2yo DS livid all the time - is this normal?

[Honeyplease]

DS2 has just turned 2. He has always been a high needs child, never slept well, never eaten well and is generally a tearaway. He seems to be angry all the time and he will do destructive things deliberately (like if you try to take a pen from him to stop him drawing on the table, he will quickly turn and scribble on the wall as much as possible)

Since hes turned two hes been beyond awful. I hate to say it, but I dread spending time with him, its just always stressful and unenjoyable whatever we try to do. Sometimes I even regret having him. We have another son who is almost 6 - he’s a joy and always has been.

Since his birthday he has been non stop ill with colds and tonsilitis which has made him unbearable to deal with I am wondering if there is something more to his behaviour… I know 2 year olds are hard i’ve had one before but this feels like life altering levels of hard. We can’t even go out for a walk without him going ballistic about something.

One thing I have noticed is that one time he is usually quite happy and calm is when he has just eaten, he often will refuse meals but on the odd occasion you can get something decent into him it mellows him out completely. He still wakes him in the middle of the night for milk and i suspect this is down to hunger as he screams bloody murder for hours if you try to withold it.

I just don’t know what to do. I feel bad for him because he’s just so miserable all the time.

That does sound incredibly hard and exhausting for you. I have one who didn't sleep or eat. Has the HV mentioned the possibility of ARFID? My DD has ARFID and has struggled with the association of eating and feeling better too. It's like the food is so overwhelming that she can't eat it even though she knows she needs to eat.

Does he have any foods he will eat? For now is just feed him whatever you know he will eat, even if that means he had Chicken nuggets every day for a while. Just make sure that he has a multivitamin each day too.

As he's been ill for so long, have you tried some pain relief and does his behaviour improve when he's had it?

I think it does sound like it's time you sought some support too.

I'd fill in the the Ages & Stages 24 month Social & Emotional Assessment and the 24 month Ages & Stages and ask your HV to assess him using both. This will give her a clearer picture than just using the latter one, which is the one most commonly used.

Does he go to any childcare at all and is he having any problems there?

Thanks so much for your insightful reply @SiouxsieSiouxStiletto

My goodness, I have never heard of ARFID before but reading about it I am almost certain its what my DH has, and DS definitely is similar in his aversions.

There are foods that are “safe” that DS will eat most of the time - grapes, fruit pouches, noodles, cheese, sausage and wotsits. He used to try new things all the time but recently he refuses. He was slow to self feed and still even now he will only eat if we spoon feed him.

With childcare he has always gone to a local childminder once a week and has always been fine with her, she only has a few kids and its a very home from home atmosphere, still he almost never eats or sleeps there.
Two weeks ago he started preschool, he was supposed to go twice a week but had to pick him up early because he was so distressed and after that he was ill and has been since.

I will have a look at those forms now.

There are foods that are “safe” that DS will eat most of the time - grapes, fruit pouches, noodles, cheese, sausage and wotsits. He used to try new things all the time but recently he refuses. He was slow to self feed and still even now he will only eat if we spoon feed him.

We've always given her safe foods and something different in the plate or in a separate bowl, but nowhere near the safe food. Very occasionally she will try the new food if the stars align.

Last night she had a Chinese Takeaway with her BF. Something that I'd never thought would happen ever when she was 2.