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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

dinnertime rules for 2 yr old - how to prevent anarchy...

20 replies

lilQuidditchKel · 10/03/2008 18:34

hello there

Dunno if this is impossible, but surely SOMEONE must have an idea of how to put some kind of order back into evening mealtime...

How many different things do you offer if the first item is rejected? Do you only present one item at a time or several things at once? How many chances do you offer your child to approach the table and eat nicely before you give up? I'm wary of creating an endless string of chances to create drama at the table...

Funny thing is, breakfast and lunch go reasonably well. DS sits at table and eats nicely with spoon or fork, at least 50% of whatever I give him (and it's not a lot) and "asks" for more if he wants it.

But evening meal is something else. Seems he only wants what I put in front of him every 10th time - and then wolfs that down! Next day or week, same dish is pushed away with disgust.

Please help save me from this...
TIA!

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fryalot · 10/03/2008 18:38

What you do is: you give him one meal for his tea. If he doesn't like it, he doesn't have to eat it, but he gets nothing else.

You don't make a fuss, you don't try to force him to eat it, you just offer it, leave it for him to eat, then if he doesn't, clear it away.

He'll either eat it or he won't. What he won't do is starve. I promise.

Lots of kids are too tired to eat a proper meal late on in the day and if he's eating breakfast and dinner ok (which it sounds like he is) then there really is nothing to worry about.

You just need to let him know that he can't treat you like some kind of restaurant with the menu being whatever you have in the cupboards.

I know it goes against the grain to not feed them, but really, he will not be hungry. (or if he is, he will eat his tea)

FrannyandZooey · 10/03/2008 18:43

children have very definite opinions about what they like and don't like, and IMO this is not an issue to be making a battle out of

I wouldn't be jumping up and down getting lots of different options, but I would be offering a choice - both before and during the meal. So while you are cooking - "would you like potatoes or rice with this?" etc. During the meal "look, we have tomatoes, cucumber and carrot. What would you like?"

is he just 2? I wouldn't insist he ate at the table if he doesn't like it. He could eat a picnic on the floor on a rug, or you could sit on the sofa reading stories, it doesn;t really matter if he doesn't have all meals at the table

if he is eating 2 good meals out of 3 I would actually ignore any mucking about at tea time and not give a monkeys about it
offer nice things that you know he likes, let him get down if he wants to, and try not to show you are fussed about it
it's a difficult time of day, don't let it turn into a disaster area

Original poster

lilQuidditchKel · 10/03/2008 18:44

Squonk thanks for the advice. I have heard it before, and I have been faithfully trying to implement it, but for some reason every evening meal seems to become some sort of drama...

i suppose i have to just sit this out for 3 or 4 years. Poo.

OP posts:

FrannyandZooey · 10/03/2008 18:46

I think it will continue to be a drama if you insist on making it a discipline issue, ie "you must eat this or go hungry, and you must sit at the table to do it"

LittleMissTickles · 10/03/2008 18:46

With my DD2 (just turned 2) we have hit and miss dinner every night. As you said, the same course could be loved or refused. When I see the refusal coming, I bring out a favourite book, and start reading, only paging over after a bite - no fuss, no arguing, when she stops eating, I stop reading.

bonkerz · 10/03/2008 18:50

I try and make sure DD has a cooked lunch as she eats alot better at lunchtime than she does in the evening. For tea she snacks but i dont mind that. I do however only offer ONE meal but she has pasta at every meal too as i know she will eat it.

Original poster

lilQuidditchKel · 10/03/2008 18:53

FrannyandZooey - I appreciate your point - but problem is, he doesn't calmly refuse - he throws a wobbler - and in my house that sort of thing is not tolerated. I've been removing him from the table when he does this. Then he comes back wanting to get up to the table. But he'll refuse what I give him. Even throw his cup, fork, etc. Really it's got to stop...

OP posts:

JingleyJen · 10/03/2008 18:54

we don't have a battle with the kids about meal times but the rules have always been the same, you don't have to eat anything but you do have to sit at the table with us.
We do have our main cooked meal of the day at lunchtime though with no issues.. I find the boys are both tired by dinner time.

Good luck!

fryalot · 10/03/2008 18:55

They do like to play the throwing the cup/fork/plate on the floor game.

What fun we have in our house when that one gets going

FrannyandZooey · 10/03/2008 18:58

you don't tolerate a 2 year old having a wobbler?

sophiewd · 10/03/2008 19:07

DD sounds a lot like yours, if she doesn't eat it that's fine but I do not go and cook other stuff until I find something that she will eat, she also does the wobblers as well, she is 2, it happens and cucks her stuff, we don't make an issue out of it, we pick everything up take it out of her reach and when she comes back to the table we offer her some fruit

Original poster

lilQuidditchKel · 10/03/2008 19:10

FrannyandZooey - I just mean that if he throws a tantrum, I don't want to give in.

And at evening mealtime, he doesn't just refuse food in a calm way as if to say "sorry but I'm not hungry" he acts like I've given him rotten fish to eat and then screams for something else. I wish it were a matter of calm offering and refusal...

I'm fine with only giving him one option, one chance to eat it, I guess I'm just wondering if it's normal for DS to react so badly! I don't want to "give in/tolerate" his behaviour IYSWIM?

Should I take him away from the table if he refuses, not give him another chance to eat, and put him somewhere else where he'll not be able to get attention from his tantrum?

OP posts:

FrannyandZooey · 10/03/2008 19:23

yes I would say it was normal for 2 year olds to react very badly if given no choices and no options

I wasn't expecting him to be calmly refusing or anything like that. A 2 year old doesn't have those skills yet, the means of communicating he has a problems are tantrums etc

no I wouldn't do any of the things you have suggested, I would try to look at it from a completely different point of view - ie, not that he is very bad and you need to control him to stop him getting his own way and life becoming anarchy

I would try to see him as a small person going through a difficult and frustrating stage in life who needs your help

you can make life much easier on both of you by offering choices, distracting, using humour, not insisting on rules that really don't matter when a child is 2, and trying to make meal times as relaxed, pleasant and fun as possible

FrannyandZooey · 10/03/2008 19:24

sorry "the means he has, of communicating he has a problem, is tantrums etc"

Woollymummy · 10/03/2008 19:25

DD has just started saying "Don't like it!" when she hasn't even tried it, and bizarrely especially when she does actually like it, she is just tired. So we can it "Moomin Broccolli" or "Roman Candle sprouts" or whatever she is into at the time, and then they go down a treat....usually. I know its on a different scale, but it might help to try some ludicrous surreal food games. if you are in the mood that is.....

bubblagirl · 10/03/2008 19:26

i would try and get him involved with dinner time

were going to be having xxx this for dinner tonight do you want to help mummy prepare it

put him out of harms way and just find things small bowl of wayer with cutlery wash cutlery hold his hands and make him think his peeling potato

i always found my ds reacted more positively if he thought he had helped make it lots of praise etc while doing it

if then refuses give toast before bed

io could never put my ds to bed on empty belly if didnt eat before bed he would wake up all through night

the helping was good for him even now 2.10 he will get milk from fridge for me and we'll mash potato together

if introducing new foods do it at lunch time where it doesnt matter to much if doesnt eat much

before dinner give choice of 2 things were having fish and potatos or chicken and potatos for eg

which one do you want to help mummy cook for our tea? "good choice", "good boy" for helping

good luck

Acinonyx · 10/03/2008 19:28

I have this with dd, 2.8, a lot. I give her limited choices but it still often resutls in a meltdown. If she doesn't eat at dinner time she wakes up around4-5 am yelloing for food. Does this not happen to anyone else?

Othersideofthechannel · 10/03/2008 19:32

LilQuidditchkel, DD is 3 but doesn't always speak very clearly and has a short fuse and will still throw a wobbler if she is tired and doesn't fancy any of the choices at the table.
Even when she is communicating with calm words rather than pure rage, she will say 'I don't like that' to mean I don't want that now. We don't make any comment and she will often ask for it later in the meal.

DS however was refusing calmly when he was two but he has always been very verbal and calm compared to peers.

Spoo · 10/03/2008 19:38

My DSs are simlar (22mnths and 3yo) and I have pretty much given up on dinner time. We either have a 'picnic in the lounge' or something very light to offer. It is normally a peice of cheese, some ham, maybe a cooked veggie like broccolli but maybe some fruit and some tomatoes or something like that, together with brioche or flapjack. Then I just place it in front of them and leave them to it.
BTW I insist that they ask to get down from the table. In that way they realise that once they have left the table there is no more food. If they have a wobbler - I would just remove them and then their tea - no discussion. If they are having 1 good meal a day - I am happy. If not I try not to worry (but I do secretly without them knowing).

bubblagirl · 10/03/2008 19:49

it could be because his tired do cooked lunch and light tea at dinner time i had to do this with ds for a while until he was able to stay lively for longer

then at least you know had hot healthy meal inside him already so if a melt down later it wont affect to much but i found smaller meals made my ds less likely to throw a tantrum and can always offer what you have also

egg and soldiers are his fave for tea if has early dinner

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