shy mum with shy kids

[shymum]

Both dh and myself are quiet reserved people who sometimes find social situations a bit of a challenge.

Ds1 has been a bit antisocial since birth - never one to smile at people he doesn't know, or readily join in activities, always a bit clingy and extremely self-conscious. We've taken him to lots of different places, and tried to encourage him to join in and make friends, but apart from 2 close friends, he positively shuns any friendly advances from other kids.

Trouble is today at school (he's 5 and in reception) his only close friend in his class started to bully him, and being how he is he didn't stand up for himself. His teacher said we should try to arrange playdates more with other kids at school, but i would find this difficult as i've not made any friendships with the other mums (although i started being friendly with a few i see them very little and now they seem to have moved on without me).

Truth is i am going to find it very difficult myself - the rare occassions i do pick ds up from school i now feel a bit of a social outcast. I try to be friendly but have been upset when i don't get anything back. My mum usually picks up ds and guess what - she doesn't speak to anyone either!

I have good relationships with people at work and my family, and a few friends i can socialise with. I would say Dh is my best friend. But days like this really depress me - and i don't want ds to go through life with what i would almost call a disability. Maybe that's a bit strong but every now and then (probably when i'm hormonal) i feel incredibly down about my own social inadequacies.

Sorry if this is a sad depressing rant but i would appreciate to hear from anyone who has managed to turn a situation like this around. On the plus side ds2 is a more outgoing and friendly kid, and much happier in himself.

Should i just accept that ds1 isn't a "mixer" and love him for who he is, or try to change him?

Anyone?

hi, shymum, have you heard of a technique, not too sure what its exact name is, but its basically acting hwo you'd like to be, until it sort of become a reality, sort of like just act happy, confident and smily until that how you raelly feel.

overall do you feel happy how things are for you? socially wise?

i bet most folk that seem v confident, are
not really underneath.

also it would be a v boring world if we where all the same

Being shy isnt a terrible thing. In fact, I rather loathe the word "shy". It has such negative connotations.

We can't all be extroverts - what a boring world that would be! As long as he is confident in his self, and has a positive level of self esteem, then it doesnt matter if he doesnt have all the children following him around in the playground, or isnt the first to stick his hand up for something.

Try reading a book called "The Highly Sensitive Child" by Elaine Aaron. You might find it will help you too

Hi shymum. My dss are a lot older now - 13 and 14. When ds1 was younger he was terribly shy and only had one or two friends at most. I used to worry terribly about him as ds2 was like yours more outgoing.
Ds 1 was like this until he was 12 then he changed overnight! He still has a smaller group of mates than ds2 but is always out, phone always ringing and so on.
I remember when he was at nursery they said he used to go whole sessions without opening his mouth once.
I am a TA in reception and we have some children that just don't interact with the others at first, but they start to get invited to birthday parties and so on.
I don't think you can change your ds, he will blossom at his own pace.
And btw you don't sound socially inadequate to me,you seem like a lovely, caring person .

Most of the time i am happy. every now and then, something will happen that makes me remember i don't fit in, and i get fed up. i do bounce back though. I do think i'm socially wise and am tolerant and can get on with most people. It's just making friendships i find difficult. Will give the technique a go tomorrow

Hello sm
Is there any way you can bite the bullet and rekindle friendship with one of the other mums so that your DS can have a playdate? You say you feel like a social outcast but I bet the other mums don't see you that way, they probably just have got out of the habit of chatting to you as you've not been around.
Also I found the book "Feel the fear and do it anyway" had some useful ideas in it.
Good luck!

vvq i agree the word shy, does have negative connotations.
also alot of "loud" people can be quite annoying aswell

ddance thanks for the positive story. I think i know this deep down as i'm much better now than i was in school so i know things can change.

VVV will look out for the book, thanks.

sm, good luck with the allday tomorrow xxxxxxxxxx
bet theres loads of other mums that would love to have a nice friend like you xxxx

Hi Shymum,
I'm a little bit shy myself So I know how you feel. I've got two children, my dd has always been outgoing, talkative and the first to strike up conversations with whoever. My son on the other hand has always been shy to the point that he covers his eyes if someone looks at him. He is loads better now but he still won't say hello people. So what I'm saying is that kids are who they are to some extent.

I think you should keep putting your son in situations where he has to mix with other kids, like cubs, soft play, swimming etc and take him regularly so he gets to know a wider group of children. You don't have to get to know other mums to do this but just be willing to get your son out and about, you can just read a book if you want (I often do).
I think your son just needs to build up his confidence, he is still tiny really and the more contact he has with kids who want to play with him, the more reassured he will feel.
Take care

AHM I do think i need to do this and am resolved to plan something for easter. Dh has talked about the book (does it also talk about bungie jumps etc? - he lvoes stuff liek that)

Yes,good luck sm. Agree with lionbeast.YOu would be a lovely friend. Lots of Mums may not come immediately across as 'shy', but there are a lot of lonely people out there who need a friend.

thanks gp it's good to know other people sometimes feel the same. We used to go to soft play a lot when i was on maternity leave but haven't been lately - will give it another go

Agree that putting him in situations where he'd have more fun mixing with others would help, as long as he doesnt feel bad, or feels like he's done wrong if he doesnt want to mix.

Being shy is not a character flaw or fault. It's fine for children to be reserved, and want to sit back and watch for a while, or absorb the atmosphere rather than diving in. What's important is that they feel happy in themselves, and have confidence in their own self and not feel like they should be something they are not.

Thanks for all your comments everyone - am off to bed now (ds2 is early riser) but will sleep easier now!

night night sm xxx

Oh I agree there are loads of us out there that are the same. It's difficult to comprehend sometimes that at least 25% of the population are actually the same as us

And we get such a bad press too dont we?

Often considered rude, aloof, snippy, chippy, anti-social, stuck-up and many other phrases that folk interpret our nervousness or reluctance to be at the forefront in social situations. I often find that proclaiming shyness will usually guarantee someone saying they feel exactly the same in a group of people.

Oh, and the woman who looks miserable and always stands on her own in the playground....she's one of us too .

hi how about helping out in the class room time permitting of course.This would enable you to get to know kids and their parents better??

I agree with lionbeast, I think practically everyone can be shy in certain situations, I can be and I don't consider myself as being particularly shy. Doing what she suggests acting like it until it becomes easier is a good idea, one which I think most people do anyway.

Shymum, just because you are shy does not mean that you don't fit in! I know how you feel though, I often struggle for things to say in certain situations and ALWAYS feel that people would just prefer not to talk to me as I am a little bit 'odd'! I often worry that I may come accross rude as I have no idea what to say to people, other tiimes when I try really hard to say something, I try too hard and just say something wierd which again makes people think I'm odd!

I am very similar to you really. I have a small handfull of really close friends who I am comfortable with but I always feel a bit of an outsider when I take ds to baby clubs. My dh is my bestfriend too and I think that's the best way! It's great that you have that too.

I understand your concerns about your ds 'inherriting' your shyness but I really wouldn't worry too much. Often kids like this are often very sensitive (not a bad thing at all!), intellegent and the few friends they make as they grow up will be life long, not flavours of the month as I call them! My other best friend is a girl I have been best friends with since we were 8 and it's a far healthier friendshipthan most who are friends one minute and at eachothers throat the next. I think kids like this tend to value theor friends more as they know they are not easily replacable.

Personally, as long as your son can socialise with children in certain circumstances and has the confidence to talk to the teacher (eg ask a question or ask to go to the loo!) I would prefer my ds to be a little reserved, rather than over confident and intimidating. I don't know about you but I find really confident people quite scary and always think that it's either an act and they're fake or that they really do have their head up their own arse! I hated confident kids when I was younger, always made me feel inferior. I'd much rather be like us!

Hi Shymum, I could have written your post word for word! I feel exactly the same way, especially regarding my dd (3).
In fact I spent most of last night moaning to dh about it and generally feeling sorry for myself.

I think deep down we know that the most important thing for our children is that they have got good self esteem and confidence, and that doesn't necessarily equal 'social butterfly'; but it does get me down on particularly negative days.

I personally think you (and I!) should give ourselves a break and just work on doing things that make us happy, and in turn our dcs will follow!

Can't you tell I'm in a much more positive mood today .