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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Tantrum about leaving playground - how would you have handled it?

23 replies

Hillbilly · 13/03/2008 20:35

DD 2.9, had a paddy and lay on the floor refusing to leave the playground. I picked her up, put her under my arm and carried here out, kicking and screaming (her not me!.

Yesterday she did the same over leaving a cafe and I dealt with it in the same way.

Is that being too heavy handed?

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Original poster

Hillbilly · 13/03/2008 20:38

Forgot to add - everything is a battle with her right now, hairbrushing, teeth cleaning, dressing.

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HonoriaGlossop · 13/03/2008 20:40

How do you broach the subject of leaving the park etc with her? What is your system?

yomellamoHelly · 13/03/2008 20:50

I always give a countdown to leaving anywhere (5 minutes, then 2, then 1, then 1/2, then last 10 seconds counted down). Then we leave. I used to strap ds1 into his pushy rather than struggle with him, but otherwise pretty much the same as you. (He-s 4 now.)

ProfessorGrammaticus · 13/03/2008 20:57

Not too heavy handed, no, in extremis. I have done it lots of times! Do you do a countdown? I find it helps from about age 2 to age7!!

For example, "when you've finished your biscuit then we will go home. ... You've nearly finished, time to go. ...I'll just wipe your hands before we go..." etc etc etc

Carnival · 13/03/2008 21:08

HB, we had this at about the same stage, she's much easier now 3.2 - there's light at the end of the tunnel!

We did a lot of deflection:

oh, look did you see the Gruffalo behind the tree
Let's go see the swans now (which are on the way home)
I bet you can't beat me to the gate/tree/post
See if you can reach the tree in 10, 9, 8, etc

Good luck

cory · 13/03/2008 21:35

I used to do this too. I tried to preempt it by warning dd that we'd be leaving 'after we've done x' and making her wave bye bye to the playground and it sometimes helped.

But if she threw a paddy I did exactly what you did. It helps if you can do it calmly and cheerfully, that way they'll get used to thinking that Mummy's in control.

CoteDAzur · 13/03/2008 21:39

There is a chocolate shop near the playground where I take DD (2.6). Usually she doesn't want to leave. I tell her we are going to get some chocolate and she is all happy to go. We go in the shop, get a small bit of chocolate, and head home.

Original poster

Hillbilly · 14/03/2008 08:47

Thanks for your comments - I always tell her "ok 5/10 more minutes then we have to go". I know she does not know how long 5 or 10 is but at least it is giving her advance notice that we are leaving. Then I will say when there's 2 mins left also.

She decided she wanted to go to the cafe on the way home (before we left playground) and I said we had to go straight home so I could feed ds (20 wks) at home while she ate her lunch. So the strop was twofold - leabing the park and not getting her way about going to the cafe.

I guess distraction is the key - I just find that I am rushing so much with having to fit things in around ds naps/feeds. I am happy to feed him anywhwere but had we stayed out longer then dd would have been late for lunch then late for nap etc which she really needs still.

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Carnival · 14/03/2008 09:44

HB - it's easy for me to say, you should try and deflect/distract her, but I don't have 2 dcs. When I think of having to get my spaghetti-mush brain around the competing demands of 2 kids I shriek and run for the hills, hence the singleton. You're doing a good job, every mum has to lift and leave somewhere at some point, especially at that age.

For me, the deflection works better outside because I'm not feeling pressured for her (or me)to be quiet and I can burst into, "what's going to work, teamwork", etc. It's so crap when you can feel the stares in a cafe, shop, cinema, public toilet, etc. If people judge us for removing our kids to preserve their peace, then bugger them!

Original poster

Hillbilly · 14/03/2008 10:22

Yes you're right about it being easier outside. We had just met someone new though and I was very aware of that.

I hope it's just an age thing. I get up every day with a positive mindset but find the constant battles very wearing.

I have recently been threatening her with having to stand outside the back door (on a covered patio area)when she refuses to have hair brushed, get dressed, get into bed etc, and it has got to the point where I have had to follow through.

Not sure if this is too extreme. It is only for a matter of seconds and usually the threat of it works.

I have a niggle that tells me it's a bit severe but nothing seems to work with her at the moment.

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Carnival · 14/03/2008 10:39

We put DD on our version of the naughty step, which is the bottom step (stair gate behind her) and all the doors closed, so she's effectively 'locked in'. Not having seen your patio area, it's hard to say - but so long as it's safe and closed to the elements, I don't see a problem with it. Although I'm sure there are people on here who might disagree with us.

I'm with you on the hair brushing thing, it is torture sometimes. If she would keep her head still, it would be done and dusted in under two minutes, my DD's neck turns to jelly at hair brushing time. My new trick for dealing with this is to let her see Dora on TV only when she's getting dressed and having her hair brushed, any nonsense = Dora going off. It's working for now, but who knows what joys next week will bring.

Original poster

Hillbilly · 14/03/2008 13:26

Thanks Carnival, DD really likes having ribbons ibn her hair so that usually swings it, esp since I bought lots of different coloured ones for her. Yesterday however, I just told her in the morning that I was not going to be brushing her hair at all that day so it was like a bird's nest by lunchtime!

Yes the patio is covered above but open to the garden so if it is cold outside, it is also cold there. It is definitely safe and we never leave her more than about 30 seconds (if that).

HOpefully she will grow out of this soon!

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UniS · 14/03/2008 15:12

sound like the kind of thing I have to do with boy- just turned 2. He gets warning that we are leaving X, told to say bye bye x and still sometimes throws a queeny fit or stages a sit down protest. When he does I give him a " I will count to 3 and if you are not walking I will pick you up", count 1 2 3 and hes either walking - slowly and draggingly or gets picked up and slung over my shoulder. Its not comfy for him but is a good way for me to carry his weight and he can't do much damage by kicking or hair pullling.

I figure that any one with kids will have done similar themselves so won;t be bothered by it, those with out kids can see I'm doing something to remove the screaming child from where ever we are.

We use "stand by wall and think" , but it backfires sometimes as he then doesn't want to stop standing by the wall. If your Patio works for you go for it.

EffiePerine · 14/03/2008 15:21

Nope, if DS did this in public I woud pick him up and stalk off.

CatIsSleepy · 14/03/2008 15:22

I have had this with dd aged nearly 2, in fact we had it today leaving a soft-play centre. But sometimes you just have to go, and if picking them up kicking and screaming is the only way, then so be it! luckily today she calmed down quickly.the last time this happened in the park she had more of a full-blown tantrum-this despite the promise of a biscuit in the car (which had seemed to do the trick initially). It's not nice.
I am hoping this is just a phase too...

mrsgboring · 14/03/2008 17:25

It might help just to say "last go on the swings" or whatever rather than 2 mins, 1 min.

I name the final activity very firmly as the last one, remind at least once then look for the slightest sign of boredom or distractibility and say "finished swings, time to go home" Aim is to catch the split second when she's looking for something else to do and supply the idea, "going home" to fill the gap.

Works as well as anything I suppose.

mumnanny1 · 15/03/2008 08:01

My DS is 2.7 and I have exactly the same issue and usually deal with it in the same way-Picking him and leaving. I'm a nanny and take him to work with me and we go through this EVERY evening when I try to leave. Last night I thought I would try a different tactic. With permission from my boss I just left him there and shut the door. I felt quite mean and I'm not sure if this was the right thing to do, but it did work. Obviously, you can't do this in the park!
I don't think it's heavy handed to pick them up and leave. I could try every distraction tactic in the book but I guarantee that if he is in THAT mood, I would be there all day/night. I think distraction should definitely be tried first but what else can you do when you need to leave and you have a toddler lying on the floor and screaming?

nametaken · 15/03/2008 14:03

This is quite common behaviour. When my dcs used to do this I just used to pretend to go and leave them there. Is this not the done thing anymore?

Janni · 15/03/2008 14:11

Like everyone says - warning, countdown, brisk voice. How about adding in something energetic like 'RUN TO THAT TREE BEFORE I CATCH YOU!' or whatever to add in a feeling of fun. I find if I can summon up the energy to do 'tiger steps' or 'animal noises' etc it can make them cooperate better.

Original poster

Hillbilly · 15/03/2008 20:17

nametaken - I also do that thing of pretending to leave the park without her. At home I have to go through the whole "ok, ds and I are going out without you then, see you later and don't forget to feed the cat", and I am often at the garden gate before she decides to cooperate and put on her shoes/coat.

I just find it very tiresome especially as it's on a daily basis.

Dh seems to do this whole thing better than me but that could be because he's not with her all the time. I get so bored with it that I just want the thing done, whether it's hairbrushing, teethcleaning,dressing etc.

Good to here most people have similar experiences.

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FranMay · 15/03/2008 20:23

I'd say don't worry about it too much as it's a developmental stage! We had this with ds when he was 2, me red-faced leaving toddler group with screaming ds feeling like I was the worst mother in the room. Now he is 3.9, it is (mostly) a complete non-issue as it is possible to reason with him! So adopt whatever strategy works best and when you need to go, just take her and go!!

TheAntiFlounce · 15/03/2008 20:30

yep, I do that too.

indiaella · 16/03/2008 08:26

Hi I dont think you were too heavy handed at all, you did the right thing. The worst thing would be to have stayed. Have you tried positive reinforcement for when she does leave anywhere without making a fuss?really over emphasise how happy you are with her behaviour when she does leave places calmly.Goodluck

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