explaining death to a 4.8 years old

[cantputfingeron]

I never thought this type of questions would come up so early, but ds (reception) has been asking about death since they have started talking about Jesus and Easter at his religious school.

He asked me today when and how his grandmother died, was she very old, was she in pain etc etc. I tried to make it as light as possible as she died 15 years ago and he's always seen her picture and knows she is not on this earth anymore.

But then he asked why his other grandmother (my mother) who looks much older is still alive.
He then asked, will she die? Do all old people die? He loves his grandmother and was nearly in tears by now.

He was finally in tears and told me that he doesn't want to grow up and he doesn't want to become old as he doesn't want to die!

I am at loss to how to explain this to him as I didn't expect this sort of questions so early. I didn't expect him to be so upset, so I feel that I need to give him a honest explanation which will reassure him and make him feel better.

Any tip would be great. I just want to make him feel happy and careless again...

Ohh, so sad . I tell my ds that people never really die, there bodies get old and there spirits, the bit inside that makes them think, goes to heaven. People never really die because they live in peoples hearts and in peoples thoughts. Although his gran died, he still remembers her and loves her and this is how people live forever. Everyone leaves a mark on the world, some write books, some become doctors and help thousands of people so all of these people remember them, and their families remember them too. When people get old, god wants them back so that he can listen to all that they have learned so that he can make the world a better place. He takes people at different times, mostly when they are old, sometimes a bit younger so people enjoy life, have fun, learn alot and meet lots of people because this is what you should do.

It's probably twaddle but it's a nicer view of death.

My DS1 was around that age when he came to quite a dramatic understanding of death.

I had already answered questions about it and I thought he more or less understood.

But one day he was walking on a wall in a very dangerous way and I said something like 'Don't or you will hurt yourself badly, or even die.'

He lightly replied 'Yes but that wouldn't be the end of the world, would it.' and I said 'Yes!

He ran over to me and punched me! He was furious, and it seemed evident that he was furious because he had suddenly realised that he would die.

Oh Threadworm - your poor DS.

On the other hand my DS who is 6.5 has asked about death too. A couple of weeks ago we were in the car and he asked how you get to heaven. I replied that I didn't know. Then he said "so when you die all your important bits go to heaven so if you are a man, your heart and your willie go to heaven".

Think about it - it makes a funny picture in your head of all these willies flying up to heaven!

cpfo - I think you just have to keep reassuring him that generally people don't die till they are old and that for him that will be a long long time away.

(And I love the idea that the heart and the willy are the most important bits.)

Oh dear this brings back memories.

My DS, at age 4, was also very worried about death and full of difficult questions.

I didn't know how to handle it either. The best piece of advice I got was "do WHATEVER it takes to reassure them."

If that means introducing them to religion, or talking about heaven, then do that. What I'd add to that is: talk about it as much as they want to, and don't avoid the subject no matter what.

You might find that the source of their fear is actually not dying in and of itself, but leaving you, so you should address that too. That turned out to be a big part of it for DS, and is apparently not that uncommon.

I don't think they ever go back to that 'carefree' state once they start to grapple with things like death.

I guess it's why toddlerhood is so magical.

But you can help him come to terms with it, as we all have to - just get on with life even though we have the knowledge of death.

My ds is five and since he was about 4 he has spoken and thought about death. I think it's important they feel they can talk about it whenever they need to. totally agree with Expat that alot of the fear children have is of their parents leaving them by dying so we've had lots of conversations about how usually this happens when children are big and grown up and live away from their parents with their own families.

Let him talk is the main thing I think and don't think you can ever get him back to completely carefree, he will have many moments of course but once it's there the knowledge doesn't go, it's just that they've got to be helped to deal with it.

There are some great answers here. I asked this question about a month ago here as DS was asking these sorts of questions (he's 4.7), and these answers are really helpful.

Waterbugs and Dragonflies

by Doris Stickney.........................................

Waterbugs and Dragonflies : Explaining Death to Young Children"
Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water bugs. They were a happy colony, living far away from the sun. For many months they were
very busy, scurrying over the soft mud on the bottom of the pond. They did notice that every once in awhile one of their colony seemed to lose interest in going
about. Clinging to the stem of a pond lily it gradually moved out of sight and was seen no more.
"Look!" said one of the water bugs to another. "One of our colony is climbing up the lily stalk. Where do you think she is going?" Up, up, up it slowly went....Even
as they watched, the water bug disappeared from sight. Its friends waited and waited but it didn't return...

"That's funny!" said one water bug to another. "Wasn't she happy here?" asked a second... "Where do you suppose she went?" wondered a third.

No one had an answer. They were greatly puzzled. Finally one of the water bugs, a leader in the colony, gathered its friends together. "I have an idea". The next one
of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise to come back and tell us where he or she went and why."

"We promise", they said solemnly.

One spring day, not long after, the very water bug who had suggested the plan found himself climbing up the lily stalk. Up, up, up, he went. Before he knew what
was happening, he had broke through the surface of the water and fallen onto the broad, green lily pad above.

When he awoke, he looked about with surprise. He couldn't believe what he saw. A startling change had come to his old body. His movement revealed four silver
wings and a long tail. Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to move his wings...The warmth of the sun soon dried the moisture from the new body. He moved his
wings again and suddenly found himself up above the water. He had become a dragonfly!!

Swooping and dipping in great curves, he flew through the air. He felt exhilarated in the new atmosphere. By and by the new dragonfly lighted happily on a lily pad to
rest. Then it was that he chanced to look below to the bottom of the pond. Why, he was right above his old friends, the water bugs! There they were scurrying
around, just as he had been doing some time before.

The dragonfly remembered the promise: "The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk will come back and tell where he or she went and why." Without thinking,
the dragonfly darted down. Suddenly he hit the surface of the water and bounced away. Now that he was a dragonfly, he could no longer go into the water...

"I can't return!" he said in dismay. "At least, I tried. But I can't keep my promise. Even if I could go back, not one of the water bugs would know me in my new
body. I guess I'll just have to wait until they become dragonflies too. Then they'll understand what has happened to me, and where I went."

And the dragonfly winged off happily into its wonderful new world of sun and air.......

I think you have to answer there questions as honestly as you can taking into consideration their age and level of understanding. It is a subject that gets brought up in this house rather a lot. I have told the kids that Daddy might die and they are still processing that. We talked about how when someone dies they don't need their body any more and that we always get to keep the love we have for them and the memories. We have a lot of books on the subject which we will look at when we need to. Sadly death is part of live and kids can be very matter of fact about it. DS has already offered tomove into his dads side of the bed.

avenap - lovley, good advice.

I told my DS1 (at about 6 yrs) that when someone dies it is just the packaging they came in that has gone. Their personality, smile, caring, loving and the soul live on in our hearts and minds forever.

When my two children died a lot of people said to my SIL (in front of her 4 yr old)'I'm so sorry for Shabster loss, will you tell her for me.' This resulted in my nephew looking all over our town trying to find the boys for me because he thought I had lost them

I think honesty, talking, and reassurance are vital.

Morning OJ we meet again!

hello shabster.
the words we use are very important to kids and saying you have lost someone or they have gone to sleep could make things harder for them to understand the truth. The truth is very hard and it does sound nicer dressed up but I don't think its helpful in the longer term.

Buda lol at your post.

My DS3 got an organ donor card when he was about 4 because, and I quote, 'I've only got a small willy and maybe if I have this card I will be able to get a bigger one sewn on!!'

LOL shabster! Am ROFL at that! Bless his little cotton socks.

thanks all -
I will have to buy Waterbugs and Dragonflies by Doris Stickney, ds loves stories, and he always gets the moral of the story. BreeVanDerCampLGJ, thanks for suggesting it.

Avenanap - I agree with your approach, I have tried it, but ds just cries and doesn't really listen. He says things like, but I don't want grandma in my heart, I want to play with her

Also, it's a great point that he might be scared of losing us (dh and I) in fact, he might be so scared that he hasn't even mentioned it as it's too much for him to contemplate. I hadn't thought about that.

I will need to have a good chat with him when he brings up the subject again- I don't feel I should start the conversation ...

onlyjoking - lol to your ds being so practical

Avenap what a lovely sentiment to teach your kids. Think I may use that to explain to my ds (when he gets older obviously, he's only 7 months!)

Cantputfingeron- it must be so difficult but I remember I went through a stage of this after my Granny died when I was 5, I was so scared that my family and me and everyone are all going to die. All I can say is that my mum just explained how she went to stay with Jesus and dying wasn't a bad thing, just like a family reunion in heaven. Poor little boy though, must be very sad for you to see him like this. It will pass. x