Help needed.....DS2 should have been called Jaws.....

[dozymare]

Actually it is not funny. He is 20m and this morning we were at softplay where he proceeeded to bite whoever he could get his hands on. He is 20m and this is a new experience for me as DS1 was always so good with other kids. I really don't know what to do...I told him off by saying "no biting" and then out him in a highchair strapped in but it didn't have any effect as he then did it again.......Again I firmly told him "NO biting" and out him in the highchair....he then "cried" (more crocodile I think at being told off) and then was fine. Just as we were going he bit another child.

Has anyone experienced this and if so, how can I nip it in the bud? He only bites those younger or the same age not older....

Thanks

Anyone?! Surely I am not the only one with a shark for a child?!

You are not alone! I had a half starved pirahna, aka ds1 - no matter what I did to try and stop him from doing it, it never worked for long. I was constantly after advice, followed him all round the place in case he met another child and he would try to eat them, tried time out, leaving early, you name it, I tried it. I used to take him to the local baby club, but the other mums all decided that I "wasn't doing enough about his biting habit" and that if I didn't do anything about it, we shouldn't come back. Really supporting.

This continued through pre-school, where the darling members of staff knew about his biting habit, and set him up on going for just 40 minutes a week. He soon learnt that if he wanted to stay longer, he had to stop using his teeth on the other kids. He ended up attending pre-school for full length sessions quite rapidly, and really stemmed the biting down. Even with this help, he still didn't stop biting every once in a while until 18 months ago (he's now six and a half!)

Is your ds2 gaining anything from the biting (ie toys, next turn on the slide etc)? I think ds1 used to bite because he was quite a way behind on his speech and he got frustrated (he had his own language until he was three, and no-one else understood him except me and dh!) It's only since he can say what he wants and get his message across that he's finally grown out of it.

You have to carry on with what you are doing - be firm, let him know that biting is a definite no-no. Do the same thing every single time he bites, and he'll learn cause and effect ("I bite, mum puts me in the high-chair/time out step/reins - I don't like that much.....hmmmm") It may take a while to sink in, but they WILL grow out of it eventually - I'm finally on the other side, and I thought it would never end!

ah loganberry thank you so much for the reply..was being to think I was the only one (although I know I am not) The thing is with boiting is that there is such physical evidence and unlike a push or shove it goes on and on........I am being really firm with him but the "timeout" inthe high chair had no effect.......I guess persistence (sic) is key.......I felt really bad about it, especially as one woman said to me "watch out there is a horrible child in their (sofyplay) who is biting"...erm he isn't a horrible child, he just has a horrible habit! He is quite advanced on his vocab so don't think it is that......Tried following him around but of course with other kids to watch (my ds1 plus a friend) isn't always possible.....also is it fair to take him home and ruin the morning for the other 2?? Would he even understand that we had left becuase of his biting???? I really want to nip (no pun intended) this in the bud before it escalates into full blown jaws attack........do you think timing out is the way forwrad???

I don't know, is the answer for what little ones do or don't understand about being told off etc..... I'm fairly sure my ds1 didn't have a clue what I was telling him off about in the early stages, because it happened so fast and he'd forgotten about what he had done by the time I got beside him to intervene. I was often met with an all-innocent looking ds1, a highly ticked off mother and a bawling toddler. And if he's unaware what he's done at that small a timescale, he'll definitely not understand why he's been taken home early..... I think the only thing that came out of my telling him off made the other mothers feel satisfied that I had "done something about it" rather than had any real effect on ds1.

But I was lucky in that it was ds1 that was biting and not ds2 or ds3, so I could march him home - mainly to recover from the embarrassment of his actions! In your case, its not fair on your elder lad, so walking out isn't for you. I have no idea how to stop any child from biting right away though......it was just persistance that got it with us in the end. Hopefully someone else can offer advice (I have a ds3 as yet with no teeth, and I want to have the answers in case i need them for him!)

Sorry for the length of time its taking me to reply, I've got an overtired, highly grumpy ds3 sat on my lap and grizzling at me!

Looks like we're the only two willing to admit to owning biters at the moment......

And yes, you're right about biting being a horrible habit, NOT a horrible child! I'd never looked at it that way before until you said it. But therein lies the problem - its a habit..... and how hard are habits to break? Look at dummies, blankies, nose picking, and as adults, smoking, gambling and drinking. All habits, all tough to break free from. Makes you think, doesn't it......

My ds was a biter from 18mnths, hes now 7.5 yrs. He still periodically bites, usually because of frustration and teasing from his classmates.

As you have said his speech is okay then maybe you could try the lemon. If he bites give him the lemon and tell him to bite it. The taste lingers for some time as a reminder and then let him know that you have a lemon in your bag if he does it again.

Hi there ladies, havn't really experienced it first hand but did have a problem with a little boy that kept biting my son from nursery upto year two at primary school so it's not always the little nippers it can be a big nipper too, however on a more positive note my little boy is half way through year three with no more bites... I guess at some point they just grow out of it some sooner than others.

But with a two year old myself we often go to mother & toddler groups etc where sometimes there's kids chewing off each others arms, weeing in the corner, tantruming etc etc etc but you know what it's very easy to judge someone when your not in that situation as long as you no that your doing all you can thats the main thing (we've all been there at sometime when your trying to do the shopping and the little darling would much rather scream the place down than be your perfect little angel and people stop and stare 'at the worst mother in the world').

Good luck...

This is my problem - I know I am a good mother and I not one of these that "turns the other shoulder" when their child misbehaves. Just that at 20m as we have been saying he doesn't know the consequence of what he has done..I am not sure if it is frustration or if it is his way of asserting himself. As in I was there first now go away.....as you say, I always say to him very firmly "No Biting" and today was the first time I out him for timeout in the highchair.....he thought I was going to feed him and started laughing and smiling.

He really left a mark on one child and the mother was very upset (understandably). However, as we are saying, it is a habit but it is one I need to break now. One of my friends has suggested biting back when he does it...what do you think??? Is that not goving him the message that it is OK as Mummy does it????

THis has really upset me and it doesn't help that people are VERY willing to point out my son...it almost feels as if they feel better about their kids by point ing out the bad in mine!

Haven't tried the lemon or even thought of it....did it work???

Dozymare - I said that i've never had first hand knowledge of this because the first time my little girl bit I bit her back not hard enough to leave a mark but enough to shock her and make her think ... maybe I was lucky

I was talking about this with DS (11) the other day. We were talking about when he was little and he said "I used to bite people, why did I stop", and I replied "because one day you had the fright of your life and I bit you back".

He is completely well adjusted, balanced boy but at the time there was not way of getting through to him - when he was two or three - that it really hurt. It was not a hard bite but it was enough for him to realise that it hurt and therefore he should stop. And he did.

Yes, people will flame me and be cross but in this particular case with this particular child it worked and has had not lasting harm.

I have no problem biting him so long as he stops....you say your son was 2-3....do you think 20m is to young to learn this? Did you do it on the arm??? What do you think another mothers reaction would be if my DS takes a chunk out of a child's arm and then I do it to my DS?! Surely they will call the NSPCC!!!

TBH can't really remember what they are like at 20 months! You'll have to judge yourself whether you think your DS is old enough to learn the lesson.

Also I never really care what other people think of me so it would not have crossed my mind to worry about that! All I knew was that my son had a habit that was causing upset to other children, I had tried time out, explaining etc and this was the last resort.

you are so right.....why should I care what everyone thinks, as I know I am doing my best and not accpeting this behaviour...I guess I got really upset earlier when the lady said about "There is a horrible child in there biting" as I said, he is not horrible just got a horrible habit.

I think I am going to try a nip back next time he does it. Fingers crossed for me.....

I've never tried the biting back, but my friend used to do it to her ds1, and he would stop for a while (a few months at a time) before starting up again. I would never flame you over this, I'm a great believer in "whatever works" and sometimes biting back works, like you've proved. Sometimes it backfires, and you get the little darlings thinking "hey, if mummy does it, then its got to be ok!"

I've had ds1 bite other kids so often, we've had no marks, half marks, deep marks, drawn blood, the list feels endless.....but I tried everything (bar the biting back) to stop him. And even though you're trying all you can, there are some mums that harp on about how awful your child is for biting and how awful you are for not doing anything (despite evidence to the contrary). I had one mum (from that baby club we had to leave) tell me to bite him back as soon as he did it. I'm a cm, imagine if I did that out in public like she suggested - you can just see it can't you, it was bad enough with the "don't use that cm, her kid bites" but imagine "don't use that cm, she bites her kids!"

So, not a method for me personally, but I'm not putting it down when I know it works for some!

My DD is not a biter but has been bitten a few times, once by her bf (who she then defends as she knows she'll get into trouble) and then yesterday at a party.

I'm only posting as yesterday the mum of the biter was at the end of her tether has tried everything to get him to stop - the child was 2 1/2. The mother quickly removed him from the situation and told him off and then brought him to say sorry - but then let his stay for the rest of the party - whilst my dd was v upset and wanted to leave.

I would really recommend immediate removal from whatever the activity is even if it means taking other children with you otherwise they just will not learn.

Just wanted to add that I think lots of parents are v sympathetic to parents of biters as it really is such a horrible habit so I really do feel for you.

I also noticed that there seem to be trigger points when dd's bf bites - her language isn't v developed and when she gets tired and they're fighting over a toy or something she isn't able to communicate her frustration, so instead of saying no or give it to me she just bites in frustration.

Thanks for posting Sophie - the trouble is he is 20m and does not understand the cause and effect - really children don't understand this until closer to 3.....I definately agree that once they are old enough to understand, then removal is by dar the best way forward.

I think biting is so bad as it leaves a very obvious mark - unlike a push and shove or pinch which are all over and done with, bites tend to latch on.....

I am watching for triggers but so far can't see any..his speech is advanced if anything and he (up until recently) has always played so nicely alongside other children.....

I agree that children don't fully understand cause and effect until later on, but I think that at that age they do start to understand about feelings and that what they do hurts other people and makes them sad.

Also meant to add about the biting back - dd's bf's mum bit her daughter back the first time she bit her (more of an automatic reflex rather than a planned approach) and it hasn't made a bit of difference But the biting is subsiding and I now no longer leave dd playing alone with her in her room when I know they are both tired.

my ds used to bite at nursery at about this age, he'd come home saying 'we don't bite our friends' which is how I found out. He did it when I was there a few times too. It wasn't through any kind of aggression, it just seemed to be to see what would happen/ how it felt.
The nursery were very good and reassured me that lots of the other kids do it (one day ds came home with tooth marks on his arm!) and he grew out of it very quickly - it is a worry though and very embarrassing! I used to take him away and get him to say sorry but I think he was too little to understand that really.

Re the lemon, it worked for a friend of mine but this was about 5 years ago.

As you say it is a bad habit with your ds, and if you do it as soon as he bites another child - take the lemon to where he is and get him to bite it in situ then he will associate biting and lemons. If you dont feel comfortable offering the lemon with lots of strangers round then I would remove him and other children in your care explaining why you are leaving, its amazing what a little peer pressure can do and what children of his age can understand.

I wouldn't use this method on a child that had slow speech development as that is a totally different area. My son had speech development problems, but in infants he became known for biting and parents became very judgemental. Even two weeks ago a boy in his class spent lunch time coming up to him and saying 'bite me, bite me'.