ds,4 suspect adhd, need strategies for dealing with extreme stroppiness, frustration, aggression, him!

[ernest]

Not sure where to post.

ds is 4. he is so highly strung and getting worse.

If I don't hear him or answer straight away he goes into meltdown. by this, I mean shouting, swearing, hitting, biting, (esp me & ds2, rarely ds1 or dh), stomping off to room, door slamming, name calling.

If he eg smacks my bum and I don't do a comedy 'ooh!' = meltdown.

If he can't do something, eg struggling to build bionicle, = meltdown.

If we don't have the breakfast cereal he wants,= meltdown

I often get really cross with him when he does this, as it's so bloody frustrating getting shouted at constantly. I can't always pay him 100% attention. I have 2 other sons, and in 11 weeks, will be having a new baby, so it's going to get worse.

He has got a lot on his plate, dh away all week at the moment, new sibling imminent, moving house soon. Lots of potential triggers for bad behavious. But ds2 recenlty dx with adhd and a lot of the behaviour similar (impulse control eg when he bites he himself looks shocked, which is just what we had with ds2 - he knew he shouldn't, just couldn't stop himself). He just gets so frustrated and angry at every little thing.

Spoken to doc who says they can't /won't test for adhd under age 5, but then they also won't test within 6 months olf major life event, eg moving house or new baby, so it's going to be at least a year till we can test for it.

In the meantime, adhd or not, I need strategies. If I go away from him calmly to another room this works well, and he calms down and is fine, ike nothing happened. But it's not often I can do this, eh in the middle of story time with brothers, or dinner.

If I put him in his room or just sternly tell him off and walk away, he is really really devastated, sobbing over and over 'I'm sorry mummy, I'm sorry mummy' until I go to him.

If I lose my temper or shout it's a really crap reaction from me and makes him worse, but often I do this.

I often wonder what I've done wrong and where it's going, that he's so bad with me and getting worse. But the other 2 have never, not once sworn at me or hit me. I feel really out of my depth with him.

He goes to cm 2 mornings a week and she says he's wonderful and very good there.

Help!

HI ernest,
I was going to start a thread called 'is my ds normal?' or something similar, we are going through a really aggressive phase with him as well. He keeps hitting me and his little brother(almost 1, he is going to be 3 in a few months).

Obviously, I can't give too much advice since I am struggling with similar problems myself (and I am hoping to find some words of wisdom here too), but here are a few things that have helped:

1. I don't have a great relationship with my own mum, but I was finally able to ask her if I was the same recently (dh was apparently very placid). we had a long talk about my behaviour as a child and it helped put things into perspective. Can you talk to your/ your partner's parents?

1. Two books have really changed my outlook and helped reduce daily battles tremendously: How to talk and Unconditional Parenting

1. There was a thread on here recently, started by Redmist, that gave some really excellent suggestions for coping when your kids are pushing all of your buttons at once. My favourit tip: pretend there is a film crew taping you with your kids.

1. I recently sat down with ds1 and told him I didn't like the way things were going in the house, and I thought we needed to agree some rules. We made 3 (no hurting/ use words when you are angry; ask nicely; and co-operate when mom and dad ask you nicely) and put them on a poster, which we decorated together. We keep reminding him of the rules and praising him like crazy when he follows them.

I think your trick of using humour (e.g. comedy routine) is great.

Good luck to you and I hope all the challenges ahead go well.

thanks, oregonianabroad . I've got both those books! Am just getting to end of the 1st part of uncond. p. book ie why you should do UP. Am looking foreward to 2nd part (what the hell you do if you don't believe in harsh punishments) a lot of what's said in the book I agree with, like I said, looking foewrard to 'answers' section - hope it comes up with some good strategies.

As for my mum, I can't remember what she did, tho don't remember being shouted at or punished at all by her. Can't talk to her. MIL sadly dies in October, so can't ask her, tho she did used to say that dh was very similar as a kid. SHe was great at keeping positive and distraction. SHe was really great with all the boys.

DS3 is such a hot head and so tempremantal and easily upset/nose put out of joint. Never once in 8 years of paenting have the other 2 sworn at me, told me to shut up, called me an idiot . Ds3 is such a shock. He is also very loving and warm and tiny and cute, but a fiery ball at the same time. An experience I've never had.

Unfortunately being basically in the week a single parent with no support at all, and 26 weeks pg I'm struggling to cope with him.

My eldest son (6) has ADHD,lots of meltdowns on a daily basis too. A brilliant book for behavioral problems is 123 magic, was recommended by child psychologist and also his paediatrician. Basically they are given a warning, and then you count to 3 to give them the chance to calm down, if they don't stop, they have time out equivalent to their age.

Most of the time he can stop himself hitting, throwing himself on the floor by the count of 2, sometimes even the warning works.

Its so hard,especially with other children to deal with, but I've found consistency is vital, otherwise they will keep testing you until you crack.

have heard of this book wisp, ta. is it really worth getting another book? I have so many. DOes it say enough or is that essentialy it, count to 3? Ds2, who has been dx with ADHD is nowhere near as challenging!

Oh, dear! You really have got a lot on right now, and I am so sorry to hear about your mother in law.
Does he go to nursery? do you have any way of getting a little rest from him?
Mine was just trying to switch the computer off (in spite of my having just spent a half an hour making a picture with him)...

ernest, my bookcase is overflowing with parenting books! It is a very good book though.

The basics to try are: You say " XXX stop hitting your brother, I will count to three and if you don't stop, you will have time out"
then slowly count to 3
if they stop praise them, but if you reach 3, take them to a safe time out area, and no communication at all, do it in silence. Took a few days to work, but was worked really well for the past 2 years now. The non verbal bit avoids things getting out of hand and arguments/answering back etc.

Sorry I typed that in a rush, hope its makes sense! late to collect DD from playschool!

does anyone know how this 'marries' with Unconditional Parenting book?

Wips, A fool and their money are easily parted. so, on that note, you recommend I get it?

It goes against some of the things in Unconditional parenting, I have only skimmed a copy of a friends, but I don't think it agrees with "time out methods". However ADHD children thrive on structure and set routines, most of the meltdowns we get is due to something unexpected happening or frustration, and he just can't cope with them, so goes beserk.

The time out helps remove him from the situation, calm him down and also to reflect on what he did, so IMHO time out is good for this, especially as when he's having an outburst he can injure others/himself/objects, so it protects us and his younger siblings too.

Also I got into the habit at just screaming at him from MY frustration, which never worked.

So yes it's a recommendation!