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I CANT COPE! 3 year old tantrums are off the scale!

6 replies

GreenSippyCup77 · 29/01/2024 10:09

Not having a very good time of it with my recently turned 3 year old DS. He’s always had the odd quite bad tantrum but the last few weeks they seem to be getting worse and lasting longer. He’s just had an epic one trying to get him to nursery. Normally he’s happy as anything to go. But today decided he didn’t want to. I managed to get him in the car but he screamed the whole way. Had to force him out the car when we got there, barely managed to carry him through the door, with him kicking and screaming. Honestly I don’t feel like I’m describing very well how bad it was! Luckily his key worker somehow managed to get him through his class door and apparently he’s calmed down since I got home but it was truly awful.

I had another one on Saturday where we were supposed to be going to my parents house as we always do. DS again decided he didn’t want to. Both me and my husband tried and failed to get him in the car (we’d been at the playground in the morning). He rolls around on the wet floor of the car park with us wrestling him trying to pick him up and get him in his seat. He’s so strong (and strong willed) I really struggle to even hold him properly. Anyway this tantrum lasted a good couple of hours. I managed to get him in his car seat eventually ( I really didn’t want to give in and not go, as I didn’t want him to think he can do this every Saturday!) he fell asleep on the way, then carried on screaming when we arrived. Wouldn’t go in the house etc etc. He did calm down eventually (probably after about another 2 hours) but again, it was so hard! He then had a great time playing and didn’t want to go home 🙄

I know the best thing to do is ignore, keep consistent and not give in. I just feel like the worst mum in the world when it’s happening. Especially when I’m trying to carry him/force him in to the car or pram and feel like I’m hurting him by being so forceful! (I’m not hurting him just feels that way). It’s awful when he’s scrambling around on the floor as well, he gets soaking wet and dirty, heaven knows what passer-by are thinking!

I guess I’m just looking for any solidarity of others going through the same, not that I wish this on anyone else! Or any stories of parents who have been through the same and come out the other side?! Honestly when he’s not tantruming he’s the loveliest little thing. I’m just looking for some comforting/encouraging words to get me through this and stop me feeling like I’m the biggest failure of a mum 😩

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
GreenSippyCup77 · 29/01/2024 13:14

Please tell me it’s not just me 😅

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skkyelark · 29/01/2024 15:23

It's not just you! And when I see someone else's small child doing this, all I think is 'oh dear, they're having a tricky day' (both the parent and the child).

Firstly, the basics – are they tired, hungry, need the toilet, hot/cold, poorly? Any changes in their life recently? My generally-very-reasonable-for-a-toddler DD1 threw a few of these in the months after DD2 was born, despite adoring her baby sister. There were a good few more over bedtime. (She still resents that we need to sleep at 4.5 years old, but manages said resentment much better, although we still get the occasional brief strop over it.)

How does he respond to 'toddler's choice', so like getting in the car, do you want me to lift you in or do you want to climb in yourself? Do you want to put your shoes on first or your coat? Playful ways of doing things (hop to the car like a rabbit, stomp like a dinosaur) also help for us. I do then get to 'I'm going to count to three and then I'm going to choose for you', but even then you can sometimes make it a 'fun' choice, so I choose flying to the car like a rocket, i.e., I'm going to carry you, like it or not, but zooming motions and rocket noises still sometimes head off the tantrum.

I've also found that if they're losing it, past the point of giving choices or counting to three, and something has to happen, it's often best to do it quickly and get it over with. It just seems to build and build at that point, and scooping them up and into the buggy/out of the bath/whatever as quickly as possible once the tipping point is reached seems the kindest way through it for us.

I would say that the flip side of that is if they are trying to get themselves calmed down – I would always try to support them in that if at all possible rather than pushing through to whatever needs to happen (recognising that occasionally time pressure is such that you really, really can't). So I give cuddles, give a bit of space, sing, reassure them that I've got them and I'll help them, whatever works for them. DD1 sometimes used to be able to nod or shake her head when asked 'would X help?' when trying to stop tantruming.

Sorry, that was long, but hopefully something in it is helpful, if only the solidarity.

GreenSippyCup77 · 29/01/2024 16:37

@skkyelark thank you so much for your reply! Some really great tips in there. I do find he’s more likely to tantrum if he’s tired or hungry. He woke up in the night last night which is (thankfully) quite unusual these days, so he was probably extra tired this morning going to nursery. He was happy when I picked him up saying he had a great time so I feel a bit better about it all now! They forget about these things much quicker than us poor parents do!

I do try and offer as many choices as possible, he loves to think he has some power! Normally when he gets in the state I’ve mentioned above though, choices, even fun ones, don’t make any difference. I guess it’s about trying to nip a tantrum in the bud before it starts. Easier said than done though!

But great to know I’m not the only one, so thank you!

OP posts:
Shymama · 30/01/2024 16:14

You're not alone, I can't offer any words of wisdom as I'm going through it myself!
Commenting on the hopes someone appears with a miracle resolution.
It's SO hard but glad to know I'm not alone in it too even though I wish we didn't need solidarity ❤️

skkyelark · 30/01/2024 21:50

Oh, there is definitely a point of no return where no amount of choices or playfulness is going to help! They're beyond being able to make choices at that point, I think. That's where I just try to get them dressed/in the car/out of the bath/whatever as quickly as possible.

Sunshine0985 · 28/06/2024 13:05

Hi I am going through similar as you, I know it’s an old post but wanted to see how you were getting on now, if anything helped?

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