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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

DS1 in trouble at school - help me deal with it please

28 replies

niceglasses · 14/03/2008 09:17

DS1 is 7 and in Y2. Found out this morning that he had been sent to Head yesterday pm with another boy for making a noose out of rope and putting it round a younger Y1 boy!

I feel so ashamed and so angry with him - he didn't even tell me and I always ask how his day went. God, it could have been so awful.

He hasn't really been in trouble before (tho I'm starting to wonder now if I just don't know about it). How should I deal with it? I couldn't help saying to him before I went that I knew and I'd see him after schl.

It sounds pathetic, but my lovely Grandad died last week and although I'm okay, this has made me really weepy and feeling like I can't cope.

Have I raised a monster somehow?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

RubberDuck · 14/03/2008 09:30

Oh no You must be gutted.

Can you make an appointment with the teacher/head and find out more about what happened and if there have been previous incidents (particularly involving the other boy)? Find out how the school would like you to handle it - am sure they will be relieved that you take it seriously and are prepared to work with them to sort it out.

Options may be to split him up with this other kid, if together they have a tendency to get into trouble. My ds1 (though quiet) hooked up with another two lads in reception/Y1 who were also quiet, but together they made very over-confident and silly boys. Lots of low level trouble, until finally in Y2 they were all split up and they've all been the models of propriety since. Sometimes just the combination goes a bit awry.

Really, until you've got more information, it'll be hard to know what to do.

RubberDuck · 14/03/2008 09:32

Also maybe talk it through with ds1 to see what he can think of to make it up to the younger boy. How he thinks he should be punished - will give you a feeling for how serious he feels it is. I suspect he is well aware and feeling rather ashamed, and that will at least reassure you that you haven't raised a monster... {hugs}

cory · 14/03/2008 09:34

He is not a monster, he is a silly little boy who does not understand how dangerous his behaviour is. He may even not understand that it is bullying. He may just have been playing out something he's seen on TV, or that his mate has seen (don't they do hangings in Pirates of the Caribbean?). Some children develop empathy quite late, so need to be supported by definite rules on behaviour until they can understand for themselves.

He needs a stern talking to, of course he does, but he does not need to feel that there is something intrinsically wrong with his personality. He has behaved very foolishly, he needs to apologise to the other little boy (and maybe to his parents if they have been frightened and upset), and he needs to be told NEVER to play with things round people's neck. And then you all need to forget.

Original poster

niceglasses · 14/03/2008 09:35

Thanks, this is helping. I haven't a clue how to handle this other than I know I would like him to say sorry to the wee boy.

OP posts:

DumbledoresGirl · 14/03/2008 09:37

You have not raised a monster. I honestly don't think your son had it in mind to kill another child. Children don't think of the consequences and he may not even be aware that putting a noose around someone's neck could kill them.

I think you need to explain to him that this is actually a dangerous thing to do and let him know that you do not want to have to be told about behaviour like this in the future.

FWIW, I was told yesterday, by 2 teachers, that my son is arrogant. It is hard to hear these things about our own children, isn't it? But my son cried when I told him his teachers thought this of him - hardly the sign of an arrogant child. I am sure your son will be equally chastened when he understands the seriousness of his offence.

Condolences on the loss of your grandfather too.

shabster · 14/03/2008 09:37

Was your little boy close to your Grandad? Just a thought - maybe it is playing on his mind.

Dont think he is a monster at all love.

I was sorry to hear about your loss - Its so hard to loose someone you love.

Original poster

niceglasses · 14/03/2008 10:26

I phoned the schl and the class teacher rang me straight back. The other boy is off today but they are keeping my son in at playtimes etc, which I'm glad about.

I also said I want him to apologise to the younger boy next week when I have had a chance to talk to him.

The class teacher says he is very subdued, rightly so. The younger boy has a mark on his neck! God the parents must be furious.

This has really shook me up - had a good cry, feel a bit better.....

OP posts:

FluffyMummy123 · 14/03/2008 10:28

Message withdrawn

TheHonEnid · 14/03/2008 10:30

it probably wasnt a true noose cod

FluffyMummy123 · 14/03/2008 10:31

Message withdrawn

SixSpotBurnet · 14/03/2008 10:33

I'm sure he's not a monster, niceglasses. AS DumbledoresGirl said, children his age often don't think of the possible consequences. When we were kids I put a bit of chain round my little brother's neck to be a dog lead and then couldn't get it off - it was getting tighter and tighter round his neck and it was sheer good luck that my mother was close enough by to realise what was happening and rescue him!

soapbox · 14/03/2008 10:33

Quite Cod! I was wondering that too.

We have always been rigerous at drumming into the DCs that nothing, is ever put round anyone's neck ever, ever, ever!

Nor is putting hands near anyone's neck acceptable ever!

I hate the idea of unforseen consequences of games involving tie's, belts, ropes etc

I think you need to pick this up with him and then drum into him that it isn't ever a good idea to put something round someone's neck!

soapbox · 14/03/2008 10:35

The younger boy has a mark on his neck - good grief, did they pull it tight then

You really, really need to come down hard on this one - I know he probably didn't realise what he was doing, but this could have had a terrible ending to it!

DoodleToYou · 14/03/2008 10:35

Message withdrawn

TheHonEnid · 14/03/2008 10:36

dd2 put the cord from the blind around her neck (little white plastic beads, looked a bit like a necklace) then fell off the windowsill when she was about 3

found her gasping for air in her bedroom

was terrifying

soapbox · 14/03/2008 10:37

God Enid - that is exactly the kind of thing that sends shivers down my spine!

TheHonEnid · 14/03/2008 10:41

also dd1 and dd2 came to me with a rope and said 'can you tie this in a loop mummy so we can put it round dd2s neck and pretend to be dogs'

er that'll be a rather big no

pigleto · 14/03/2008 10:42

dh cut all the curtain pulls off short in our house as he had heard about that sort of thing happening enid. I am not even allowed tie backs. I'm glad you got to her in time.

DoodleToYou · 14/03/2008 10:44

Message withdrawn

Original poster

niceglasses · 14/03/2008 12:22

Yes, he has to know the seriousness of it. I'll talk to dh and see how we do it.

I'm having mad wobbles. Its me, my parenting, I shouldn't work (p/t).....blah blah........

OP posts:

DoodleToYou · 14/03/2008 12:34

Message withdrawn

DoodleToYou · 14/03/2008 12:35

Message withdrawn

Original poster

niceglasses · 15/03/2008 09:24

Well I finally got to see him when I got home from work last night.

They found a skipping rope and tied it to part of the play equipment and were swinging on it - a younger boy came over and asked for a go and my ds says the other boy put the rope round his neck (dubious emoction). So, maybe the 'noose' bit is a bit emotive. Still, not nice at all. Think he realises the seriousness of putting things round pples necks now.

Said sorry to boy, kept in at playtimes, no TV this weekend.

Saddens me.

OP posts:

TheAntiFlounce · 15/03/2008 09:35

Do remembert that children do not have the understanding about basic biology that adults have.

Your son does not understand about breathing, bloodflow, oxygen deprivation, strangulation, and death may still be something that happens in cartoons to him. He was playing. It was a very dangerous game, but he was still only playing.

MrsWeasley · 15/03/2008 09:37

the kids is one of our local schools play with skipping ropes and there is always one or two who will either wrap themselves in the skipping rope of wrap others in it and then pull it hard. The effect is wrapped child gets hurt and the child who suggested it says "well on Scooby doo they do it and the wrpped one spins round and round"

niceglasses: it really isn't you, its children learning about life and sometimes that does include making the odd mistake! Which hopefully they will learn from and not do it again!

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