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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Should I just let this go? Dh thinks so.

22 replies

WigWamBam · 09/03/2008 13:13

Dd pushed the cat over the rail at the top of the stairs last night - there is a turn in the staircase, so the cat fell quite a distance, hitting herself on a cupboard as she fell.

Dd was distraught, screaming and crying and in obvious distress. She insisted that she had been stroking the cat when she "slipped" and accidentally pushed the cat off.

I don't quite believe her. She was standing still stroking the cat and had been there long enough for her footing to be firm. There is nothing she could have slipped on.

The main reason I am suspicious is that we had been reading a book about cats earlier in the day, and dd had been fascinated by the section on how cats land on their feet when they fall. There was a sequence of pictures which she kept going back to look at, and she was asking questions about it for ages. I suspect she wanted to test it out - but hadn't realised how frightened the cat would be, and how much it could have hurt her.

Dh thinks that dd's distress last night is punishment enough; he also feels that, as it upset her so much, she's unlikely to try anything like that again. And in a way I agree. But I feel as if I need to do something else - I feel that she's got away very lightly considering how badly she could have hurt the cat. I hate being lied to as well, and I really think she's lied about this to cover her own backside.

I understand the need to experiment. I understand the need to lie to cover up what she's done. And I'm half inclined to let it lie. But I don't want her to think that she can get away with this kind of thing unpunished.

She's coming up for seven, by the way. And the cat is fine - but won't come anywhere near dd!

Any thoughts would be gratefully received!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Sidge · 09/03/2008 13:26

I would leave it. I think she realised that what she did was wrong, and has seen the consequence of her actions.

I can't see that she will do it again even if the cat gave her the opportunity!

elesbells · 09/03/2008 13:28

I agree with your DH - its probably scared the living daylights out of her.

SoupDragon · 09/03/2008 13:29

I agree with your DH. She was obviously distressed at having hurt the cat, I think this is a lesson learned. Maybe a quiet chat about how the cat could have been badly hurt and how she "needs to be careful" when stroking the cat if it's up high.

And don't mention that they do better falling from higher places as they have time to turn

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 09/03/2008 13:31

I would leave it for now and if she asks why the cat won't go near her tell her why. Also a little talk about how lying isn't acceptable if you get an opportunity. I am sure she didn't mean to hurt the cat.

WanderingTrooley · 09/03/2008 13:31

Hmmm..I see your point entirely, but am inclined to agree with your dh.

HAving said that, I would find an opportunity to make a few choice remarks about how silly it would be to try at home something I had read in a book, because sometimes things can go wrong. Just to hammer the point home, really. I don't usually think it's a good idea to play on anyone's guilt, but it might make clear a very serious point. I would also point out that the cat seems to blame dd, how odd, why would it think that....

It does sound fishy - not that your dd intended to hurt the cat, obv, just that she wanted to experiment. Maybe you could mention that cats are more likely to land on their feet if they jump, not if they're pushed/slip.

Poor dd does sound like she's regretting it already and a lesson has been learnt, though.

Aitch · 09/03/2008 13:34

i'd maybe point out that you have to believe her, because the alternative, that she did push the cat and is now lying about it on top of that, would be so dreadfully disappointing. and then let it go.

Original poster

WigWamBam · 09/03/2008 14:09

Hmm - good point about not telling her that they fall better from higher places, Soupy!

Aitch, I pretty much said that to her last night. Maybe that was enough.

I'm sure you're all right that she didn't mean to hurt the cat, but the poor old cat is ill - she has cystitis - and dd knows that.

I think I'll leave it for now - thank you all. But if she turns into a raving psychopath I'll know who to blame

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jsygurl · 09/03/2008 14:18

Your daughter sounds scared to tell you the truth, and that is what I would work on - honesty between you is desperately important. I would sit down and have a talk with her, saying that you want to be totally honest with her, saying what you think she did, and saying that you understand that she did not understand that the cat could be hurt, and that you know she must feel awful about this, but that you feel she is not being totally honest with you, and that is hurting you. Dad can be there too, if that suits, and do it at a time and place where she feels secure and comfortable, and she'll probably admit all and be relieved to do so.

Aitch · 09/03/2008 14:33

yeah that's true, wwb, i'd maybe re-iterate that you do believe her because blah blah blah but that if it turned out that she remembered that things had happened differently that she'd originally said, you'd respect her for being grown-up and mature enough to tell her. you know, to give her an out, if you like?

oh it's difficult stuff, this getting older, isn't it?

Original poster

WigWamBam · 09/03/2008 14:58

You're not wrong, aitch!

We've never had any problems with her behaviour before but all of a sudden she's pushing boundaries like there's no tomorrow. And she thinks she's the boss ... tis hard. I might try what you've suggested.

jsygurl, I do agree that honesty is important; I think that's why I felt I needed to do or say something else.

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nancyspain · 09/03/2008 15:40

My six year old is often very angry and says he hates his elder brother, sometimes he says he hates himself and wants to kill himself. He is doing well at school, has lots of friends and is happy alot of the time at home. He has always fought with his brother who is very bossy etc. We have tried lots of reactions when he says these things including of course trying to find out why he is so cross or sad. My h says that he thinks it is for attention and that I encourage it in a way by cuddling him when he talks like this. I sort of know what he means but it is very hard to know what to do when your child says these things- h says he knows what buttons to press. He is a very sensitive child - if someone tells him off for something he gets very upset, and sulks etc. Does anyone have any ideas please?

nancyspain · 09/03/2008 15:51

I'm sorry to have blabbed on in reply to your problem i should have made a new message instead.

BoysOnToast · 09/03/2008 15:57

sorry wwb, have only read the op so aplogies if its moved on or am repeating...

i would say that her seeing how badly it went is prob more 'punishment' than you woudl think, and so i dont think there is any need for further punishment.

i do get the lying thing tho... i think you could legitimately, at a calm moment and in a non-threatening way, let her know that youd rather she tell you the truth about things, that you hope she isnt so afraid of your anger that she wouldnt be able to tell you theb truth. also that you understand about making mistakes, and perhaps describe one of your own, so she knows youre not getting at her...

its prob the lying bit that would niggle me too tbh.

WideWebWitch · 09/03/2008 16:03

I think the fright she got is punishment enough but you could talk to her in a general way about lying and stuff. I should think she was so terrified by what she'd done she lied in a panic, I'd let her off BUT tell various tales illustrating why lying as an instinct is wrong

Original poster

WigWamBam · 09/03/2008 16:37

Well, I had a low-key chat with her about what happened last night, and about lying, and she's still adamant that she didn't, and wouldn't, do it on purpose.

She keeps saying that she knows I don't believe her, and when I said that I have to believe her because the alternative would be so much worse, she just said "But if you didn't have to believe me then you wouldn't".

How do you answer that?? Talk about damned if you do, damned if you don't!

I just said that I think trust is very important, that we need to be able to trust each other to tell the truth, and because of that I believe her. Although I don't! I just don't want her to think I don't trust her because I don't want to set up trust problems in the future.

I think I have to leave it now. Hopefully lesson learned - in more ways than one.

Thank you all

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Pheebe · 09/03/2008 16:41

I would leave it too, sounds like your daughters conscience has taken care of it. i think I might try and have a little conversation about how wonderful it is the cats ok and how important it is to tell the truth when someones hurt so mummy cknows how to help them. children enact from books all the time, sometimes we want them to sometimes not, it can be hard or them to tell the difference and if she obviously genuinely thought the cat would be ok i think i'd find it hard to be really angry with her

BoysOnToast · 09/03/2008 17:22

agh! totla pita when they outmaneouvre you in one fell perfectly logical step, isnt it?

Original poster

WigWamBam · 09/03/2008 18:15

Yep

And they're so good at it too, once they reach this age!

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BoysOnToast · 09/03/2008 19:59

dang, well im in for some trouble then... my 4, 3 and 2yos can do it to me already [doomed]

Original poster

WigWamBam · 09/03/2008 20:36

Oooh, I thought dd was good at it when she was younger, but it's gone to new levels recently.

I can't wait for her teenage years ...

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Hulababy · 09/03/2008 20:41

I agree with DH. I think it sounds like your DD has scared herself plenty by it, and there is no way for you to prove it was anything other than an accident anyway.

I can't see her ever trying anything like it again, even if it was as you suspect.

Just reiterate at other times how nicely she is being with your cat, how she is loking after it well, caring fr it, and how important it is to take care of the cat, etc.

Original poster

WigWamBam · 09/03/2008 21:05

The cat doesn't seem to have any intentions of letting dd anywhere near her at the moment, Hula!

It's a real shame actually because the cat has always been very wary of dd and kept well clear - it's only over the last few months that she has ventured anywhere near, and only the last few weeks that she's let her stroke her without getting stressed and running away. We seem to be back to square one again now, which has upset dd even more. Dd wanted to find the cat tonight to say sorry to her, but of course the cat was nowhere to be seen.

I don't think she'll try it again either so dh and I have agreed to let it drop now.

OP posts:

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