to think thats the way to get what you want! Take it easy..my 2yo is going threw the motions at the moment and trying to push boundaries and being very defient..understands what you say but completely ignores it! And we are getting the sulking thing atm..we are all in same boat so any ideas welcome hey! Interested as to what works for others!!

And yes its normal..as a mum of 4..i can say without a doubt its very normal!

For my DS it was very much about wanting things in one particualr way, so I used to 'involve' him by offering two bowls and letting him choose, 2 cups, 2 different cereals etc

It seemed to help him if he felt he was getting his own way

It it, unfortunately, completely normal - DD (now 2.5 yo) and her little friends are exactly the same (one in particular has huge amounts of stamina and staying power). I'd agree with the tactic of letting them choose. I started doing this when DD was about the same age and it did help to ward off some of the unreasonableness. Although be warned that

a)the act of choosing sometimes seemed to take forever (I would be inwardly screaming with frustration!) and

b) toddlers are contrary creatures and even if DD chose, for instance, the pink bowl, you can bet your life she would have changed her mind 2 minutes later!

I found the Toddler Taming book by Dr Christopher Green helpful in understanding DD - also v reassuring about what's normal toddler behaviour.