How can we persuade ds that he does, in fact, have TWO parents?

[PhDlifeNeedsaNewLife]

Ds has never let dh settle him, not since he was about 8wks old. (Okay, not never, but as good as.) Dh baths him every night (lately there is screaming unless I'm in there too), plays with him, reads stories, helps feed him dinner, helps dress/change him evenings and weekends. He is genuinely besotted with ds and shows him much love and affection (and much more fun than I am!). Ds also sleeps between us most nights.

But if we leave ds with dh and I disappear, ds always ends up sobbing, sooner rather than later. When I was working 1 afternoon/week ds would scream most of the 4hrs I was away. And if ds wakes, he will cry harder if dh goes to settle him.

Demoralising for dh, exhausting for me. Is there anything we can do about this?

Will be watching this thread with interest...my ds is very similar.

He refuses to let dh do anything for him and just screams for mummy.

Sometimes when it's all getting a bit ridiculous, dh and ds have a day out together. This seems to do the trick and they come back best of friends. Think it may be time for another of these days out as ds is pretty bad at the moment - I can't even have a shower on my own!

I'm pretty sure it's just a phase they go through, but can recommend sending them off for the day together (or even just the morning).

yes.
you need to go away for the weekend and leave them to it. the first 12 hours or so will be screaming, but then eventually ds will realise he is not getting his own way and will settle for what is on offer. Then by day 2 he will actually have got over that you are not there and will start to enjoy his dad. it sounds like your kid has taken control of your family rather than you have taken control of your kid. I did it too with DS1. Get it back now, the sooner the better!
Honestly - go away for a weekend, don't bring a mobile phone and keep ringing every 20 seconds, just go, leave the number of the friends house / hotel you'll be at and do not go back until at least 48 hours have gone past. If you go back because of screaming, you might as well not go and will have made the situation worse.
honestly, get it together. he only cries harder when your dh goes to settle him because he knows eventually you will come in and see him if he cries hard enough, this is a situation totally of your own creating.

of course - we should have left him carry to on screaming for hours at 8 weeks old when it started, that would've taught him who was boss!

okay so probably we should've sorted it at some point before this but he is still only 10m old, I kind of thought he might grow out of it as he grew more used to dh helping care for him, which he couldn't so much do early on.

It depends on how much you want things to change. You sound like you are doing as much as you can to try and sort this without causing too much upset. I wish you the best of luck.

My ds still has moments of this coming upto 5, although it does get better. Him and his dad are the best of friends - its just that sometimes the child wants the love and security of you.

Keep leaving them together for small amounts of time, gradually making it longer as he gets more comfortable at being left. Hopefully this will help - if not comfort yourself that when he's a teenager you won't see him for dust

at 10 months old gecko was quite alot like this still
but now at 13 months she happily goes to dh to settle down for the night

its very hard
hope you get it sorted soon

no not at 8 weeks old, ok. but seriously, it is not nice for your son to do this much screaming on a regular basis. much better you have one weekend of screaming, and then he will realise that he has 2 parents who are equally nice to cuddle and play with etc, and he will feel much more balanced about it all. Its not just you who will be being stressed out by the screaming - being the screamer is not very nice either!
THey don't grow out of what they are still experiencing as normal every day.

when he screams and Dh goes to him, do you eventually go in and take over?
If yes, then that could be one small way to start off - just don't. put on your ipod, and don't listen. Let dh know you trust him as well, that you don't need to come to the rescue every time.

You have caused this situation, but I can't think of many mums who haven't caused it! I certainly did, and the longer you leave it to sort it, the harder and harder it is.

what is school going to be like? will you have to enrol also?

imo, babies just want their mum at this stage [part of the whole oh gosh i am a separate person to mummy and i'm not sure i entirely like it thing that kicks in a few months either side of their first birthday]. it won't last forever, its not something that needs "sorting" and you haven't caused it. carry on letting dh do his share and ride it out.

you have caused it.
if DH and you shared 50/50 from day 1 there would be nothing to sort. but i don't think anyone manages that .its not something to feel bad about, i siad you'd caused it to make you see that you can uncause it!
seriously - its worth it, i went skipping down the road one day when it was finally sorted and i went shopping, alone, when ds was about 5 months, and there was no screaming just a lovely bye bye and peace of mind for me knowing there would be no big dramas.
when i got back i found that dp had turned his back 'for 2 seconds' and ds1 had helped himself to most of a packet of wotsits.
that is probably not the most encouraging story.

thought I might try sending them out together on weekends - ds can tolerate a lot when he is entertained...

PSCMUM.

PhD, it depends. If you think your DS is being 'manipulative' or 'naughty' by behaving like this, then you could take a tough approach as suggested.

If you think this is a natural part of his psychological development, and a useful survival trait of human infants (to ensure their mums stay near them) then a gentle approach might be more appropriate.

It seems the consensus on this thread is that all babies go through this stage - imo, it's testament to the fact that you're a good mum to your ds - so I certainly wouldn't blame yourself that 'you have caused the situation'.

i think that is a good idea, if you can't bear the whole weekend away thing, but that is what i'd recommend, it gets the whole painful thing over in one 48 hour stretch. but you need to be physically away and unabel to intervene at all for it to work,. and you need to do it regularly also.
its hard, its really hard, but a happy mum makes a happy baby so you need to get back in the driving seat!

i don't think he is being manipulative or naughty at all. i think he is just crying for what he is used to. Its not tough to leave him with his dad for gods sake! I'm not suggesting you send him down a coal mine. I'm just suggesting you leave the two of them alone for a good stretch of time so that your child realises that daddy is fun too!
I maintain you and your DH have caused it. I caused it too. That is how I can see. And every other mum i know did eactly the same - did the vast bulk of the parenting herself, the dad didn't get a look in, whether becasue of breastfeeding or whatever, and then suddenly after a year the mums were like 'hang on this is bloody exhausting, i quite fancy sharing this load!' and then had to go through all this stressful weaning their children off the exclusive relationship. its not that your kid is naughty or that you have done something bad, its just that it is in your control. and it is crealy upsetting you so you should sort it.

pscmum, we did pretty damn close to share 50/50 from day 1. but there came a time, as I said, when ds was around 8 weeks old, when he simply Would. Not. Settle. for dh. So then we had a choice: let him scream, or let me settle him.

I can see that we have maybe let it go on a bit long, but the original issue arose in his head, not in anything we were doing.

I can't see that I'd want it sorted enough to let a baby cry for a whole day. Or possibly longer. There are many things I expect him to learn to be able to do differently between now and when he starts school in 3.5 years time, and I guess this is one of them.

he wont cry for a whole day. what does your dh do to him? (joke)
its not 50/50 if you settle him every night though is it?
i don't know, do what you like, i just know i have been through this, i know what works, and i ended up with a much happier baby after just one night of leaving my hapless dp alone with ds1 while i stayed at my sisters., it was hard, but dp said he slept for most of the night no prob (wherase for me it would be up every 5 mins - cos he knew I'd come and it was wroth waking up for"!) and then the next day they went swimming and had a great time (exceppt for the wotsits) and I came home in the evening and ds1 didn't rush into my arms to see me, he waited at least 5 seconds.

anyway, you sound like you're happy enough with the current screamathon, so just enjoy it. Maybe buy some ear protectors.

And remember, screaming your head off night and day is a good part of your psychological development. Though it might irritate the neighbours slightly and send you around the bend.

hi phd, if i were you i'd start leaving ds with dh for short periods, maybe just go upstairs for a while. then a little longer and build up to not being there for a few hours/a day. A friend had the same problem leaving her dd with her dh. SHe just screamed the entire time. It's nothing either of you have done. They go throught these phases and you should try to carry on as if it's not happening as much as you can. Hard I know.

My ds(same age as yours) didn't like being left with dh at all until he was about 5 months. Mainly due to me being his main careras dh always looked after dd when we were both around since she is 3 and demands daddy

I think the only thing that'll 'cure' it is to leave ds and dh together. Will dh be able to ignore the screams(mine can. drives me nuts)

HTH

You and your DH is doing all the right things, but your DS is in the separation anxiety phase. Carry on doing what you're doing and your DH will just have to keep a thick hide to the hurt . They do upset us Dads sometimes with the constant 'MaaaaaMaaaaaaaa' but it's only natural.

PSCMum does have a point; DW has been working away all week and DS is so much more affectionate to me as there's no alternative for him! But when Mum gets back I'll surely be snubbed again...

thank the lord for dadada

do you mind if i ask how much time you/your dh spend with your dc relatively?

my dd is now 10mo and until she was about 5/6mo she used to cry much more when dp would take care of her for a while on a weekend to give me a rest. tbh this wasn't always totally easy. when dd was really howling, i used to go and help, tell dp what she seemed to need etc etc. but if she was just grizzly i used to try to give it space and let him get on with it. to me, dp is her dad and should be able to look after her aswell. he used to need 'help' sometimes, but i think dashing in there each time dd cried could have undermined him. now, dd is very very attached to dp, and even prefers him to me sometimes!

i definietely think, give it a bit more space. i'm not saying disappear for a weekend after all this time. but i would leave your oh to it a little bit more. even if you can hear crying. maybe try to disappear for a couple of hours....

dadada, that's all i ever hear, literally!!! no mamamama yet! dp is my dd's favourite these days boo hoo

DaDaDa is easier to say I think. DS (16 months) only lately started up with Mummeeeee; sometimes now he calls me Mummmmeeee too!

Phd (if it's not too personal a question) are you still bf? DS settles really well for me, and that started when I gave him a bottle as DW was having a night out. It was around the time DW wanted to drop that feed anyway (she was returning to work), so we just pressed on with that being one of my jobs. No bf/ff controversy intended!

How old is he now?

PhD I think your idea of sending them out at the weekend is a good one.

When we tell ds (23 months old) that he is going on an adventure with daddy and that they are going on the train, he's a little angel for his dad. They go out for a couple of hours and have so much fun. It has to be an adventure though. A trip round Tesco just doesn't cut it (he gets to do that every other day with mummy!).

Sometimes they take the train up into London, go and buy some daffodils or a chocolate bar for mummy and then just come home. But to ds, it's an adventure. And to dh, it's some quality time with his little boy without any shouts for mummy.

Hope you find something that works soon. It's hard on the dads when mummy is the only one that seems to make things better. Hugs to all of you.

Thanks bouncingblueberries. he's too little to udnerstand adventure but at least I would get some down-time!

eddas I like your suggestion but the flat is just too small. unless I was to hide out in the bath...

Yes I am still bfing, dadada - that is a whole other can of worms! But you are quite right, he is in the throes of intense separation anxiety, which makes me wonder if now is quite the right time to start teaching him to go with his dad. Until last weekend ds was sometimes okay about napping with his dad - last weekend (and ever since) he has howled whenever I leave the room.

I'm not particularly desperate to change it - after all it's not like I have anything else to do, whereas dh is working f/t and studying - but when we have a bad evening (last night was dreadful), dh and I both wish he could step in and give me a break. But perhaps now's not the time to address it.

My first DS was like this. Please remember he is still only little. Make sure he does lots of fun things with daddy - soft play?- where he doesn't have time to miss you. He will eventually associate dh with fun times. In a few months time the balance should be a bit easier.

I do feel for you but it will pass.

I think you shouldn't worry too much that your son is a Mummy's boy. He is a baby fgs and its normal for a baby to have a primary attachment to one person especially if the baby is bf.

As your child gets older he will seperate more easily. I think that yur DH needs to spend plenty of time with your baby and the bond will form.

You need time rather than leaving your baby to cry it out.