nasty two year old- how to cope

[julantal]

my 2.3 year old seems so nasty at times. She has a tendency to use "mine" for everything she will pull things from other kids or just tell me "mine" with such a nasty attitude. I can't deal with it- i'm currently 8 mo pregnant and everytime i bring up the baby or anything that she needs to share with others she again retorts with this mean and nasty attitude. The look on her face is so ugly. When will this stop? What can i do to stop it? I get so short with her and find myself saying "that's not nice" or "youre being nasty right now". I fear that my response to her is also feeding into her nastiness. The last thing i want is to raise a nasty little girl a bully if you will! Please help. No matter how much i sit her on the naughty step or coax her to be more gentle it's always the same response "mine' with such venom.

Tonight was no different bedtime turned into a fight because she wanted the chair we sit in together usually my belly is so big i cant share the chair or sit on the floor so of course it turned into war! I'm so emotional now and just had to leave the room because i'm afraid of my response at times she cried and so did I.

How can i get my emotions in check - get her to bed without a fight and teach her good manners all at the same time.

At wits end.
jul

Ju... it's a phase. She's discovering her place in the world. The mine is simply one of her ways to do this.

You're 8 months pregnant so you will feel things more keenly. But try to remember that she's not deliberately trying to fight you. She really is just finding her place. Sometimes ignoring something or just making one simple, small comment is enough. The more you push it the bigger it becomes.

hth

Have survived that with twins just recently and now it's competition stage... so remember the mantra

This too shall pass..............
This too shall pass

She sounds very normal to me - I realise this is not what you want to hear, but she really does sound like a typical two year old.

She is not nasty, she is not a bully, she is not mean - she is going through a phase that almost all two year olds go through. Her behaviour isn't what you want it to be, but that doesn't mean she as a child is nasty. Two year olds think the world revolves around them - they all do. She has no concept of ownership, she isn't old enough to have developed any sense of empathy or compassion, she can't equate how she feels with how other people feel. All of this is normal - I know it feels insurmountable but it is a phase and it will pass.

Pick your battles, because you are too tired to continue like this. Let her have her own way sometimes - she needs to experience this in order to know how to handle it. Let the little things like who sits on which chair go - sit on a different chair, or have your bedtime story somewhere else where there is more room. It might be her who starts the fight, but it takes both of you to continue it. And she is still a baby, who doesn't really know how to handle her feelings.

I feel this is as much about your emotional state as hers, and it would be a shame to label her when it's not all about her.

I think it's also partly that there is a new baby coming. That alone will make her unsure of you and your love, and make her push the boundaries even more. She needs reassurance that you will still love her even when the baby comes - so she pushes for attention because she still wants to be your baby.

Be nice to yourself, be nice to her as well. It's hard, but you have to ease up on her a bit. And you have to stop thinking of her as nasty, mean and all these negative things - otherwise that's how she will see herself too.

Keep your chin up ... it will pass.

I have a foul 2yr old at the mo too. She seems to delight in pressing all her brothers buttons, and generally being foul and disobediant. the only comfort I can offer is it will pass!!! Bad news, she's likely to be unsettled for first few weeks, and even more foul. I have recently created a naughty shelf with a degree of success, but in those first few weeks definitly pick your battles.

My 2yo was drip fed 'our little baby' from approx 6mths pg, and seems to be fine so far, except for the odd attempt at regression, like trying to lie under the baby arch. A lot of things got introduced to her in such a way that she was still centre stage, ie this buggy snuggle isfor our baby so it can snuggle up in the pushchair just like you!

Is it possible to move storytime to a comfy location so you both can still have that snuggle? possibly on your bed or wherever suits your routine? since dd1 began reaching this stage I have found ds really values storytime on his own, as his time.

Good luck with your impending arrival xx

to wigwambam you read my mind i really dont want to label her that is my biggest fear the whole "nasty" and "rude" thing is only in my head i really try not to tell her that. However i have caught myself trying to teach her but have slipped and said things like "you are being very rude" "you need to be nice", "you need to share that (whatever)".

Does anyone have suggestions on what to say to her what words or short phrase might be meaningful and powerful over time to say out loud to her instead of "rude" or "nasty"--

the LAST thing i want to do is label her... i will "pick my battles" and for the most part do however i good key phrase or mantra may be good to work into the whole discipline thing

any suggestions...thanks jul

I think the trick is to label the behaviour, not her. So not "you are being nasty" but "that is not nice behaviour". I know it's hard but little children are very open to suggestion and if she thinks you believe she is horrible, she will believe it too. That can impact on her in so many ways.

What always worked with dd was "Mummy is very disappointed", with an appropriate sad face, and usually walking away and leaving her for a couple of minutes. No matter what their behaviour, what young children ultimately want and need is your approval and I certainly found that being disappointed was far more effective than being angry or telling dd off.

They all push boundaries - that's what they are there for. She is learning how much she can do independantly, and how much you will allow her to get away with.

It really will pass.

Agree 100% with WWB.

I must add, Ds1 didn't give a flying duck how disappointed I was - he didn't have the concentration to consider it beyond the point at which I had said the words. Disappointment never worked on him.

you can use phrases like "we don't hit" "we like to share" "it makes people sad when you snatch" "the right thing to do is to give that toy back now" etc

try to suggest the behaviour you want to see, rather than saying loose things like "that was nasty" which doesn't really explain what the whole problem was, and what you want to happen

agree this is really normal stage and your dd isn't nasty, honest - just 2 and struggling with it

damn hard stage for you with a new baby on the way

Must be really hard for you!

For what it's worth I read somewhere that children have to be a lot older before they understand the concept of sharing and that 'you have to share' is much too abstract, i.e. who gets to play with the toy now and for how long etc. Supposedly 'taking turns' is easier for them to grasp, i.e. 'now she plays with it for so long and then it's your turn'. Hope it makes sense.

Can really sympathise with this. My ds is same age, and my due date was yesterday! The "mine" word has been used a lot recently, although it does seem to have lessened a little in the last few weeks, so I agree with what others have said about it being a phase.
If my ds behaves badly at the moment it is really hard - sometimes I do just try to walk into another room to show I'm not happy with the behaviour, but getting up off of the chair can take me so long - it kind of loses its impact!
I do think that since becoming heavily pregnant I have tended to take any bad behaviour more personally, as dh keeps reminding me he is only 2. It really winds me up when dh says that to me, and I am in the middle of getting upset, but deep down I know he's right!

I fell into the negative trap with ds - telling him a lot that what he was doing was naughty and agree absolutely that it does feed into the behaviour that you are trying to stop.

With ds I invented a fictional octopus who lives in his head and is responsible for the naughtiness as I now know that ds is a good boy. Whenever he is doing something I say "Octopus, stop" in a firm voice - ds knows what this means but it makes him laugh and stops a lot of the labelling.

If he has been good all of the day and we have not seen the octopus, I will tell him a made up story about the adventures he and the octopus have got up to. He loves this and if he is being particularly painful, reminding him that he will not earn his story is helpful.

I won't say that this is perfect, but I find making him laugh deflects a lot and I still get to make my point (be is 4 now btw).

It is hard at theis stage of pregnancy without an older toddler to contend with. Be a little gentle with yourself too, you are not an awful parent for feeling emotional!

I second the sentiments of Franny and WWW.

Phrases like,

It is kind to share isn't it?
People love it when you are gentle with them.

Remember she may well be going through some pretty tough emotions too. She is two and so the world is confusing and she has all these desires that people just won't bow to. Its frustrating for her and on top of that she is probably aware that you are a bit tired and less energetic than she'd like.

Ignore her faces, it takes a long time to master facial control, in fact I'm not sure I always manage it!

Tackle bedtime with a plan. Perhaps you could try a break from tradition, one that will help when new one comes along. How about take her shopping and let her choose two great big new cushions which she can sit on the floor with next to a 'friend' while you sit on the chair and read to her.

This thread is mumsnet at it's best What brilliant advice from everyone

I couldn't add much to what's been said, only to add that make sure you are telling her lots of good positive stuff during the times when she's NOT being a pain - I don't think you can overdo it with the positive comments, how gorgeous she is, how good, how clever; anything like that.

And don't project this behaviour forward; she's like this now BECAUSE she is two. She won't be like this in the future!

Good luck!

I too have a dd aged 2.3 and baby is due on 21st. DD is exactly the same - mine features very high in her vocabulary, as does hitting, throwing and a very defiant face to see what my reaction is going to be. I try to ignore bad behaviour when there are mittigating circumstances like being very tired etc, but inevitably this is when it happens most.

So I will give warnings and then use the naughty step. I always make her apologise before she can leave the step and I usually say something like "Mummy loves you very much but she doesn't like it when you do X".

Hang on in there - she is just testing her boundaries.

I had this with a friend's DD yesterday - pinching, snatching, pushing etc. In the end I showed her how to do something nice and then she got loads of praise and a kiss and then she kept repeating it because she enjoyed the feedback. It's very hard but remember that it's the behaviour that's not nice, not the person! Perhaps she needs more guidance on what is positive rather than being pulled up for the negative? 2 is still very young and I reckon on average, for every one telling off, they need five positives. Pick your battles carefully and then make sure you win but only choose those where it really matters.

Perhaps get her another special chair / beanbag that's next to your bearing in mind that you are going to need that one to yourself for a while?

Also - someone wisely said on here somewhere that children hear the last thing you say to them so try to word things positively
e.g. rather than - 'that is nasty' or 'you are being nasty', try saying 'she would really like it if you held her hand gently' (or whatever is relevant). I think we also get in to spirals very easily ourselves and it's good training for us to focus on the good in our children rather than the bad.

2 year olds and late pregnancy are a difficult combination,from what i remember(my ds2 was 2.5 when i had dd2).i probably thought some horrible things about him,and no doubt snapped a few times.

i agree with everybody else.dd2 is 2.3 now,her favourite word is also 'mine',plus she thinks its highly amusing to hit ds2 and wind him up.i say things like 'no,it's (dd3)'s turn ',etc.dd3(12months) has said 'mine' a few times now,i wonder where she learnt that

actually,thinking about it,maybe teaching them to share isnt such a great idea.i am getting flashbacks to ds2 'sharing' his food with dd2(ham sanwiches at 11 weeks old not good)

Jul, my DD is only 19 months so I can't empathise (yet!) but have seen this fairly recently with my best friend's DD. From about two onwards she went through a quite vicious-seeming phase about everything being 'mine', inc snatching things from my DD and hating it when her mum cuddled my DD. Agree with WWB - it's probably about her asserting her position in the world, esp with baba on way. And so it will pass. Also agree with a couple of other wise posters that a) it's about her behaviour, not her, and b) trying to use positive language and instructions that underlines the behaviour you do want from her, rather than giving her attention for the underdesirable stuff. Easier said than done when she's pushing buttons and you're pregnant though, eh? Good luck.

This is really hard, but try and flip things so they're positive - wouldn't it be nice if you... why don't you be a good girl and... And praise her loads - it'll make it easier for you both.
You know this, but she's just testing you. And if you are bursting with praise, smiles and positive attention, she'll really relish that. Good attention is the best, but negative attention is better than no attention... if toddlers had mantras, that'd be it! If needed, I make my ds sit on his own somewhere boring (often the bottom step of the stairs) but don't ever call it the naughty step because I don't think that's a helpful label. I'm Supernanny wouldn't agree...
Between you and me (and the rest of mn) my friends who are sternest with their dcs have the most testing dcs.
It's easier said than done though, when my ds 2.1 gives me that look it makes me mad!