DS uncomfortable with puberty

[cornflakesandtea]

DS is 11 and awaiting assessment for ADHD / autism. Our dog came into her first season and he asked questions so we thought it may be time to give him "the talk". His older sister is also due to start her periods any time soon and feel like it would be good for him to understand why she might turn into a raging hormonal mess for a while.

We offered him an age appropriate book to read that we've been saving for this time (Usborne - What's happening to me? For boys), went away, and asked him to come and see us with questions. This is how we gave DD the talk as we figured the book would give more information than we possibly could. It covers all grounds and is, as I said, age appropriate.

Well... it turns out it was not well received. We came back after 20 minutes or so and found him very upset and crying. He said he didn't like the book, that it was "inappropriate" (his words). I explained to him that the content wasn't inappropriate but it made him feel uncomfortable, and that was okay. We asked him why he felt it was inappropriate and he couldn't tell us, just that he didn't like the book.

We had a little talk and he shut down (as he usually does when he doesn't like something) so we decided that we would revisit this in a few months time. He said no, he doesn't want to, he doesn't like the book, he's going to burn it (he's not actually going to burn the book but we'll hide the matches just in case!). He's pretty adamant it won't happen again. We've told him to keep the book safe and if he has any questions then he can refer back to it or he can ask us.

So my question is how can I make him feel more comfortable with the changes that will inevitably come? Obviously I've started this too soon, he's not ready to know. I apologised to him for that but I also let him know that even though he wasn't ready mentally that his body will do it anyway and that I'm not trying to frighten him but get him prepared for these changes. He's always been immature for his age and behind in emotional development but I need to help him understand that it's going to happen.

Please?

Phew, what a difficult situation. Speaking as someone who tried to do something similar to you, and totally mis-handled this myself... landing it on him all at once might have been a bit much. This is what, with hindsight, I would try instead:

For a kid with ASC or late development you can't just wait for him to grow into the book. Like you wouldn't just wait for him to grow into reading, or social skills. It's another of these developmental "start from where he is now and add a little bit more at a time" things. So you need to talk to him, gradually, one topic at a time.

Maybe start with whatever is least likely to be threatening to him? Or even positive? Like, he will start getting taller and stronger? How tall would he like to grow? How tall are you, and his Dad? And see how he feels about that. Body hair and sexual development feel more threatening to a lot of boys, tackle those later.

Maybe offer to take the book away, and put it in a place that isn't "his space" but he knows where it is and he can still get at it if he wants it.

Also, you might also get better advice and resources for how to approach this with ASC-ish boys (who can be very resistant to change) on the MN Special Needs board.

Also talk separately and neutrally about the dog. The dog is a good opportunity to build up towards "where babies come from" but don't try to connect directly with his own family until he seems confident about that. In terms of the family I wouldn't try to get ahead of what will happen, explain things as they happen and as he notices them. Keep it mostly objective and physical and concrete (google "Social Stories" for one of the ways to put this kind of thing across)

I dunno if that helps. Like I say, I didn't really talk to my DC properly at the time, and with hindsight I regret that.

With my first son we started talking about how great it would be to be getting older, how he could meet his friends in town, go to Mac Donald’s together etc, how he could have a bit more pocket money. Basically showed him that puberty and growing up were both natural but also came with big advantages like growing taller and stronger, eventually being able to drive etc.