Behaviour since starting school

[Mummyme32]

Our 5yo (Sept bday) has just done his first 5 weeks at school.

3 times at the end of the day I’ve been told he’s hit/kicked another child. I initiated a further conversation with the teachers about it as I was worried. Turns out the past 3 weeks he’s been hitting/kicking/poking a lot. In classroom and playground The teacher said no trigger, not angry, not because he can’t share/take turns/ talk well enough etc.

A few times at parties/park now I’ve seen him randomly poke/hit/kick kids. It’s not hard. It’s just like he’s winding them up but teacher said he only seems to do it to girls and kind of shy/anxious boys.

Now a couple of the girls are really scared of him and sort of scream whenever he goes near them. I’m mortified. One of the mums has told me her daughter finds him too rough.

School have suggested we take him to the GP - why might this be? Do they think he’s autistic? ADHD or something.

they are going to try

• star chart
• piling on praise
• close supervision of play
• moving his carpet spot

But what can I do? I feel so helpless! I hate thinking other kids don’t like him and other parents! He’s such a fun kid! He’s got some good friends in the class that he never hurts. But I took him to a party today and felt like I had to watch him like a hawk because he was constantly bouncing into people in the bouncy castle and whacking people with his balloon sword. Three times little girls ran off crying!

I’m feeling really worried about him hitting other kids and having a bad reputation!

He was in a school nursery setting before and was a bit boisterous but not hurting people like this.

I'm sure it’s just settling into school - hopefully! But has anyone had anything similar? Any advice?

Any tips on how not to feel terrible about it all the time and paranoid everyone is slagging him off?

Sorry, no experience of this situation but I agree you want to nip this behaviour in the bud if you can, assuming it’s not SEN. What is the consequence when you see him doing it? Did you remove the balloon sword at the party?

Yes I took the balloon sword - he only had it for about 30 seconds 🤦🏼‍♀️
I didn’t let him go back on the bouncy castle after I saw him being too rough either.
I try to explain to him I can’t let you do that if is going to mean xx gets upset.

It was exhausting watching him at the party. Felt like I had to watch him like a hawk. But sometimes I think it’s just normal 5yo boy behaviour and others I feel like he must have ADHD or something else going on.

At home he’s a really caring, fun big and little brother and he’s got lots of friends who he has a great time with and never hurts.

Parties maybe it’s understandable he’s overexcited, his behaviour is going to need more monitoring? But I feel really helpless because we can’t manage his behaviour in school.

I'm a primary teacher. Starting school is tough and it may just be he needs a bit more settling time - is he showing any signs of anxiety?
Regarding the gp, I'm not sure what they're getting at. Most areas won't diagnose ADHD until around age 6 or 7 because a lot of the bahabiour can just be immaturity.
I'd ask to speak to the class teacher / sendco (in a proper meeting, not just 5 mins at home time) and ask what they're thinking you'll get from the GP who I honestly think will tell you to monitor and return in a few months. They may be saying there's no trigger, but are there certain times / scenarios that he's struggling with (eg, unstructured play, noisy times etc).

Yes he’s been really sad and anxious going in most days. Really sobbing at drop off it’s awful and not like him at all! And always saying he doesn’t want to go to school. He’s usually happy by pick up time though and teachers say he’s really smiley and has a great time. He’s actually flown through his baseline test and they have no complaints about his learning at all.

It seems to be mostly on the carpet at the end of the day. They were the three incidents that were reported to me anyway but after discussing it with the teachers it sounds like he’s doing it in the playground too. One little girl told me at the party that he hurts her in the playground 😭 But then the little girls in his class who are siblings of his sister’s friends seem to love him and have no complaints about hitting them.

He did say to me that he doesn’t like how loud and busy it is at school and that there are so many people - when I was trying to talk to him about why he doesn’t like it. I actually wonder though if he just doesn’t really know how to make new friends and this is his way of trying to engage with other children. His best friend from outside school is in another class and almost all of his nursery friends went to another school. He has two nursery friends in his class but they both have really good friends from outside nursery in the class too. So now I’m thinking about it maybe he feels a bit left out and not so popular as he was in nursery.

I’m going to try and talk to teachers properly as soon as they are back. They were saying it had escalated in that last week before the holiday. So maybe it was just that it was all a bit much for him and he was really tired and needing the half term holiday.

I’m going through waves of really worrying about it and then thinking it’s just a reaction to starting school and will settle!

It does sound to me like tiredness and adjusting. If it's worse at the end of the day and worse just before half term then that makes sense.
Could you ask him which children he likes and approach their parents and try to arrange some playdates to help make friends?

Yes that’s a good idea - thank you. Really want to feel like I’m doing something to help.

I am afraid that as soon as he started being rough with the children at that party, I wouldn't have taken the balloon sword off him - he'd have been leaving right there and then and punished some more at home. Have you actually talked to him about what it means to be a bully who picks on weaker boys and girls and how people will judge him for that and you are ashamed of his behaviour (because you clearly are upset about it)? He is old enough to understand that what he is doing is wrong. He is not so emotionally upset that he picks on kids that would knock him into the middle of next week for his behaviour either so it's not an involuntary thing.