Page 2 | ********************ing hell

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 2008-03-06T17:41:37+00:00

DS1 is off on one and I have had enough. I nearly bloody hurt him. Didn't though. Scared me. Why oh flipping why

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

whirly · 06/03/2008 21:04

Does he behave like this with other adults at home? Like the in-laws? Or is it just you that he rages at? My DS does it no matter who is at our house, but is generally fine at someone elses house. Particularly if he is happily playing with his friends.
Analysing it, the last 2 tantrums were (in retrospect) because he thought I would say no to him about something. I am bossy!

choccypig · 06/03/2008 21:07

This will probably sound a bit lentil eweavery, but have you considered trying no computer time whatsoever?

I found DS was aggressive (inculding physically) with me if he watched any TV. and he has improved a lot since we binned it. I believe the flickering screen actually affects the brain. A bit like strobe lights bringing on epileptic fits in some people.

I have a horrible feeling the Computer has the same effect; trouble is it so useful and such fun, so would be hard to ban completely.

choccypig · 06/03/2008 21:07

This will probably sound a bit lentil eweavery, but have you considered trying no computer time whatsoever?

I found DS was aggressive (inculding physically) with me if he watched any TV. and he has improved a lot since we binned it. I believe the flickering screen actually affects the brain. A bit like strobe lights bringing on epileptic fits in some people.

I have a horrible feeling the Computer has the same effect; trouble is it so useful and such fun, so would be hard to ban completely.

whirly · 06/03/2008 21:16

I don't find TV affects my DS adversely at all, but more than 15mins on the computer (only on cbeebies / learning ladder-type thing) and he goes mental when you say time's up - he's so competetive and gets very absorbed by trying to win.
Is your DS very sporty / physical?

Original poster

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 07/03/2008 07:34

There was a time when he wouldn't dare play his dad up like he did me but he is the same with both of us now and has started playing up at the inlaws but not as bad as with us. Mind you, they don't always tell us stuff.

He came and apologised to me this morning after his dad had said he needed to think about last night. He said he didn't know why he behaved like that and I suggested he needed to learn how to control himself. He is being fine at the moment.

I really want to find something for him to do after school. He enjoyed a karate taster lesson but we can't afford the £100 a month it was going to cost for 2 lessons a week. Does anyone know how I can find out about local sessions? We stopped at the park after school yesterday but we tend to just come straight home. Yesterday I said no tv or computer at all as I want them playing but I can't remember what set him off at all.

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whirly · 07/03/2008 12:48

Does the school do any clubs after school? They are usually free. What about football? There are loads of kids kickaround teams on a weekend around our area that are free. Clubs are expensive if they are learning something, but what about Beavers (pre Cubs)- my son LOVES it and its 50p a week!

Original poster

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 07/03/2008 12:59

I want to find something for him to do but don't know where to start looking. The school doesn't do anything for his age, I think it is the older children who have clubs.

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crazyjimbob · 07/03/2008 14:54

Hi. If you are looking for info. relating to leisure activities in your area suitable for your son you could try looking on your local council website under "leisure" - ours has good info. Another thing is to try the netmums site and see if there is a site for your local area. Usually these list leisure activities in your area (or you could post a question direct to those who are living in this area?)

Another recommendation is a book called "The explosive child", by Ross W Greene. Its not the standard parenting book and I have heard many parents (of children with special needs and NT kids) who have found this useful.

My son has a condition called pathological demand avoidance syndrome (he is now 9) and is aggressive in school and home. I recently have been trying to work with him to develop some anger management skills (whilst waiting for an appointment at CAHMS) and I am using a book called "Anger Management - a practical Guide"which has exercises you and your child can do together to get to learn the triggers of anger and think about alternative reactions to it, situations that make him angry etc. My son finds it really hard to talk about stuff like this but we have managed to work through 4 of the exercises and recently he has been a lot better (at school we have implemented some changes too which are helping.
I am sorry things are so difficult at the moment. Maybe it would be worth visiting your GP as you may get a referral to family therapy or something, or as you have under 5's you could try visiting sure start if there is one in your area. They may be able to advise on services in your area if you wish to seek help.
Take care

whirly · 07/03/2008 16:33

CJB, that's an interesting condition I'd never heard of. I found a link here www.cafamily.org.uk/Direct/p13.html

Going back to clubs, google Beavers (scouts) and try to find out if there's a group near you. If he's good at school, he'll probably be good there and it'll give you a break and him some freedom and a feeling of being more grown up.
Does he respond well to responsibilities? My son loves them - we are very ad hoc, but talk a lot about being able to trust him to do the right thing - eg carrying the hoover upstairs for me (!)or posting a letter at the box next to the park whild I am in there or freedom on a campsite providing we know roughly where he is and who he is with....

Original poster

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 07/03/2008 18:54

Thanks everyone. I have a headache at the mo (will post why shortly) but will read your posts again and make notes. Thank you for the support.

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HonoriaGlossop · 07/03/2008 19:39

There's been some good advice on here NAB.

Just wanted to add that if possible, I would ALWAYS stop at the park after school. I am an absolute lightweight as only have one child, but I find the half hour or so he spends letting off steam after school to be an absolute necessity for a calmer time at home - so I can't imagine how I would find it having 3, without that outlet for the boy/s. DS and I only don't stop for a play if it's absolutely PELTING down. other than that, he runs about madly.

Honestly - give it a go. Give it a month and I bet it will help!

Original poster

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 07/03/2008 19:51

I have started letting them go to the park when normally I would just want to be getting home but have told them they mustn't expect tea the minute they get in!!

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HonoriaGlossop · 07/03/2008 20:14

Yes you can't be in two places at once can you! I take a snack for ds to have on the way home as I find that way he is not breaking my legs for food as soon as he gets in

whirly · 09/03/2008 07:37

Yes, me too - I take a snack so they can play in the park for an hour or so after school (unless it's bucketing!). However, they do often find it difficult to play / relax without arguing / fighting while I make the tea sometimes, which is very stressful. If that happens, perhaps the will sit quietly and watch TV for half an hour?

underachievingwonderwoman · 09/03/2008 16:34

I know this can be really frustrating for you to hear,but I think whirly may be right and your ds is behaving like this at home because he feels safe and secure there, and he can let off steam.
Maybe he is having problems at school..finding the work difficult or having trouble with some of the other children and this is his way of releasing his tension.
He is obviously losing control and then feels terrible once he realises how he has behaved.
It sounds like you could do with some support just for you. Have you a Home-start organisation in your area? They offer family support and practical help, they may be able to signpost you to other organisations in your area that can be of help.

Original poster

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 09/03/2008 16:37

I have been taking snacks to school for quite a while, usually a cracker or home made muffin, something to take the edge off but not ruin their tea.

I am trying to cut down their tv/computer use but they do have it some days.

School have contacted home start and I am waiting for them to contact me.

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littleshebear · 09/03/2008 17:33

I think I read your previous thread and your ds seems just like my ds2. He is 9 and loads better, but today we went for a walk and he was vile and I just said in despair to my DH, when will he be better? But he is,better, really. Does your ds like football? Because my ds is obsessed and being in a local football club has been the best thing for him, and not really expensive - £30 per year, then £2 for training and £2 subs per week.

What works for my ds is keeping him really busy, and constant praise. As soon as you get into a punishment rant (I'll take this away, that away..) it makes him worse. It's as though he's looking to see how far he can go.Also, if you don't like him much, because of his behaviour, he will pick up on it and behave worse, so you have to sort of pretend to like him and head off the behaviour.I have this sort of sussed now but the other children don't and we have trouble with that - he said to me the other night, but ds1 and dd2 don't like me, and he sounded so sad about it, even though it's his flipping behaviour that's causing it!But it's a vicious cycle.

I don't like my ds at all at times. My DH said to me today that he ruined our last holiday for him because of his behaviour. Th eproblem was that we'd chosen a holiday with not enough for him to do and he acted up practically all the time.

I am sure you will crack it if you keep at it. I've thought and thought about my ds's behaviour and he is loads better, but if I don't give him enough attention, or he gets bored, he slips back.Very good idea re park. I let my ds go round to his friends for an hour after school to play out (he is 9 and they live in a cul de sac) and that really helps.

ZoeyW · 10/03/2008 14:04

I really feel for you.

My cousin was recently telling about her boy having a temper and she was saying that it was after the computer games he was playing (war games) and even as she was telling me this she didn't make a connection.

I wonder if you should be looking at what games he is playing?!

Original poster

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 10/03/2008 14:32

He doesn't really play games except for Frogger. The rest of the stuff is driving a train or flying an aeroplane. Harmless stuff really.

I wonder if he gets his temper from me as I had one when younger.

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MaeBee · 10/03/2008 15:49

empathy here too. im weeping over the computer right now cos i feel at the end of my tether too. i feel like hitting my toddler, and i feel terrible about that. he's at the shops with his dad right now. thank god. but his dad has awful toothache and isn't really coping very well with it either.
my boy is only 17mths but he has been vile for the last couple of weeks, and most of the other mothers i know seem to always love their kids, always like them. im not mother material, i don't feel like that at all. im just a fairweather mother i think, i actually feel so angry with ds that i want to go, walk out, i regret having him.
parenting is so fucking hard sometimes isn't it?

Original poster

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 10/03/2008 16:12

I said to my husband last night that I shouldn't have had kids. I have had no parents so a shi*t upbringing and have no idea what I should be doing. The annoying irony is I used to be a nanny and was really good at it.

I love my kids but can't seem to just get on with it without worrying about what they are going to remember when they are 15 and are they going to hate me for it.

My DD just told me I never play with her. She does have a point but I also know they want feeding and I was prepping their food. I will play with her after tea. Last night we read and Winnie the Witch book and I told her we would copy one of the pictures today. (I meant after tea) She brought the book down and asked me to do it after breakfast! we did, and it was good. She has coloured it in really nicely too.

I think a baby should come with an extra pair of hands so someone could do all the things you have to do, that stops you doing with the kids what they want to do, when you are doing all the things you have to do.

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whirly · 10/03/2008 16:20

I work with quite severely disurbed kids and I am fine with them! Like you, I am fine with other peoples children, but find my own so much more of a challenge!
I think my two might also say I never play with them (I do, but like you am busy making tea, etc, so not that often) And you have 3 children - your time has to be spread around even more!
You are not a sh*t parent - we all struggle, some of us more than others! And at certain times of the month more than others (in my case, anyway!)

whirly · 10/03/2008 16:20

I work with quite severely disurbed kids and I am fine with them! Like you, I am fine with other peoples children, but find my own so much more of a challenge!
I think my two might also say I never play with them (I do, but like you am busy making tea, etc, so not that often) And you have 3 children - your time has to be spread around even more!
You are not a sh*t parent - we all struggle, some of us more than others! And at certain times of the month more than others (in my case, anyway!)