My grumpy 4yo finding fault with everything is making me very sad

[Angie87]

Hi mums,

A bit of a vent.

My 4yo recently started school (was in nursery part-time before that).

Her behaviour since starting has just been terrible. She is rude, and will find any excuse to not be nice. She stubs her toe? Yells at me, says it was my fault. Can't do something? Refuses help and starts bawling her eyes out when she can't do it. Bedtime? A million reasons to cry about something or other. I ask her to do something? Ignores me. I ask her to NOT do something? She does it. Someone gives her something nice? Ungrateful. We do something fun (like a day out) that she should theoretically like, or she specifically asked to do? She'll find something to complain about.

She's a very picky eater, and would happily ignore every dinner time if she had her own way. She had a blood test earlier this year which showed no deficiencies (which I was a little surprised by, given how difficult she is with actual food). She's good at school, and has good speech, and teachers were happy with her progress at the end of nursery term. There are a few things that make her happy - playing with friends at school, animals, treats.

If I ask her to be nicer/change her behaviour, she just stares off into space when I'm talking, and will deliberately not listen to what I'm saying.

It sounds mean, but I just don't enjoy being around her right now. I feel like I've had all my positivity just drained from me. If anything, she just makes me want to cry. Sometimes I don't even feel sorry for her, because complaint after complaint just blurs into one long noise.

Her behaviour at school is good. She is very obedient around non-family adults/teachers. It's just at home, with us, that she is this way.

Can anyone recommend any books or video series? Something specifically for dealing with negativity in children? Thanks.

This is extremely normal at that age. She’s tired from school, she’s learning loads, having to behave “well” all the time, she’s following a routine, being away from home more etc. It’ll pass with time. Make sure she has a decent sleep, lots of good food (as much as you can with a picky one) and plenty of down time. Go gentle on her - it’s when our kids are most horrible that they need us the most.

Thanks for your reply, I get that it's a big change for her. I just feel devoid of energy right now to deal with it. She doesn't listen to me (or her dad). I've seen how her friends behave around their parents, and they seem a lot more reasonable, and happier than she is. I feel like I'm failing.

I promise you, you’re not. Some kids find the transition easier and also, you’re seeing them with their parents presumably at social things or out and about where they’ll behave differently.

When my kids were younger, DH and I took them to the beach one day, after the first week of school. They’d been particularly difficult, just like you’re explaining. When we were there, when we looked around, there were loads of kids of similar ages all losing it over minor things.

It’s a massive change and she’ll get there.

My DH was very good at saying to me “just focus on two important things” - for me that was no fighting with each other and no disrespect to me or DH. For you, find your trigger. It sounds like it might be that she doesn’t listen - I would highly recommend “How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk” - it was a game changer for me and I even use the techniques now sometimes, and mine are 13 and 11. They’re just so ingrained into me.

Honestly though, 4 is very little. They seem big but one day you’ll have a 13 year old and look at 4 year olds and go, “wow, I had very high expectations but they’re tiny children!”