bad mum, naughty son?

[Naya]

Hi. I'm new to this board but am actively looking for some kind of support or understanding from other parents out there. I have a 4 year old going on 5 and I am having a really hard time of it. My son has not yet had any formal diagnosis other than needing speech therapy, which he has been having for about a year. However he has seen psychologist/ psychiatrist, behaviour therapist, had social skills group, seen school Dr, who did say that his motor developement was delayed so refering him to occupational therapist and also made a slight reference about how sometimes bad behaviour in school can be a result of other troubles he's having, frustration, confusion, etc. She's refering him for an EEG. .. so far I've found myself wondering if it's sensory integration dysfunction, or an autistic spectrum disorder..? but I don't know and I doubt anyone is going to tell me anytime soon. All I know is that there is something not quite right with my son. He becomes aggressive and throws things, used to be just at school but now at home too.. He is always touching other children, pushing them, or hitting them, impulsively. and I have to collect him early from school each day, he only goes mornings but he can't last the whole morning without being disruptive near the end. Who knows what will happen when he's supposed to start full days after xmas? The other kids just say he's naughty and set him up to get in even further trouble. I was a confident mum until we started at nursery when all my dreams of halcyon days were shattered. Every day I go to collect him from school my stomach is in knots expecting bad news. ie. he's pushed someone down stairs or thrown something and left a child with a bump on the head, or he's shouting and in a rage, kicking the teacher or destroying the head teacher's office. It's been a negative downhill spiral because I have finally gone and lost sight of it all. I am stressed and depressed and feel pressured to get his behaviour under control. I have tried time outs, toy confiscation, removal of priveleges, star charts, and eventually even a smack across the bottom (which only makes him angry), although on occassion it has been useful to stop a hysterical rage and calm him down. He accepts his time outs, he is proud of his stars on his chart but none of these things seem to be able to inhibit the behaviour in the first place. He says he is sorry but he can't control his "naughti-mess". I seem to be starting each day with hope, a smile and then shortly after a figurative slap in the face. I sing show tunes, give him hugs, I try everything to send him to school in a good mood but the harder I try the more let down I feel when it all goes wrong.Even though it isn't every day it's hard to keep a cheerful perspective. The educational psychologist made me feel like an idiot. As though I hadn't thought to mention to my son that throwing things was wrong? I am a single parent, and I am beginning to feel like a bad mum because I am so outside the circle of other parents outside the school gate who do the parenting I was expecting to do. Greeting my son with a hug at the school gate and asking merrily what he did at school. Instead I feel isolated and guilty for somehow creating the problems my son is having. I fed him organic baby food, I hugged him, sang lullaby's, took him swimming and to play groups and told him not to snatch toys and to be gentle to the animals and other children, I taught him to share.. but now I am doubting that I did anything right. My son is sad and I am angry and I feel bad because I am so stressed that sometimes I take it out on him and shout things I don't mean.which is terrible because he has a low self esteem as it is and he breaks his own things and doesn't value his own efforts. He tells me he is a naughty sad boy. It breaks my heart. he is so loving, and special and unique that I just feel wretched... It can't be helpful to him hearing person after person discussing his short comings either.. I feel so sorry for him but I have lost my sense of humour. Before he started at school we used to laugh together and listen to music. Now I shout, he screams, he cries and I die a little more each day inside. He was such a happy baby. I love him to bits. I just wish I knew how to make it all better.

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Naya I am so sorry, your message brought a tear to my eye. Towards the end of your post I found myself wondering about your son's father... is he around, or have you gone through a separation or divorce recently? Do you think perhaps his problems could be emotional? I guess until you get the relevant test results, you won't know if there is a physical or medical cause for his behaviour. Is your son still seeing any of his psychologists/therapists? I hope you can get to the bottom of this soon... all the best. xx

With an intelligent, lovely and sensitive mother like you he has everything in his favour. I'm sure it's hard, but I think you will get through it. Love the litle brat, is all you can do.

Sorry if that sounded/read trite

I really hope you have good luck.

xxxxxx

Naya, I'm sorry, I don't know what to say either, other than agree with the others that you sound like a wonderful mum doing a good job in difficult circumstances. Even those of us with "easy" little boys find them immensely trying at times and say or do things that jar horribly with the image of the parent we hope to be.
I have no experience of this sort of thing, but I would guess that what needs to happen quickly for you both is a diagnosis and a statement of special needs for your ds. If he is aware that his behaviour at school falls short of what's required, and that what he does makes you sad, and he is a loving little boy with you, then I would maybe say that it's unlikely to be an autistic spectrum disorder on its own.
I also think it's a big leap for you both starting nursery if you have previously spent most of your time together, and that change upsets parents and pre-schoolers all over the world...often with a resulting blip in the child's behaviour. And there is also the theory that a testosterone surge in boys rising four suddenly drastically impedes their ability to sit still and concentrate. So, yes, to me it does sound as though he needs some extra help, but there could be other factors which are temporary and which will improve...a lot, in the next few months.
So sorry you found the educational psychologist so patronising and I really hope the school can help you both - you need the support.
Welcome to Mumsnet, Naya. Keep posting about your ds if it helps - he is so lucky to have a mum like you.

Naya I can only reiterate what the others have said. One thing though I have had to change nurseries for my 3 year old as his key worker couldn't take charge to save her life. He was being aggressive to the other children and a lot was being blamed on his delayed speech. When I withdrew him from the nursery the owner rang me up to apologise to say she has been observing him in the last few weeks (since we had been in to have a chat) and agreed the girl couldn't take charge and a lot of ds' naughtiness was down to this, apparently her husband reminded her that when boys aren't treated fairly they tend to rebel, the other children soon learn that they can do things and blame it on the naughty one. Now he is in the new nursery who know all about his past, the key worker is very firm and fair and ds is flourishing. How is the teacher at the school? Is it feasible to change schools? What does your gut instinct say? I felt all along there was nothing wrong with ds. He was doing fine in the nursery until his key worker left to have a baby and the new one turned up - she was such a wet weekend. I used to dread going to pick him up, they used to have to take his shoes off because they felt he was going to hurt someone by kicking them. Now its such a relief, he's happy and coming along in leaps and bounds. Its like an adult going to work, if you have a boss who is fair you don't mind but if you've got a real b then you hate going and tend to take the p* more. Its worth looking into though don't you think Naya? How was he before you took him to this school?

Naya Hi- I'm the mum of a three year old with an autistic spectrum disorder. To me your son sounds (form your short description) as if he could have dyspraxia. An OT would be able to help with this, but waiting lists are very long. It may be worth searching on the internet- and have a look at the "dyscovery centre" (a search on google will get you there). I have a feeling health visitors can refer you there - I'm finding this out at the moment so I'll post back when I know more (should hear more next week).

In the meantime it mght be worth getting hold of a copy of the "out of sync child". It's next on my list to read. t describes children with sensory integration dysfunction (both dyspraxia and autistic spectrum disorders fall under this umbrella). Another good book - which should be in the library is Developmental Dyspraxia by Madelain Portwood.

When DS1 started nursery I had a terrible time as well. I know exactly what you mean - I used to drive up with a knot in my stomach. In our case he wasn't naughty- just didn't interact but they used to make me feel so bad. They told me he wasn't speaking because I talked over him, and they wouldn't give him pudding because he didn't use his fork to eat chicken nuggets and chips (he was 22 months and dyspraxic!!!- He still can't use a fork at age 3). Awful time. I removed him, then with a great deal of worry put him in another nursery that was recommended and he's brilliant. He's futher behind his peers than he was at 22 months, his behaviour is harder to deal with, but the nursery really do well and have brought him on so much. The difference in attitude is incredible. School I can't see working (too noisy for starters) so I'll probably home ed for a few years at least when we get to that stage. But it is not your parenting I promise you. Your sound like you are doing everything to understand your little boy. If he has some sort of sensory integration dysfunction that is what he needs - not the school saying he is naughty. And for what it's worth I have yet to meet an ed psych who knows his from his elbow (not usually this polite but I'm on Mumsnet :-) ). HTH

Naya, It could have been me writing your post a few years ago, your situation is very similar to the problems that I was experiencing with my ds. It has taken me at least 3 years to get a diagnosis for my ds because like your ds his problems are quite complex. From my experience if a health professional can't label the problem then you will be referred to a number of professionals over a period of time to get the correct diagnosis. A child aged 3 years difficulties can change as they get older. It isn't until a child who has a combination of difficulties is aged at least 6 or 7 years that a correct diagnosis can be made. When my ds started reception I was told by the school paediatrician that he could have a mild form of autism, she referred ds to see a speech therapist but he would have to be on a very long waiting list. I immediatley took him to a private speech therapist and she said he didn't have any signs of autism and his speech is fine. My ds has seen a number of professionals over the years and now he is aged 6 years he has been diagnosed as having DAMP (defecits in attention and motor perception). DAMP is similar to ADD. He has regular visits from the Occupational therapist and his motor skills are improving. He now has a statement of special needs and he receives 1:1 help, his behaviour, concentration and standard of schoolwork is improving. From what you have written about your ds his behaviour sounds very similar to ADHD (attention defecit hyperactivity disorder) the hyperacitvity can make children hit out for no particular reason. ADHD children are generally very bright and because they get bored easily they become frustrated and hit out. Maybe the reason why he is hitting other children is because he can't express himself clearly, the speech therapy will help him overcome this. Please don't blame yourself for his behaviour, in my opinion it's the mums that are asking for advice on mumsnet and seeking professional help for their children that are the most caring mums. It might be worth asking the head teacher if there are any other children with similar problems in the school and seeing if you can arrange for a chat with their parents. I have done this and it really helped me see things differently. Also arrange for your child to be moved to another class. I wish you luck Naya.

Naya - I can't add any advice, as I really don't know what I would do in your situation. I know that feeling of being driven up the wall, reacting and then hating yourself for it - but my son's only 2 3/4 and just being a typical troublesome toddler. I don't know how I'd feel if I was going through all this in a couple of years time and I wasn't sure what the cause was or where to turn to for help. All I can say is that my heart goes out to you and that I hope you find the right people to help you through this.

Naya,
I can't add anything to what the others have said. Except that I'd like to give your son a big hug it sounds like he is coping as best as he can, too. He's not a bad kid, he just has forces operating inside him that he can't quite control. I think you have to ignore all the critics outside and inside and just love him for what he is, and keep pestering the school/social services/etc. until you get an assessment and treatment regime to help you and help your DS to be the best person he can be.

Hi naya,

I won't add much to this brilliant advice, but I hope you find mumsnet a scource of strength. As a mother of two sons I have got so much out of reading about other parent's experiences here.

My sons have never been referred to professionals, so I can't offer any advice there, but I do know that feeling of isolation at the school gates. When teachers or nursery workers take you to one side to tell you of the latest mishap, it is so easy to feel your child is the only one behaving like this. Teachers are not, of course, allowed to talk about any other child to you. But I bet that some of the mothers you see at the school gates have had to see the teacher about their children, too. It's just that no one lets on. Read mumsnet and you'll see you are certainly not alone.

I also agree with marina and others who say that starting school is not an easy time for many children and the apparent testosterone surge at four years old does nothing to help boys behaviour.

I send you a big cyberhug.

Naya - do you need him to go to school so you can work? If not, how about withdrawing him from school for a while. it seems to be making both of you very, very unhappy. I was very moved by your post and it does sound as if his problems started with school. If I were you and had the choice, I would bring him back home for another year. I think four is very young for school (my pet obsession, I'm afraid) and while some children thrive, lots don't. I found an interesting article on www.hawthorn.press/bboys/biddulph.html by Steve Biddulph about boys in particular going to school too early. Please don't let it spoil your lovely relationship. I feel so much for you both. Also maybe try the books which I see recommended on here so often, The Secrets of Raising Happy Children ( I think) and Raising Boys by Steve Biddulph. I think I have the names right, but I'm sure others will correct me if I'm wrong. They sound like supportive books, not 'telling-off' ones, if you know what I mean. I think you need something to take the pressure off you as the shouting/smacking is making both of you feel bad - and if not going to school will do that, then that is certainly something to consider. I'm sure he learned more at home with you reading books and singing than he does at school at present. Also, I think you are completely correct to say that people discussing his problems in front of him are not helping. I'd stop that if at all possible, and have those discussions in private. My 14month old now understands so much more than he says, and I am very careful what I say in front of him -eg never mention what he can't do, only what he can. Do give your lovely boy a big hug.

Naya, your message made me so sad, especially the bit about your DS sayign he's a naughty sad boy. I second the advice given here, yes difficulty in communicating can lead to frustration (we have had that problem a bit). All children do naughty things of course, and we all have experience of how hard it is to make them stop. The trick is I think to find the cause if possible. Persevere with the various therapists you are seeing to try to find what is wrong. But you sound like such a loving mother I'm sure you will find a way out of this. Thinking of you.

Naya, you've had some really good messages here, and I can only reiterate what others have said. I am in training to become a teaching assistant for children with special needs, and the school where I am working has children who have behavioural disorders as well as special needs. The school is excellent at dealing with them, and making them feel part of the class instead of isolating them. So reading what you said about the school I feel very strongly that they are not used to dealing with such children. Are there any other schools in your area you could try?

I doubt very much your son's behaviour is down to you at all. He sounds very frustrated and the way the school have treated him has actually exaggerated his problems. His GP and psychologist will be exploring every avenue, so please don't take it personally if you ask you about his home situation, they just have to be certain. He could be autistic, or he could even be gifted, gifted children are often misbehaved in school as they are bored, frustrated and feel isolated from the other children.

I don't know where you live, but here in Lancashire there is a charity called All Children Together (ACT) which supports parents and children who are having difficulties. They will be able to give you advice and support, practical help, home visits and so on. They might have an office in your area or know of a local organisation that could help, their number is: 01772 524136. You could also try SureStart, another charity that aims to improve the health and wellbeing of children, they do activities, home visits, drop in centres and so on, they have a website here . Your GP and/or Health Visitor should have a list of support agencies that will not only support your son but you to, if you need a third person to be with you when you pick him up from school, or to talk to the teachers with you, or someone to accompany you to the psychologists or GPs. Very often we think, 'Damn, I didn't say that or ask that' and these people will know exactly what to say and what to ask and they will make sure that you are listened to and that you understand everything that is going on.

I wish you all the best. You sound like a great mum, you are doing the very best for your son, which is all you can do. Believe me, I wish a few more mums at my school were like you! Don't give up just yet, fight for yours and your sons rights and get all the support you can, this is not a battle you can fight on your own. Good luck.

Dear Naya.I really feel for you. I hope in all of this that you can make some time for yourself to both heal your anguish and rebuild your inner resolve and strength. I find Rescue Remedy helps on those bad days as maybe some yoga breathing/stretches and positive visualisation before you hit those school gates! Long country walks or whatever makes you feel great. Please don't forget that theres nobody more important than you..

Sorry, the article I mentioned is at www.hawthorn.press.com/bboys/biddulph.html. One day I will learn to do links. Then I will learn how to text and to store numbers in my mobile phone...

Each time I read your message I feel so sad for you both. I hope you have a lovely Christmas together and that you don't go to full days at school afterwards.

Hi Naya. What a horrid time you're having- I'm so very sorry to hear that you're feeling under the cosh and awful and worried at the moment.

I think there's some great advice here and especially agree that it sounds like the school need to think very hard about how they can meet your little boy's needs better.

It also sounds like you need some more day to day support and advice.

I wish I had time to write more. Would you mind telling me where you live? If you want to say either online here or by emailing me ([email protected]) I might be able to put you in touch with some organisations that can help more.

Take care. xx

Dear Naya

I agree that removing your DS from school for a while may do you both a lot of good. I have no experience of the referral system or even educational experts. It just seems to be that he is getting a lot of negative experiences at school and this is affecting his self-esteem.

It is perfectly reasonable to keep him off school until he is at least 5. Infact, I believe Scandinavian research has shown that early schooling has little benefits in the longterm.

Good luck and sounds like you're doing a grand job. He is lucky to have you as a mum.

Hi Naya, I know this was posted 20 years ago and you may not even receive this message but I am intrigued to know what happened with your son.Was he diagnosed with ADHD by any chance? Or did his issues resolve over time? Here’s hoping you’re still able to pick this message up… xx