Help! 12 month old won’t sleep

[foncused]

I’m at my wit’s end and collapsing with overwhelm and exhaustion. DD was a calm baby and great sleeper until she was 5 months old, and then everything turned on its head. I have kept to routines since as she was born but she refuses to allow herself to be ‘whipped into shape’, and I hate it that every day is a whole new surprise.
She has always refused dummies and bottles so these days I have to be her ‘Mummy dummy’ or she will. Not. Go. To. Sleep. Then she dozes off while being nursed and wakes as soon as I shift her— so a 5 minute nap and no break for me to go do anything at all. Night are a constant rotation between me and DH. She won’t stay asleep for more than 2 hours at a time but often it’s much shorter increments. DH goes in often to settle her but she doesn’t seem to get the message that no food/dummy is forthcoming. She can take ages to settle.
I’ve tried holding her to sleep without BF but she has such a temper that I literally can’t hold her as she shrieks and flings herself out of my arms.
The worst is when the other kids wake up constantly because of her and then I’m dealing with all 3 at once while trying not to give baby the impression that it’s morning.
Overall we spend hours every day putting her to sleep and putting her back to sleep—more time than she actually sleeps!
She is a huge personality but also not mobile at all so I am exhausted being at her beck and call 24 hours with no breaks. I can’t put her down because she is angry and frustrated that she is then rooted to the spot. We sit and play together for hours while I stress about the cooking and laundry and WORK that I need to do but can’t (thank goodness I freelance but this maternity leave has gone on for far too long).
Sorry for the long post but any advice would be hugely appreciated.

That sounds a lot to deal with so you have my sympathy

When you say she's not mobile at all, has the HV done the 12 month Ages & Stages yet and how did she score on the gross motor skill section?
If the HV hasn't don't the 12 month check yet, I'd ask her to do the 12 month Social & Emotional Ages & Stages alongside the usual one.

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto Thanks for your reply. She’s had the HV 12 month checkup and scored very highly on everything except gross motor skills, which was 0, predictably.
Her muscle tone and fine motor skills are great and it’s not like she’s been trying to roll/crawl/pull to stand but can’t manage it; she just doesn’t seem to try at all. The HV reckons it’s just a matter of giving her time, especially since my others weren’t super advanced in this area either.
When discussing the sleep issues with the duty HV who phoned the day after the checkup, her sage advice that she assured me would solve the problem was…. To give DD a cup of Horlicks before bed 😂

I know this probably isn't helpful at all but for the short term, I'd just feed her when she wakes at night. I did it with my DD and found that we all ended up sleeping better. Have you tried making the cot smell of you or DH too? So sleep with her sheets or sleeping bag before using them so they get bed has the nice, reassuring smell of you.

If she's not moving at all, do you know if she scored in the grey or in the black for the Gross Motor Skills Section of the 12 month check?

And one last thing, can she bear weight on her legs? So if you hold her hands, can she stand?

So that’s what we’ve been doing all this time, because it gets her quiet and she falls asleep quicker. Except that it is impossible to put her down!! It used to be so easy to pop her in her cot, but now she wakes up instantly and screams blue murder.
Good idea regarding smell; I’ll have to put something of mine in the cot with her.
I have no idea if she scored in the grey or black for gross motor skills, just that the HV said it was zero but wasn’t too bothered. The GP is equally unconcerned.
DD doesn’t stand with her feet flat on the floor as she either lifts her legs up into a sitting position in the air, or deliberately makes herself into a dead weight so I have to sit her back down again!

Ok so according to the the NHS, if they're not crawling by 12 months you should speak to the HV.

Unfortunately for you though yours seems a bit useless overstretched.

I think if I were you I'd either book in with the GP again, preferably a female GP and if you can get DH/DP to go with you even better. Ask that they investigate why she can't bear weight, it could be her hips and ask for a referral to Physio and Portage.

Alternatively you can let the HV adopt the "wait & see" approach but insist that she sees her again after 13 months abd 14 months 30 days and does the 14 month Ages & Stages.

If she is still struggling with Gross Motor skills then, I'd ask for a referral to a Paediatrician for assessment and referrals to a Physio and Portage.

The GP also recommended that we wait and see and have a review in 3 months. She said that rolling, crawling etc are not considered milestones and are only used to predict whether baby will make the walking-at-18-months milestone, and it may well be that DD will just get up and walk one day without having done any of that.
Actually, in true predictable fashion, DD started bottom-shuffling this afternoon on the hard kitchen floor! Progress!
But a total of 45 minutes in naps today, exhausted by 7 and fell asleep shortly after… but he’s already woken up yelling. This, despite my having put some of my PJs in her bed to make it smell of me 😞 it’s futile isn’t it