3 year old girl saying no to everything

[Tambatamba]

Dd will be 4 in December. Every single morning it's a fight to get her dressed and ready to leave the house. She says she wants to stay at home. But, when she gets into nursery she's very happy and doesn't want to go home.

Today, she had been invited to a really fun party at one of these princess venues. A few weeks ago, she picked out a dress that she wanted to wear and everything. Then, today she was adamant she didn't want to go and would not get changed. She was in her pyjamas so I put her into the car and drove to the party so I could just give the birthday child her present. When we got there, 'Elsa' and the birthday child came out to the car and managed to persuade her to come in and put her dress on. She was then absolutely fine and did not ask for me - I went and sat in the parents lounge.

This behaviour is affecting everything. She doesn't go to ballet now because she won't get ready. She says she likes ballet but she wants to stay at home.

There is a lot of autism in my family so I did a screening test which came out as less than 20% likely to have autism. Although, she could be masking. She seems very social and will immediately walk up to children she doesn't know, ask them their name and if they want to play with her. Her play seems very normal - she doesn't fixate on particular toy and can set up nice pretend play scenarios. She prefers to play with another child.

Nursery say she's very bright and that her language is 'phenomenal'. But she still isn't toilet trained, because she doesn't want to sit on a loo or a potty. She has been capable of toilet training since she was about 2.4 but she started holding her wees in for hours. She's also a very fussy eater.

I don't know what is going on with her or how to get out of this cycle of not ever wanting to get ready to go anywhere. She's incredibly head strong. But atm she is missing out on nice things.

Does anyone else have a child like this?

I can totally empathise. My Dd was just like this, especially with Ballet.

DD us now on the Pathway for assessment for ADHD and ASD.

The fact that your Dd is very good verbally is interesting as some people with ASD can almost be super verbal.

I would start by telling your HV your concerns, especially over potty training and ask her to do the Social & Emotional Ages & Stages.

Thank you for your response! Yes, if she is autistic I would prefer for it to be diagnosed asap. Not drag on for years while she gets more anxious. How old is your dd now? I agree about the hyper verbal thing.

Hating transitions is so typical of ASD isn't it. I would do as much as you can to make the transition itself fun - so if you go in the car have a special song or story cd you listen to, have a tub of snacks for her to munch on. Beforehand keep reminding her that it is happening (don't ask her if she wants to) and talk about how much fun she is going to have and remind her of the last time she did it (or something similar to it) and how much she enjoyed it then. Also tell her as much as you can about what is likely to happen while she is there, when you will pick her up and what you will do afterwards. It will all help prepare her and make the transition (hopefully) easier.

It sounds like your dd might be very high functioning like my ds, he wasn't diagnosed until just before secondary school when ASD starts to become more obvious. He was diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome and I would expect your dd would be the same if that diagnosis was still given. Be aware though that getting assessed can take years and she might not be considered severe enough to meet that criteria at this age particularly as she is very confident socially. Her social issues may not become more obvious until 10 or 11 as happened with ds. Even then it was only picked up because his teacher went on a course and had an inkling.

Our experience was that everyone ignored every concern. I even had one SENCO laugh at me when I voiced my concerns. If I had my time again, I would insist she'd been referred at 2 when she wasn't talking and I first brought it up with the HV.

I think partly why I hang around on MN is that I don't want others to experience the years of struggling that we had until school and the HCPs took it seriously and she got a referral at 15.

I'm autistic myself and two of my older children are diagnosed as well so this certainly isn't my first rodeo. I understand the diagnostic criteria and in some areas dd doesn't fit but she's probably just masking - she will have learned to copy children at nursery.

I think partly why I hang around on MN is that I don't want others to experience the years of struggling that we had until school and the HCPs took it seriously and she got a referral at 15.

A common issue seems to be that autistic students start to feel very stressed and upset at high school. It's an absolute nightmare because people don't listen, do they? I have a dd who is 14 with autism. She wasn't diagnosed until 9 and she's struggled through school even from reception.

My daughter is 7 and on the waiting list for assessment for asd and adhd, she is and always has been social , joins in, she has been very verbal from a young age etc.
She does fixate on things, and like things in a routine, if things change she gets anxious , she masks it alot out and about but we and her teachers have noticed things , she looks like she is listening then you ask her a question she replys with a question to something completely unrelated.
She has become very fussy with her food whereas she used to always eat everything and anything , this has crept in within the last 6weeks or so.
She is very particular with clothes , some she says make her itch and can't wear them. And gets very self conscious if wearing something she hasn't for a while example shorts in summer , or moving from shorts to trousers in winter etc. And very repetitive.
She has dyslexia aswell (diagnosed earlier this yr) .
The head of senco at her school has said they won't assess them until they r atleast 6yrs old, as it could just be put down as developmental.
But if you have any concerns regarding that speak to her nursery get their input , advice aswell they might be able to help/support in some way x

The head of senco at her school has said they won't assess them until they r atleast 6yrs old, as it could just be put down as developmental.

Some LAs say this, but actually it's wrong. Any child of any age can be assessed. They prefer for them not to be diagnosed because then they have to provide resources.

But It's illegal for any LA to say they won't assess a child and that they need to be a certain age because that's a 'blanket policy'.