How much 'telling off' should I have done?

[sammysam]

I'm really not sure at what age they begin to understand.

dd (19 months) currently has an obsession with my make up bag and any stationary (prob will be on-going as my whole family including me are obsessed )

I've told her no so many times, have put all out of reach etc, but on days like today when dp put a marker pen in the sideboard drawer (shouldn't be put there!) dd sniffed it out and proceeded to draw all over her wheely bug and the carpet (all whilst i was on the loo!) what should i do?

I told her off-put her in her cot whilst i tried to save the poor bug and carpet. She was sobbing her heart out. i was angry. i've never been able to leave her to cry before. I felt so bad, but still angry. I wanted her to say sorry, but that is not one of her 3 words

how much would she have understood? what should i have done?

Sorry for the rant

I think she's too young for anything other than you are doing.

If you don't want her having these things, you have to make sure they are out of the way - she didn't mean any harm, no matter how much damage she's done. The pen was there, and she is too young to fully understand that she shouldn't use it.

With regard to saying sorry - she doesn't understand the word yet, let alone know how to say it. Empathy is something that she won't have for a while yet; she'll get there but she's much too young at the moment.

Keep her out of harm's way - and keep harm out of her way.

Oh dear. We all have bad days, don't worry! Easy for me to say but I think ideally I'd have been a bit less angry (you say she was sobbing). She's only little and can't resist the pen... it's a reasonable thing to do from a 19 mo point of view. Not that you want her to do it, of course. It's dp's fault, really, for leaving the pen there - although again, he's only human.

I think ideally I'd have told her off, calmly and briefly, explained that pens are for paper and let her see how much hard work clearing up was (although I doubt that would make much impression at that age).

i had a similar thing the other month when dd was that age- she drew over my hall wall. i saw her and told her no thats naughty and put her in different room whilst i sorted it out- big thing for her as she is soo clingy to me.
she hasnt done it since- if she finds pens etc she now asks for paper

I know she ment no harm and at that age they can't resist-it's just how many times do I have to explain-or at what age do they begin to actually understand?

I only shouted no and then used a very stern voice but that always makes her cry-the sobbing part came because she is never left to cry and i did this time whilst i cleaned up. I felt so bad about it afterwards because i know taht she isn't used to that and she must have been so sad

As for the saying sorry thing-i didn't expect her to say it (i know she can't) it just would have ment that i knew she was sorry for what she did iyswim?
On the whole she is a very empathetic little being-she gets upset when she sees other people crying, and when I lost my Grandma last year and I was crying she was beside herself-i had to try to explain to her that it was ok-mummy was sad but that she didn't have to be.

Some days when no amout of saying no has any effect it just get you down.

Over the weekend i will search the house for all hidden pens and lock them away!!!!

Thanks for listening

Not her fault - too young to understand.

Make sure things are out of her reach. If she's doing something dangerous - eg my dd stands up in her highchair, tell her firmly to "sit down" or whatever the positive course of action is - eg "give the ming vase to mummy darling" . Be firm but gentle (hard when she has redecorated the room in felt tip).

Avoid 'no' as much as possible - makes them cry, they don't know why, just that you're cross with them.

If you do have to stop her doing something, distract rather than repeating to her not to do something. I try and quickly find a replacement wonderful thing (a peg) before removing a dangerous object (a knife) from her.

She's too small for the whole consequence and sorry business.

I would say do no telling off at all at this age.

She is way too young to understand. However, yes it is a pain. You and DH will have to always make sure you put everything out of reach.

Most parents, at some stage, will have walls/floors drawn on and make up ruined.

I wish distraction still worked-it hasn't for a good few months now-she is very determined and focused when she is 'busy'.

fondant-when would you start telling off?

If she could have said sorry you still wouldn't have known she meant it ... she doesn't because she doesn't know what it means yet.

She will be closer to three than to two before she has enough empathy to understand.

Small children don't remember that they shouldn't do things - again, they are closer to three before that starts to sink in. They need telling, and telling, and telling, and telling again.

She is still tiny. You can tell her off until you are blue in the face - she will not remember that there are things you don't like her doing unless you reinforce and reinforce. Every time she picks up a pen, remind her that it's only to be used on paper. Take it away if she uses it on anything else.

And next time your husband leaves a marker pen where she can reach it, tell him off, not her!

I agree with WWB, telling her off and making her say sorry will just not work at the moment.

Realising the consequences of her actions and regretting them wont come until she is 2.5 to 3yo.

I did tell them off when they were younger though, but not too sternly.

I think the most important thing is not to harp on about it for ages. Tell her that what she is done is not ok, that if she wants to draw she has to draw on paper then leave it.

Perhaps I should start my own thread

I bet we've all reacted to things our dear toddlers have done, then remembered that they don't understand. Don't be too harsh on yourself Sammysam. I think at that age they can begin to understand no and even explaining why you got cross (even though they won't understand the meaning of the words). Because their understanding comes so gradually that it doesn't harm to use language they will have to learn and hear lots of times early e.g. we want to keep the carpet nice, don't spoil your toys. Babies needs us to talk to them even though they don't understand the content - same principle I think.

Thanks cornflake-was having a really bad day and really bad period pains. I felt so bad afterwards as i know we are way off dd being able to understand.

Sorry for not getting back sammysam.

If you were ideal blessed parent then I would probably say never tell off - always support and explain

In real life I'd say that about 3 is when I started saying to dd "Please don't do so and so" and just over 4 is when I started saying "FGS how many times do I have to ask you...." - mind you that's when dd2 had just been born!

But I still make an effort to say positive action 'draw on the paper with pens sweetie' (moving pen away from wall - rather than 'stop drawing on the walls!!!!!"

I agree with Cornflake. Honestly, what harm did being put in the cot do her? Yes, she didn't like it and she's not used to it but she was safe and she wasn't left for hours. It was the best thing to do if you were angry (and who could blame you). In fact, if I'm honest, I'm impressed that you put her in the cot and sorted out the bug rather than just ranting at her - which lets face it is normally the more tempting option.