Long post, please bare with!
So 10 years ago, I met my husband.
I knew he had a 4 year old child to someone else, but I was willing to be a part of his life even though I had no intention of having children/stepchildren myself as I was only 18.
A couple of months into our relationship, I met his DS. I’d take bags of sweets round and toys and make an effort to play with him whilst at the same time being shit scared he would reject/hate me (which he didn’t seem to, we got on quite well, he mainly wanted to play on the Xbox with his dad which was fair enough!)
He had been diagnosed with selective mutism from a young age which he had professional help with weekly.
I always knew he struggled talking and was a fairly quiet, well behaved child.
I was always worried I would be portrayed as a “wicked stepmother” by his mum as she was always a bit awkward with me and my DH. She would put ideas into his head before we would pick him up and turn him against us, so he would never want to spend time with us, and cried a lot because he missed his mum.
2 years later, I fell pregnant with my DS.
I was still living at home as was my DH so we moved into our first home together relatively quick before our son was born.
We knew this would be a huge change for him, so we decorated his bedroom just the way he wanted it and made a huge fuss of him becoming a big brother!
He seemed excited, but also his mum was expecting too so a big change happening at his mum and at our house.
Skip down the line 4 years, our DS is a handful. He is autistic, very short tempered, doesn’t understand the idea of sharing etc but absolutely loves his big brother! To the point where it would wind up SS, sometimes DS would lash out and become angry if he didn’t get his own way with him.
Throughout the years, me, DH, our parents noticed more of a change in SS.
he would always look really miserable and unhappy. We included him in everything, every big day out, every game we played as a family, we’ve given him everything but he never knows any kind of emotion. Never gets excited or happy, shows little interest unless it’s gaming related. He’s 14 now, so I’d say for the past 5 years he’s been more distant and moody. Every time we would talk one on one with him, he goes bright red in the face and starts shaking. We assure him that he’s not in trouble we just want to know if everything is okay!
We try to give him a lot of our time but we feel like we get pushed away, every time we ask questions about school he hates talking about it (we asked if he gets bullied and he says he doesn’t but I think something is going on and he won’t tell us), acts very secretly over his phone deletes messages, only gives us one answer to questions then doesn’t talk or make any kind of conversation with us or with his brother.
When he comes round he never seems to be comfortable never seems chilled or relaxed like he doesn’t know where to put himself. Myself and DH have to say to him feel free to do whatever you like! we have to instruct him to do whatever he likes. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore he just seems constantly depressed and bored. If we tell him he looks upset he instantly tells us he’s fine, like we get the same answers from every question, as if he’s telling us what we want to hear.
last weekend we went to a wedding, and he just sat there and stared at the floor looking so mardy it was embarrassing. It makes myself and DH look really bad, we try so hard to make him happy but nothing seems to be good enough! I only see him smile when my DS gets upset.
I don’t want to resent him but all I’ve done is try for the past 10 years and nothing seems to work I feel like there’s a huge barrier in the way. We also have a DD now too and can’t help but feel like he doesn’t want to be part of our family. My DH doesn’t agree with therapy either.